Quick Update

I need to be getting to bed so I'll try to keep this short.

Haha... short? Yeah right...

Okay so first off, I'm super sore and my hips are VERY bruised because I spent from 730-9 and then 12-1230 working on and rehearsing my solo (which I now have about 1:15 of). I sucked ass today. I was really shaky today... which happens. Hopefully it was just today though. I know I've been getting super light headed like, a lot, recently so... yeah.


Umm... my calorie intake has been pretty low. Every other day I have a little more... but it's still low. Which makes me happy. It's unhealthy, I know... ughhh!


Examples:
One day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then about half a drink (cranberry and vodka... light cranberry).
Another day I had a bowl of cereal some coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (I use light whole wheat).
Another day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then that night I had to force myself to get a vanilla light n fit yogurt with some light granola in it.


So... yeah. The off days were a little more. I would have an actual dinner or I dunno... just SOMETHING else...


And I've been light on the fat burners. Only 2-4 a day and ex-lax max strength (just one) only on the off days where I ate a little more. I should be taking one now but it's late-ish and I have to be on my way to work early so I can't risk having to take my time in the morning.

I attempted some clothes shopping yesterday. Got one tank top and one dress. I can not wear either yet. I need heels and a short sleeve something to go over top. Even short sleeves are new to me and I'm still not very comfortable in them so tank top?? HELL NO!

I need to get to a gym or some shit. The downside of being home I guess...


And, I think that's it for now.


Haven't heard from the boy since the second time he called. I successfully avoided calling him twice while my parents were on vacation and I had the house to myself. I really do kinda wanna see him... but I'm super nervous about it. I dunno why. All we do is have sex... and that's all I really want right now. 


Or is it? I dunno. I think the reason... I just... I guess I feel like... no one else is ever gonna wanna sleep with me. And he does and has... so at least I can temporarily feel like... I dunno. I'm gonna stop now. Don't wanna think about it.


Anyway, goodnight <3

My new life motto. Totally putting this everywhere :)

Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Gee... thanks Mom.

First off... I decided to start therapy because things have been going well and I want to keep them going in that direction. I am facing a fear of therapeutic trauma and my supervisor has, in so many ways, inspired me to take better care of myself and not be ashamed of what that may mean.


So after a conversation (by which I mean my mom talking and me just taking it all in like a brick wall) this morning... I got to thinking.


She told me that she wants to put me in a residential facility. AKA get rid of me. Cool.


It won't happen... not if I have anything to do with it... but anyway it for me thinking about recovery and things. What I'm going for right now in terms of recovery has nothing to do with how much I am eating, but having a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with food.


Once that is accomplished. I can work on how much... although, I think by having a healthier relationship to food that will work itself out. 


And then from there, I can get the NEDA symbol tattoo (I'm still liking the back of my neck for placement but not a huge tattoo). I was, for a while, toying with the idea of designing it into a dragon's tail or something and I just got a message from J saying she wants to hide the NEDA symbol in a butterfly tattoo on her hip. Gee... thanks for stealing my idea. I can't stand that. I'll get over it.


I'm doing okay despite my mother wanting to send me away. I was a little upset about it this morning when it happened but I didn't let it get to me too much, I'm not over thinking it, and I'm just going to let it go. As I am the tattoo thing.


Oh... also, I am currently not seeing any therapists. Hours don't fit with the guy at school and I didn't like the woman here at home (where I have been staying and commuting to work). I don't know if/when I will be going back but now, as you can see, my mom is really wanting me back in therapy... intensive therapy... she said this has been going on for too long.


Sorry I can't speed up the recovery process.

3 meals?!? What?!?

Yup, that's right. I totally did that today. Having 3 meals a day is such a scary concept for me... and although there are times when I manage to do it... I always feel like absolute SHIT about it.


But not today (not too much at least).


Breakfast- coffee (300) and protein muffin (130kcals) --- also two green tea triple fat burners
Lunch- turkey on whole wheat with spicy pineapple habenro and a red delicious apple (450kcals)
Snack- special k protein snack bar (110kcals)
Dinner- 2 turkey meatballs on whole wheat (500kcals)
Dessert- weight watchers ice cream cup (150kcals)


Total: 1,640 calories

Oh dear god it looks like a lot when I write it that way.
I did exercise today. And I also have to keep in mind that I round up... I always do 300 (sometimes 400) as a standard for my morning coffee, regardless of drinking it all or not which I didn't today, so that I start the day off with 300 calories and then have to watch everything else... or so it seems. And I round everything up. 


That is a really big number... but it's a healthy number, no?


