Better or Worse?

This is gonna sound so strange but I honestly have such a hard time sometimes knowing if I'm going better or worse... or like... one thing will get better while another gets worse... I dunno.


So anyway, lately, really I think it's been building this entire year- I feel like I've been a lot more suicidal. Well... no. I should say I've been having a lot more suicidal thoughts and urges. I haven't really done much intentionally. But it's like... when it gets bad, it gets bad... and it's building... it's like this thing that's always in the back of my mind. It's always there somewhere and I can't get it out.


I think I'm getting much better at hiding it though...


Whatever.


Anyway... I walked in graduation the other day, but I still don't know if it's official... I still don't know if I passed english -_-

Graduating Tomorrow?

Ohmygoshhh... these last three days... I don't even know where to start. So I started getting my final grades in, which was stressful enough cause even though I'm walking tomorrow, I may have to re-take english over the summer (it's the one grade I'm still waiting on and the class I may fail)... so anyway, I got B's in most of my dance classes instead of A's because I was SO overwhelmed and just didn't do the written work... I was freaking out cause my GPA is just on the edge of what I need for grad school and realized there's a VERY good chance I won't graduate with a 3.0.


So I was already having the shittiest day ever and almost called my pilates teacher that morning because I was overwhelmed, but once I realized that night this may happen, I cried for like 2 hours and then text her. Once she found out what was going on she called me... she said she wasn't gonna try to tell me what to do about the situation because she knew I wouldn't be able to process it yet and was more concerned about my safety than anything else. She was not in the state so she said it would be a few hours before she could get to me and since I said I felt pretty safe, she wanted me to at least get in some type of social environment and I could call her whenever I needed, she would come if I needed her when I got back, and if I needed someone before then to call for someone. 


At first I wasn't gonna go anywhere... but I realized she was right and I would be safer somewhere else... so I threw on my AB shirt and my comfy sweats, grabbed Teddy, and make sure I had all the materials to finish my paper due the next day. I didn't leave the library until probably midnight (I called her around 8pm)... I didn't even really feel ready to be alone but I was just so tired. 


The next day I e-mailed two of my dance teachers to see if I could make up work or do extra work and get my grade pulled up... I told them I knew I didn't deserve it and that this was totally my fault but explained the whole GPA/grad. school thing. One I still haven't heard back from and the other (J) emailed me back a few hours later... by then it was 10pm. He said he wouldn't be able to do that but he was here for me to help me get into a better mindset and if I ever needed advice or support not to hesitate to ask. 


That's when things got really bad. I was legit crying so hard I thought I may vomit... I almost did. I just kept thinking... if ever there were a perfect time to kill myself... this was it. Not that night, because I wouldn't want anyone to blame themselves... but after I walked in graduation. My parents would be so proud of me for making it through college, no one would ever have to know about not getting a 3.0... it would be the perfect time.


I'm still waiting on one grade... luckily, my dad doesn't think even a D will pull me under a 3.0... but I literally freaked out. 

I don't know what to do. I have nothing. I have nothing in my life. Nothing worth living for. I have no goals in life... no purpose. I have no reason to be here.

Yeah... it was bad.

Hopefully before I walk tomorrow I find out my english grade and GPA. I'll try to keep you guys updated. My dad seems pretty confident in me having a 3.0 or higher... which is amazing because I didn't graduate high school with a 3.0 and college is so much harder!! And I know I've been struggling... esp. these last three years or so.

But if it does drop below a 3.0... I don't even know what's gonna happen...

I can't do this anymore.

Ugh..

I just want this to be over...


All of it.

What is an eating disorder?

So many people misunderstand eating disorders. An eating disorder isn't a diet, it isn't a fad, and it certainly isn't glamourous. 


So what is it? It's a mental illness... we know that... but why is is so difficult to recover from? I dunno... I'm sure I'm not the only one out there frustrated by the lack of knowledge on eating disorders (among other things).

Restricting. Starvation. Hunger pains. Feeling faint. Feeling dizzy. Having to sit down so you don't pass out. Chest pain. Blurred vision. Having zero energy.

Bingeing. Losing control. Guilt. Shame. Secrets. Hiding.

Purging. Spending hours with your head in the toilet. Sticking pens and toothbrushes down your throat. Sticking your fingers down your throat. Gagging. Watching it all come back up. Failure.

Laxatives. Diet pills. Nausea. Your heart starts to race. Your heart starts to slow down. You can feel it beating in your chest. Diarrhea. Not being able to go out because you're so sick from the laxatives. Not being able to do anything but curl up in bed in pain. Everything hurts so badly.

Overexercising. Being so tired but HAVING to do it. It's not a choice. You HAVE to do it. Being exhausted, feeling sick, feeling as though you'll pass out... it doesn't matter. Never being able to skip a workout. Being more prone to injuries- getting injured, continuing anyway.

And that's just the start... those are just SOME of the behaviors- in basic form. Not to mention the isolation, the self injury (sometimes), the details of the behaviors, the money, the relationships lost, hair falling out, pale skin, GI problems, yellowing teeth and nails, being so damn cold all the time, being super moody, the anxiety around food or uncomfortable situations, the things the mirror does to do...

I have no idea where I'm going with this really... just some random thoughts...