Where to even start??
I think I'll go from biggest to smallest...
So first, school.
I am staying. My only option would have been to take a leave of absence until spring. None of the community college schedule's lined up with mine. Plus, I like my therapist at school.
For the moment, I am seeing two... sort of...
There's my therapist at school (who I am going to stay with), and the woman at home I went to see... I've only seen her once so far (I should cancel Monday's appointment) and I'm not a fan of her... I'm not nearly as comfortable as I am with the other guy.
1st- she focused way way way too much on food and what did you eat and what's a typical day (in terms of food) and how often do you take diet pills, how often do you take laxatives, how often do you do this or that, do you have any rituals or obsessions regarding food?!? LIKE OH MY GOD! I THINK ABOUT FOOD 24/7!!! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WOMAN! Plus, she's trying to plant the idea of seeing a nutritionist.... umm... NO. I know what is healthy and unhealthy, I am fully conscious of this when I am doing either healthy or unhealthy behaviors. I have made progress, that is not what I am there for.
2nd- my therapist (the one I am going to continue seeing) lets me be the boss. He's there to join me on my journey and support me along the way... this woman wants to always talk about food and she wants to figure out what my problems are and focus on those... bitch.3rd- she writes things down. I don't care if it was just about food, I don't like that. I am a person... a human being, not a lab experiment. Enough said.
4th- she's a she... yupp, I realized that it is easier for me to talk to guys/get along with guys/trust guys because of all the bitches who've gone behind my back in the past.
5th- she does the occasional fake smile. I almost punched out a doctor once for that same damn fake smile. Don't test me.
That was kind of two things in one... but anyway, the other thing is about J. We didn't talk for over a month... I deleted her number, removed her from facebook, and blocked her on g-mail...
Yet, when I saw a number on my phone that was similar to hers I had to double check with someone because the number had called twice in a few minutes and I had this incredible urge to see if it was J and if she was okay.
She called Monday night. Long story short, we're friends again... but we have boundaries. Which is fine. It's just for the time being until we are both more stable. There were tears. There were confessions.
We will always be friends... until we are old and wrinkly and gray...
I'm still upset about the concert.
That was a night I waited forever for and will never get back.
But what's done is done and I'm not going to dwell on the past.
I was actually thinking of something the other day when I was thinking about the two therapists. I've given up on trying to figure out why I have an eating disorder. Yes, I believe some of us are born sort of at more of a risk of developing one, I think the majority of it is in our brains, it is how we cope... blah, blah, blah... But I'm over trying to figure out why. What was it that triggered all of this? I don't know. And really, why does it matter? As long as I can learn to cope with things in a healthier way (i.e. no cutting) and be happier in general. I know that having a healthy body will make me mentally happier and that being happier will help me to eat in healthier ways.
I am very aware now of right and wrong, so to speak. What I really need to do is learn to cope. I know that increased confidence and self esteem will also come with the better body image... but I have to do it in a healthy way. I also will probably need to work on the "not-good-enough" thoughts and feelings... but really, I don't need to use therapy to focus on food. I'm over being defined by this eating disorder. And that's all focusing on food does for me...
People are trying to hard to figure me out... and I don't want to be figured out... I don't even understand myself most of the time... but that's okay, I don't need to have it all together all the time... I just need to be able to deal.
I don't always know what's gonna trigger me... but what's it matter as long as I know how to handle it?
I've always been a bit of a mystery... so let's keep it that way :)
I'm a special kind of case. I have done a lot of the work on my own before going into therapy... I am going to be a therapist myself. I am and have been my own client through this whole process of taking the first steps to recovery... I've dug deep and I've learned a lot about myself.
I'm tired of focusing on the bad... I know the good is in there somewhere... I just have to dig a little deeper and throw all the garbage out on the curb. But I've got a lot of garbage... and it's heavy stuff... that's where the therapist comes in.
Spring cleaning isn't so bad when you're not alone.
Yaaaay!!!! :D I'm so happy for you! And I absolutely agree! Of course there is good in you! There's no doubt about it! Well done for coming to that conclusion!! (btw, loved the dancing grannies.)
ReplyDelete