Still trying to stay positive.


Not only did I cancel my drinking plans for the night so I could go home and have dinner, but I was also helping out with dress rehearsal and instead of staying the whole night to avoid dinner, I left earlier. I actually wanted to go home and have dinner. Wow... that's a first.


Anyway, I know lunch with be a no-go tomorrow with recital and all... not sure about dinner yet... and I'm going to go work out a little now...


This is good, right? 


1,000 or over is scary for me... 900 is scary... it needs to stay under 800 (on a day with extra exercise) otherwise 500 and below... which really is only 200 after my coffee... well, 150... I want to be under 500 not at it.

Ahh!! Numbers... no... this is good. Under 1,500 maybe would have been less overwhelming but this number is still okay...


And tomorrow will be lower so it's fine... I think...

Spring Cleaning

Oh... so I believe there are a few things I should update you on... like... oh, say... everything?!?


Where to even start??
I think I'll go from biggest to smallest...

So first, school. 
I am staying. My only option would have been to take a leave of absence until spring. None of the community college schedule's lined up with mine. Plus, I like my therapist at school.


For the moment, I am seeing two... sort of...
There's my therapist at school (who I am going to stay with), and the woman at home I went to see... I've only seen her once so far (I should cancel Monday's appointment) and I'm not a fan of her... I'm not nearly as comfortable as I am with the other guy.


          1st- she focused way way way too much on food and what did you eat and what's a typical day (in terms of food) and how often do you take diet pills, how often do you take laxatives, how often do you do this or that, do you have any rituals or obsessions regarding food?!? LIKE OH MY GOD! I THINK ABOUT FOOD 24/7!!! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WOMAN! Plus, she's trying to plant the idea of seeing a nutritionist.... umm... NO. I know what is healthy and unhealthy, I am fully conscious of this when I am doing either healthy or unhealthy behaviors. I have made progress, that is not what I am there for. 


          2nd- my therapist (the one I am going to continue seeing) lets me be the boss. He's there to join me on my journey and support me along the way... this woman wants to always talk about food and she wants to figure out what my problems are and focus on those... bitch.


          3rd- she writes things down. I don't care if it was just about food, I don't like that. I am a person... a human being, not a lab experiment. Enough said.


          4th- she's a she... yupp, I realized that it is easier for me to talk to guys/get along with guys/trust guys because of all the bitches who've gone behind my back in the past.


          5th- she does the occasional fake smile. I almost punched out a doctor once for that same damn fake smile. Don't test me.

So, yeah, I'm comfortable with the guy at school. Focusing MORE on food, is not something that helps me, it is not something I am comfortable with.


That was kind of two things in one... but anyway, the other thing is about J. We didn't talk for over a month... I deleted her number, removed her from facebook, and blocked her on g-mail...

Yet, when I saw a number on my phone that was similar to hers I had to double check with someone because  the number had called twice in a few minutes and I had this incredible urge to see if it was J and if she was okay.


She called Monday night. Long story short, we're friends again... but we have boundaries. Which is fine. It's just for the time being until we are both more stable. There were tears. There were confessions. 


We will always be friends... until we are old and wrinkly and gray...


I'm still upset about the concert.
That was a night I waited forever for and will never get back.


But what's done is done and I'm not going to dwell on the past.


I was actually thinking of something the other day when I was thinking about the two therapists. I've given up on trying to figure out why I have an eating disorder. Yes, I believe some of us are born sort of at more of a risk of developing one, I think the majority of it is in our brains, it is how we cope... blah, blah, blah... But I'm over trying to figure out why. What was it that triggered all of this? I don't know. And really, why does it matter? As long as I can learn to cope with things in a healthier way (i.e. no cutting) and be happier in general. I know that having a healthy body will make me mentally happier and that being happier will help me to eat in healthier ways. 


I am very aware now of right and wrong, so to speak. What I really need to do is learn to cope. I know that increased confidence and self esteem will also come with the better body image... but I have to do it in a healthy way. I also will probably need to work on the "not-good-enough" thoughts and feelings... but really, I don't need to use therapy to focus on food. I'm over being defined by this eating disorder. And that's all focusing on food does for me... 


People are trying to hard to figure me out... and I don't want to be figured out... I don't even understand myself most of the time... but that's okay, I don't need to have it all together all the time... I just need to be able to deal. 
I don't always know what's gonna trigger me... but what's it matter as long as I know how to handle it?


