Okay… so about a month ago I had a mini meltdown with my pilates teacher which I talked about in one of my last posts... the one that I also talked about my newest tattoo... anyway things have sort of been rough lately and I've talked to her here and there when she sees I'm really stressed out and asks me whats going on. I honestly think I've gotten more hugs from her in the past month than I have from anyone in my entire life... probably combined.
First of all, she’s awesome… I love her. I just feel so terrible because she’s always worrying about me and she wants to help so badly but she really can’t do anything, she can’t make things better for me.
So we had our pilates open house today and I talked to her a bit yesterday about it because we had to wear our instructor tank tops… I asked her if it would be okay if I wore a jacket and she said yes… first she thought it was cause of body stuff (common with me and everyone knows it) but when she asked I said “I just need to have long sleeves on” and she thought for like half a second and then said, “All week, huh?”… so obviously she noticed the thumb hole shirt in class and me not rolling up the sleeves which I sometimes do.
Then she asked what day… and my response was… everyday. The last week has just been really rough for whatever reason. Anyway… we talked for a bit about some stuff and I think what scares her (and probably a lot of other people) about me the most is that I don’t scare myself enough. She asked me if I have people to go to and talk about everything in my life and I told her no… because in real life, I really don’t. I told her one of the other teachers knew and like a handful of other people but most I don’t talk to anymore.
So anyway, I saw her today for like half a second before my composition class and I was in a really good mood this morning… and she asked how I was just in passing, across the room and I said “good”, which was actually true… so then I had class. It’s a 3 hour dance composition class and the last 20 minutes or so we were given somewhat of an art project to do -_-
He wanted us each to lay on a sheet of paper in some kind of pose and have someone trace us… I did NOT want to do this. I just… no. But I did it… I ended up being on my forearms and one knee with my other leg stretched out behind me so my torso, hips, ect. wouldn’t have to be traced. So when it was finished… it’s like mostly hand/arm cause you can’t tell what the rest is and they’re seperated… well then he wanted us to color our own in the last 10 minutes (finish for homework and use as inspiration for choreography for next week)… well… I just ended up smearing red ALL over mine with my hands. It was like… really emotional and too much for me for just a class assingment.
When I got to the open house, my teacher swoops in to give me a hug and asks how class was and I told her it was fine until the end and she asked what happened and I told her all of that and she could tell I was really upset about it. She said she’s always thinking about me. And we also had to do a bunch of pictures and stuff and she would randomly squeeze my hand and let me be in the back even though I’m the shortest and she told me I was being her champion today because of all the cameras.
When I wasn’t with a prospective client, I hung out with one of the girls I went through the program with and when we did the pictures I stayed by her and so that was good. I felt so much better during the open house, I was keeping busy and with prospective clients and talking with one of my friends and talking to my teachers son who is adorable and he was making me smile just cause he was simply there and super cute… so it was good.
Then I when we were done I was about to leave and my teacher asked me to stay for a minute and she waited until everyone else left and then we talked a little. She said she talked to her therapist about my situation (not in a bad way… and I don’t see it that way, but just because she feels helpless and wants so badly for me to be okay)… anyway she said a lot of what came up was that because of what I’m going through and the severity of everything for me, the best thing is inpatient. Of course I like reacted as soon as she said that and she was like ‘I know’… but it’s difficult because it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and there’s still such a disconnect between why I actually self injure and what triggers it for me… and even though it may go dormant for a while… it always comes back… so she just really wants me to be able to figure out what that is and be able to recover from it. And a lot of it too is just… energetic ups and downs and mood swings and things like that.
I dunno… we got cut a bit short cause her son (omg he’s the most adorable child ever!!!) walked in and her husband so we stopped talking about that… I hung around for a few more minutes and then decided to go and she told me to call her if I need anything… to ALWAYS call her… and she told me that a month ago when I had the initial meltdown.
Anyway… I think that’s it… sorry it’s long. I’m just sort of processing everything still.
You need to get help. Look at how many people you've told about your problems and behavior. It's time to talk to a professional, someone who will give you help along with the attention you've already gotten, real true help, not just a shoulder to cry on and pity. Even if you don't think you're ready for treatment, your actions betray your willingness because everyone important to you has been told part of the story. You can trust a therapist too.
ReplyDelete