I'm so fucked up...

It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts...
It's another to be taking those seriously and have a plan...
But you reach a whole new level when you start writing your suicide note in your head....


Don't worry... I'm feeling a bit better than earlier... and I'm about to go to bed, so nothing's going to happen... not that it could have anyway... I don't have all the things I need...


It just scares me that I think like this... I mean... I've been frozen on the bathroom floor surrounded by blood, razors, and pills... I mean... I've never really overdosed... I've taken enough to feel like shit the entire next day... but that's about it. I've never cut deep enough to need stitches... in fact, majority of my scars are pretty faded... I have a few that I know will never fade... and I have some that have faded a little... but being that I know they once formed the bright letters of "F-A-T"... it's still visible to me...


When I'm in that kind of situation... I don't think... about anything...


When I have suicidal thoughts... I tend to plan it out... think of how I would do it... maybe wonder how long before anyone thought to check my apartment... how many days it would take for someone to notice...


But this time I was thinking more of my family and the people I would hurt (hence the note)... I honestly think that knowing my actions could hurt people has been what's pretty much kept me just at having these thoughts and never really getting much further.


If I kill myself... people might be mad at me. If I starve myself to death, it's the eating disorder that kills me. I'm sure people would still be hurt... but it would be different because the blame would be on the eating disorder- not me. 


I just... I feel like by starting to write a suicide note I'm trying to ease their pain... I feel like subconsciously I want to have that letter so if I'm ever in that place again where I'm just not thinking... that I'm covered.


I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me.


And to make things even worse... all of this... and not a tear. Not one. How heartless can a person be to be thinking all of these things and thinking of their own death in this much detail and yet not shed a single tear??


I'm just seriously fucked up.