Want. Want. Want. Me. Me. Me.

I want to be able to go out to lunch with friends.


I want to go on a date and have a boy take me to a restaurant.


I want to go spend hours at the mall shopping and trying on clothes.


I want to lay on the beach and get a nice tan.


I want to dive in a pool and swim under water.


I want to order pizza and stay in watching a movie.


I want to have a girls night in that includes ice cream and snacks.


I want to be given chocolates on Valentine's Day and not freak out about it.


I want to have money for things other than diet pills, laxatives, razors, and mederma.


I want to put on an outfit and feel confident.


I want to believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful.


I want go get together with friends and order chinese food.


I want breakfast in bed.


I want to not be thinking about my body every time someone touches me or hugs me.


I want to sit on a guys lap and be okay.


I want to have a guy pick me up without freaking out.


I want to go out with no makeup on.


I want to know what I'm feeling.


I want to stay in bed all day because I want to be with the other person, not because I can't get myself out.


I want to share a milkshake.


I want to fucking live.




But none of that's gonna happen, is it?

Some things I forgot to tell you...

Wow... so updates...

Okay... it's been one week (today) since I cut. It was the day after I got my hair cut. I think I forgot to mention that... wow... this has been a long week I feel like it's been 2.

Anyway, it's healing up pretty nicely except for the one kinda sorta deep cut... it'll be fine though. 


I feel like there's so much that I really don't even know...

Let's talk about J. I know I told you guys about the morning I went to group and that whole conversation, right? Well We haven't talked since that day. We haven't talked in like a month. So the other night I send her a text... I'll just recap the whole conversation for you guys.

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.
J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.


1) Our last conversation did NOT end on good terms. She just stopped responding mid-conversation. Not okay.
2) My BIGGEST ISSUE is the overwhelming fear that everyone in the world is going to leave me. She's aware of this fear. Gee, thanks for proving me right!
3) I am NOT just going to be friends with someone only when it's convenient for them. That is not how shit works.
4) Don't talk to me like you're my fuckin' therapist. Hell- if a therapist ever talked to me like that, I wouldn't continue seeing them. I am a fucking human being. I'm not some project or experiment or something to be analyzed.

Okay, enough about J. Now I am going to tell you about my revelation that I forgot about until just now. So I have an eating disorder. I self harm. Dance is my life. Dance is why I'm hear. As a dancer- my body is my instrument. So obviously when I'm hating myself I take it out on my body. I hurt the one thing that gives me the most. The thing I should be loving the most. It seems to be a slow method of self destruction.

Now for the last thing- T. Yes, T as in my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm falling for him. Crap. FUCK MY LIFE. I was talking to him a few nights ago and I told him I missed him. And he didn't respond. And then later that night I get a phone call from him. That like... never happens. So I pick up and the first thing he says is "hey gorgeous". I didn't even get mad... because he knows me well enough now... and he knows I don't see it... but he really, really wants me to. Anyway, it was a short conversation. Small talk type stuff. When I'm coming back to school... I've been gone all summer... blah blah blah. It was great though... except the way it ended. There was some kind of noise in the background and was like "gotta go" real quick and hung up...

I dunno. I really, really do miss him though. Like more than just seeing him. I miss being with him.

Anyway... other than my flooded basement and all that crap I think I've got you updated on the events of my life in the last week or so.

xx

Can everyone just please stop yelling at me?

Just me and the hurricane....

I have some things to tell you guys that I left out from my most recent posts and an event from last night that I wanted to talk about... but for now I am alone... in my house... and apparently we're getting hit with a hurricane. Awesome.

Oy...

You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much for all of the comments. So the biggest conclusion I've come to is that my hair = my self esteem. I've been working super hard on building my self esteem. But not that my hair is 2 inches shorter (and not really angeled cause it's too short which I hate) I have zero self esteem left. And how can you continue to build something when the foundation has crumbled?

Ugh... even when I was little I would smack anyone who tried to touch my hair. I can remember numerous times crying over my hair (other than haircuts)... my hair expresses who I am. I change the color all the time. I change the cut, the style, everything. I hide behind long hair when I'm upset. If I have a bad hair day. I have a bad day.

So anyway... I spent like over $200 today (of my mom's money) buying deep conditioners, heat protection, a new wide tooth comb, and a $50 clip in ponytail extension. Not great... but it's better. Ehh...

I will have to wear pony tails for the next 3-4 months and can't dance with the extension in...

I still need to find something that helps aid in hair growth without adding volume and I am going to look into prenatal vitamins... anyone have experience with these they could share? Or any suggestions for hair growth other than the obvious. Formulas that I could use perhaps? Pills? Scalp massager? Anything? 

Sorry it's a total boob picture but this is with the extension in.

Oh and also- I got into a pyschology class. It's gonna be a hard one but whatever. I don't know about working on Fridays, I don't think I'm teaching pilates (but I will offer to sub classes) so here is just my class schedule. 

Oh! And I am going to add in therapy on Wed. before Jazz from 3-4 and that way I can dance it all out in class and then feel good about myself in ballet (or at least that's the plan). 

Okay... goodnight lovelies... I have dance again all day tomorrow and I'm already hurting so I should really get some rest.

♡

More than 12 hours later and I'm still shaking and crying and pulling my hair.


I can't fucking do this.

This can't be happening....

So I'm a freak... I'm pretty sure that's already been established.


I've been in tears for the past 2 hours. Why? Cause I got a fuckin hair cut. 


It was supposed to be just a trim but whatever I ended up loosing like 2 inches. And I know logically that hair grows back and this this is stupid but I just can't deal with this. My hair is gone. It was just starting to get long. And now it's like in the awkward middle length that everyone hates. It's boring. It's unflattering. I can't do anything with it. I just hate everything about it.


I'm currently looking up how much it costs for professional hair extensions, which I know will never happen they cost way too much. And even still, then it's not my hair. It's not the same. But at least it might help me not be so fucking depressed. Literally in the dark in my bed right now. Can't sleep cause it's too light out, I tried. 


It's so stupid- but any little itty bitty bit of self esteem I have... is because of my hair. And now that's gone. And I am left with zero self esteem. Maybe less if possible because I'm aware of how stupid I'm being. I pulled my hair so hard before it gave me a headache. I had a balloon animal unicorn that I popped- although it wasn't as satisfying as smashing something with a hammer which is what I really felt like doing. I'm a fucking wreak right now.


And I was doing so well. I can't possibly do well right now. Any time I need to look in the mirror- my hair was what kept me a little sane. And now it's gone. I didn't just loose my hair. I lost that little speck of self esteem I was trying to grow. How can you grow something without the seed? Without the beginning? You can't. You can't start from the middle. Life doesn't work that way. You have to be born before you can live. You have to live before you die. 


I know I'm crazy. But the amount of hair I lost will take 3 months minimum to grow back! And that's if I'm eating the proper amount, which I'm not. I know I've been loosing a bit of hair and it's been thinning out a bit... but now it's just fucking gone. 


Whatever. Fuck this.