The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.


Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 


So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.


I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.


I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 


I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 


My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.


I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 


He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.


I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 


Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.

I'm trying...

Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.


So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.


Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.


But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one.  And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me,  call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last. 

Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them. 


I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.

Sometimes, it's about me.


There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.