I really thought I was doing better....

Apparently not.


I ate like 928450974309869405870476089537605890976895760857975 billion calories today. No joke. 


Like... why? I'm happier when I don't eat... I know this. I know food and eating is the one thing that upsets me more than anything else in the world. So like, what the fuck is my problem. My stomach feels so huge... as usual. I can actually feel my ass getting larger as I write this. There's just so much FLAB everywhere. I mean, I've seen overweight people that look good... confidence really helps that (and the fact that they truly are beautiful), the way they dress, whatever.... but I'm just all flabby. It's disgusting. I disgust myself. 


Nothing but diet pills and ex-lax from here on out.


I probably have more to say but I'm just gonna end it here because nothing I say has any value or worth. I don't even care right now.

Yup... I sunk that low...

I hate being sick... especially when it means I can't work out and that I'm stuck in my apartment all fucking day. I hate it. I feel fat and gross and dirty and ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate my life right now. I want to throw up... but I'm not that kind of sick. I have a sore throat. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I want it to stop. I want to go to the gym. I need to dance. It's really warm in here. Maybe I can sweat the sick out. I keep taking sudafed and vitamin C. I hate being sick so much! My skin feels oily. My arms feel jiggly. My legs feel huge. I'm so over this crap!


What is it about seeing my own blood that's so relieving? It amazes me how something so small can cause so much damage.


I sunk to a whole new level today. I literally dissected my razors (like the ones I use for shaving) and took all the blades out because mine have gotten so dull. They don't make it easy to get them out either... it was a process, and I got a few cuts on my hands and fingers just trying to get them out. But I think I have it down to a science now. 


I'm laying down now... my pile of small blades still sitting on my desk... 


I started at my wrist, as per usual, but since I'm going for a tattoo on Saturday I know P is gonna ask me to see the first one... so I just have a scratch there. I started going further up my arm though... just below the elbow. And of course, the top of my leg is a sheer mess.


This really needs to stop.