I feel sad.

I've been kind of meh all day. I feel like crying right now, but of course, there are no tears. I'm half numbed out/half about to cry. I can't sleep. Nighttime is making me think too much. I hate sleeping alone. I don't even have Teddy cause I'm home.


Anyway... comment replies from my last post:
MLM- Thank you. It's not that I don't like the color... just last time I accidentally dyed my hair black it was right around the time of me being forced into everything. Plus the dark, and then all of the negative things in my head... I just need something brighter.
Jordan- Don't get too excited :) It's an old picture. That was from the first time my hair was dark. I was 18... so about 3 and a half years ago.


So anyway... not much to say. Spent most of the day in bed. Only got out when I was told to go downstairs/eat dinner/do something... whatever... never really by choice though. Not once. And right now I feel sad. I hate feeling sad. I'm not used to it.


I'm going to try to cancel my Monday appointment with the therapist I don't really like.
And I don't know if I'll be setting up another one at school anytime soon.


I feel so heavy... not heavy like fat... well, that too... but heavy like... weighted. My chest feels especially heavy. Sunken. Empty. My chest actually hurts a bit, a lot a bit. Ow. Okay it's getting worse... and going into my arm too. Whatever. 


I'm sad. I feel defeated. I have no desire to eat (I should be happy about that!!, no?). 
                                               I have no desire to be here.
                                                              No desire to breathe.
                                                                              No desire to live.