I've always been a bit of a mystery... so let's keep it that way :)


I'm a special kind of case. I have done a lot of the work on my own before going into therapy... I am going to be a therapist myself. I am and have been my own client through this whole process of taking the first steps to recovery... I've dug deep and I've learned a lot about myself.


I'm tired of focusing on the bad... I know the good is in there somewhere... I just have to dig a little deeper and throw all the garbage out on the curb. But I've got a lot of garbage... and it's heavy stuff... that's where the therapist comes in.


Spring cleaning isn't so bad when you're not alone.

Make the feelings stop!

So... I realized something today...


It's not the boy that I miss. 
It's not T. 
It's C. 


I miss him so fucking much!! I felt so safe when I was with him... safe from the world... safe from myself. Like as long as I was in his arms I couldn't hurt me. All I want right now is to  be in his arms again... 


I'm not going to go on too much more about this. I wrote three pages about it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Crap. At least I'm not as upset as before.


Here's a post from a conversation I had with him a few months ago (C convo). There's a little background info in there too.
Since then, we've talked only a few times and we were joking around... yeah, not going into it... but I miss him.
I hate feelings.
I want them to stop.


I had 3 meals yesterday!! Progress!! And I wasn't SUPER upset about it. Today I only had dinner. I may have a little bit of a snack later. I bought a few groceries (cereal type stuff) so that I have some food when my parents are here next weekend and they don't ask why there's no food. I'll ask them to bring a few fresh things up with them also. I'm hoping that they stay overnight so we can go into the city the next day and do something but who knows. I doubt J will come, this will be the first of my shows she's missing (I think). But whatever.


I finally saw "No Strings Attached" last night. I can not tell you how much I loved it!! I could totally see myself as Emma a lot of the time. 

I was just laughing by myself in my room... like full on cracking up! I think it's good when you can laugh by yourself, or at yourself (even when you're alone). I make myself laugh all the time. I trip over things, think I'm getting attacked by birds, circle mailboxes because I'm not 100% sure how they work. It's all good. It's those little things that make me who I am. 


Oh. And my AC is leaking... like a lot. It could be a possible reason for the buggies. ICK. Okay, peace.

I just ate peanut butter...

Why?

Because I'm a fucking fatass, that's why.

Some thoughts paralyze me.

Wrote this after my two posts last night. My morning writing was not so positive today... I'm not even close to done with it. I'm throwing food out. I ate too much breakfast. I hate this. I hate it all so much.

Tired of waiting...

Still no word from the counseling center. Ate way too much today...


Other than that, it was an amazing day. I had the best day at work (again). I think I may have eaten too much because I haven't heard back from the counseling center.

I made some major revelations this morning. 

Short N Sweet. Peace out <3 <3

The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.


Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 


So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.


I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.


I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 


I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 


My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.


I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 


He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.


I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 


Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.

So just love me as I come...

I added  on to the song page!! I now have videos for....
-Breathe by Billy Dortch
-It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore
-Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill


So my throat is KILLING me. Like, it feels really tight... I dunno... I hope I'm not getting sick again, I barely ever got better.

So yesterday... oh my God. I had to bake fresh cookies from scratch. Never did that before. It was okay. Kinda gross cause then I smelled like butter and had to obsessively wash my hands. The worst part though, I had to eat part of one. I thought I was going to die but if a kid offers you food you can't refuse, you at least have to take the first bite (which is the hardest of course). But saying no to the food is like saying no to the kid so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Then when I left I was driving back freaking out all I wanted to do was throw up, but I couldn't cause I was in the car... I wanted to pull over so badly even if I just threw up in a bush or on the side of the road it was that bad. I was crying and shaking. I didn't allow myself to pull over though. That would just have opened so many more doors for me that I don't need to go through.


I did eat a little dinner later that night. I also had dinner tonight (plus a snack, ew). Breakfast and lunch were both just coffee. I am making myself eat at least one meal a day (typically dinner) and getting coffee when I want it. Even if I feel kind of gross after I know I can't let myself get too far down the path of anorexia... as much as I want it... as bad as that sounds.


I got two of the books (Shrink Yourself and The Body Image Workbook). I started reading Shrink Yourself and even though I'm  not really an "emotional eater" to the extent in which the book was written, I still use food as a way to avoid my emotions... whether it's a binge or extreme restriction. I have a terrible relationship with food, I'm aware of that. But even though there are a lot of things in the book that don't apply to me... it's still interesting material and we'll see what happens when I get to the activities at the end. I'm not ready for The Body Image Workbook. Not at all. I have to get through Telling ED No! and Regain Your Self first. Those are being shipped to my apartment. 

