So I know that a few of you already know I had a pretty terrible day yesterday.
DAY. FROM. HELL.
Literally. And I still have the friggin headache... and now my knee is killing me (not sure what I did to it).
So let's start from the beginning...
I woke up yesterday morning feeling terrible and like I was going to be sick. I made myself have some breakfast (coffee and a muffin) and still felt terribly sick. I was in a rush getting ready for work and when I finally ran out the door I remembered that I also needed to get gas.
So I'm on my way to work already in the most terrible of moods. Thinking about my life, wishing I could cry, blah blah blah. It was one of those days when you wake up and something as simple as dropping your pen makes you want to kill yourself. Well, of course me and my luck... a cop (from the other side of the highway) swings around and pulls me over. I started slowing down when I saw him cut across and was at the speed limit when he got to me but he had already clocked me doing 85 in a 55 (I swear I was a NASCAR driver in a previous life).
I should be happy, he let me off really easy. I did get a ticket (I've had a few warnings in the past) but instead of it being for 30mph over, which is $400 and 6 points on your license, he only gave it to me for 14mph over which is just $95.
Part of me was glad I got the ticket. It reminded me that I'm not invincible... not just in driving and avoiding the cops... but in everything in life. Sometimes I like to pretend that I am (although not as much as I used to because I've simply gotten too tired to care about pretending to be okay).
So as I'm driving I notice it's very uncomfortable sitting in my car. I feel like I'm sitting on two golfballs, literally. But no. I checked... it was just my ass. I mean I'm not skinny. Not at all. I'm still grotesque- I have an ass, believe me I do. But I could feel my butt bones underneath me and it was extremely uncomfortable.
Well anyway, this is when I updated my facebook status for those of you who saw that. The boy apparently saw it and texts me "Hey Nicole what's wrong?" and I responded with "my life". Then he responded back "Hope all is well". I literally laughed out loud. I felt like saying- No. All is not well. I literally just tried to pull my hair out.
Ugh!
Of course, now I was about 10 minutes late to work (not that it bothers my supervisor, just me) and I still got the things done I needed to before class started.
I got a call while we were seeing an early intervention client from the gym. I had sent an e-mail saying I did not know my availability to teach pilates because I did not know my schedule yet as I am always the last to register and asked if I could e-mail it to them when I figured things out. No response. So the call- they said they hadn't heard from me via phone or e-mail and needed to know because the schedule was being finalized today. I didn't even have my schedule on me. Plus- I was at work. By the time I was done it was too late.
Oh... and then I get home and went to dance for a few hours. I pull up to the dance studio and check my e-mail on the way in.
My psychology class for fall term has been cancelled. I had the perfect schedule. It was a 3 hour psyc. class on Monday's leaving me Wednesday's free for therapy and Friday's off so I could go home (and work teaching little one's dance with J). *Sidenote: haven't heard from her since the last I told you guys.*
So now my schedule is all fucked up. And I was really excited to take this class too! There are no other Monday only classes, not to mention most of the classes are for psychology majors only (I'm just a minor) or already full. Go figure.
Ugh... so anyway, I get home and tell my parents all of this- leaving the ticket until last. I felt bad because I had to tell them, I don't have the money for it. I wish I did. They were pissed. Not because of the $95, but because it's my first/only ticket in three years and I'm under 25 so now my insurance is going to go through the roof. As if I didn't feel bad enough already. Day. From. Hell.
If ever there were a perfect time to kill myself... that was it.
I didn't have anything to eat when I got home from dance. The muffin was it all day. I only had 4 fat burners and when I wanted more I just remembered I have to save them because I don't have money for more. I've already gone through practically the whole first box I just bought.
I also found this article last night. I saw someone saw something about peeing all the time because her kidney's were failing her and decided to look up what kind of damage a diet pill can do to your kidneys. Crap. I think I may be doing even more damage to my body than I realize.
Have I mentioned I still haven't cried? Not a single god damn tear.
I'm relapsing. And I feel it. I'm relapsing into anorexia.
I'm sorry.
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