Oh... and something I learned. I can't rush recovery. I can't set a date for myself that I want to be "better" by. Life doesn't work by set deadlines... it just goes with the flow... and that's what I'm going to do... although, I may be swimming upstream a lot before I found out where I made that wrong turn.


I don't have too too much to say right now. Like I said, I'm not feeling well. My sinuses are going crazy! It sucks but it's whatever... I just hope I'm not getting sick again. I took some medicine just in case though.


By the way... check out Feather in the Wind. It's really beautiful <3

She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

And so it begins....

Back at school. Headache all day. Already feel as though I've eaten too much. Spent quite a few hours at the gym too. 


I feel lonely, unloved, used, cheated, lied to, fat, ugly, gross, disgusting, worthless, ignored, forgotten, unrecognizable, unhappy, depressed, unwanted, stupid, pathetic, useless, overwhelmed.... I could keep going for days....


That's all.

Whoops....

One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah. 


So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me. 


I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.


I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat. 


I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.

Wow

I just realized that my actual fear of food didn't come until after treatment. After they made me gain too much weight too fast and way before I was anywhere near mentally ready. I may have gotten skinny, I may have skipped meals, exercised, ate small amounts, ate healthy foods... but I wasn't AFRAID of food. 


God, that place fuckin ruined my life. I have nothing against treatment... but this place was just. Ugh. It's the reason I hate hospitals. And I wasn't the only one who had a bad experience there.

Bones

I'm starting to feel my bones a little more... collar bones, ribs, hip bones. Sometimes I tap or hit them just to make sure they're still there. I still have a shit-ton of fat covering them, but maybe I'm finally loosing some weight again? My ass is still freakishly huge... and my legs. And I hate hate hate my arms. Eww gross. 


I realized today that one of my ribs sticks out more than the rest. Not like one side, but actually one rib. It's the 7th or 8th down on my right side. My next tattoo is going on that side. I don't know if I ever told you guys what it was...? Anyway it's an under boob tattoo :) Haha. I'm getting it next week. I designed the hearts kind of, its a red and pink one overlapping and then it's going to say 'you can be loved...' 


If you go to my 'breathe' page at the  very bottom there is a picture I made of the poem I got that from. It's my absolute favorite... and the way I see it, if it's tattooed on my body I have to believe it. Right? So anyway, I've had some whole grain goldfish and raisins today. I've taken a few diet pills. I'm out of expel, I really like those ones. Trip to Rite-Aid soon? So yeah... I'm planning on grabbing a protein bar before my jazz class and then I won't have anything between then and the show. I'm only in two pieces and don't do much in either so I'm at no risk for passing out. Besides I have been minimally eating so I know I'll be okay. I do have apples... so tomorrow I will have an apple. I need to get back into eating my fruits.


I'm literally sitting here listening to music, dancing, and feeling my collar bone. I'm such a weirdo! I need all this belly fat shit to be gone though. I'm not really nervous about the booby tattoo even though I'm sure it'll hurt, but I don't want him to see all my fatness. Or rather, I don't like that he's going to. I don't care if he sees a boob. Honestly, having him see my wrist was SO much worse than anything else would ever be. 

Not what I'm getting, just the placement :)

I bruised my left hip last night at dress rehearsal. I landed on it out of a roll. Oops, haha that's never happened before. But I don't mind when I bruise in bony spots (or what I want to be bony) because it somehow makes me feel smaller. I'm still in a decent mood... surprisingly. I'm going to go work on my abs and do some leg weights and a few things for these grotesque arms before class. I have about 2 hours... I should be able to get enough done by then.

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 


I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 


The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.


Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 


Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.


I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.


So much for a better New Year. 


I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):


Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.
Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them
Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.
Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.


(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)


Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Back to school

So I'm back at school. Already ate more than I wanted to today (and it's only like 6-something) but it really isn't bad... just more than I wanted. 


I'll eat less during the week in class cause I'll be busier. It's just these damn nights. I hate not having places to go every night of the week like when I'm home. I'll survive. I think.


It's just for two weeks. I have class all this week, and finals all next week. Well, really, I'm done with finals Wednesday night. Then Thursday I have a 'hiring interview' for my internship to get all the paperwork done and make it official and then Friday I just have Pilates exams. I'll be home by next Friday night (the 10th) and I'll go out that night, I should be back early enough for at least a movie or something.


I'm just kind of ranting as I sit here wrapped up in a polka dot blanket watching Teen Nick, Coke Zero in hand... ugh, which is gross, I hate soda. Anyway, I'll try to do a daily update tomorrow, I think it should be a good day. 

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 


I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 


Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?