Not good...

I feel myself slipping... really slipping. Everything was going pretty well... I was fine all day today. I think it's being back at my apartment. Holy fuck. I just made the decision to stay at school. Maybe I was wrong. I just really liked this therapist over any other. Oh my god... I'm totally freaking out. I'm fighting against myself so damn hard right now.


Maybe I'll commute to work everyday from home. Not even be in Philly at all during the summer. Holy fuck. I don't know what to do.

I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

Eeek!!!

Okay... so first of all, thank you for the comments on my last post. I know, it sounds like a dumbass, stuck-up problem to have but when you don't see what other people see, you being to think everyone is lying to you... which I already think. And if anyone was actually bored enough to go and read my "about me" section (aka "why I'm here") then you would see that even when I was a kid (we're talking 3/4 years old) and people would tell me how pretty I was how I thought they were lying to me because I didn't see what they were seeing.


JDawg: thank you :)
Peanut: thanks for understanding <3
Unbeautiful: you are beautiful (yeah, yeah, internet/blog people don't count as real people). but i'm telling you that you are. if you aren't being told, it's not because you aren't. i can tell from your picture that you are beautiful on the outside and from the comments you are always leaving me that you are beautiful on the inside <3

So... now about the "Eeek!!!". Before I started this blog, when I first moved into my apartment, I had a bit of a big issue. There was a giant mutant bug with about 8 million legs running around my apartment and coming toward me. Yes, late at night I ran down to the security guard shaking and with tears running down my face. They aren't supposed to go into resident rooms, but he reallllly felt bad for me.


Well, he couldn't find the damn thing. So, I went and slept at a friends apartment for the night (after chain smoking a box of cigarettes on her front steps. We went to class together in the morning and I was out ALL day with classes. During an afternoon break I had a friend come to my apartment with me for support while I SPRAYED THE SHIT out of everything with raid. We're talking an entire can here people. Then even that night, I was afraid to be in here. I couldn't sleep. Showering was the most terrifying thing ever... to this day I still check the bathroom walls before I can pee just in case. 


So today, at about 11am, I'm getting ready to go to the mall (I never got there) and there's another. And I screamed and it ran behind the molding of my bathroom door. Now I'm in a bra, standing on my futon, shaking to the point my legs can barely hold me up. I called my mom, I called T (girl), I text T (ex) to come help me. So... he didn't wanna get out of bed. Asshole. By 11:30ish I'm standing on my chair at my desk, still to afraid to get the almost empty can of raid sitting outside the bathroom door, and still afraid to go in the bathroom for my friggin shirt! This thing was like the size of my hand. So anyway, my bathroom is directly across from me... and what do I see... ANOTHER ONE! Smaller. I think it was a baby. I call up T hysterical freaking out that these things have come to murder me and he doesn't wanna get out of bed. I literally could not breathe. He told me to look at my wrist, I half did, but the fresh cuts from yesterday weren't helping the situation. He said I was just being a baby and if I still had the problem in half hour that he would come over. 


So I get off the phone with him and call my mom back.She talked me through all of my shrieking and screaming and hysteria... the thing ran under my bed, but just at the edge, and then came over to the corner nearest me... this happened as I was putting on the flipflips next to my chair so I could go over and get the raid. I JUMPED back on the futon SCREAMING at the top of my lungs and hyperventilating... 


I managed to run over, grab the raid, and get back on the desk chair. (This thing had already starred me down when I first saw it in the bathroom, they really are out to get me.) So I'm on the chair and my mom tells me to spray it... so... I do.


And what happens?? The thing fucking CHARGES me and tries to run up the fucking chair!!! NOT AN OKAY SITUATION!! I just kept spraying and jumped over to the futon where I sprayed it a few more times just to really make sure it was dead.


Now... I have a dead bug on my floor, no raid left, and another creepin in my walls. I found something to throw on and ran down to get someone in the office to get the body out for me. I had to wait 20minutes for the office to open and the security guard saw I was like freaking out so he asked what was wrong and he talked to me until the guy came, he wasn't even ready for work he just came up front to check something, but he came up anyway. He got the dead one for me and without asking searched the bathroom just to make sure no more were in sight. He didn't see any so after he left I ran out to CVS to buy more raid.


I came back with 2 cans and got back to my building around 1 (so I was out for like an hour). I text T to see if he was still sleeping. I STILL (it's like 9:30 now) HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM. When I got back I sat outside. I can be a big girl and spray myself but I need someone to be there with me in case one fuckin charges me... which as of today, I was proven WILL HAPPEN. After like 5 min the security guard came out and saw I was there and he stayed outside for the next like 2 hours just talking to me until finally I got someone to come over. 


It was M. He was my last resort... and he not only thinks I'm crazy, but also now delusional. He totally didn't believe me. Ugh. Whatever. So we sprayed, and I left. I went tanning, then got to dance early. After dance, I hung out for about an hour before coming back to my apartment. I just got back at like 8:20. I sprayed some more and still have not taken my shoes off. I keep looking around. I'm all itchy. I will NOT be getting any sleep tonight.


I'm also really upset about what T did. That was so NOT cool. I straight up called him. He could heard how terrified I was, I was hysterical!! I don't care if he thinks I'm a fuckin psyco and never wants to speak to me again but at that point I really just needed help with these fuckin bugs!


They're centipedes by the way. Big ones. Fast ones. 
Mutants. 
And their out to get me.

The only way to overcome fear, is to face it.

And that's what I tried. Major fail.


So the thing is... when I get around the hospital, that town in general, I start to hyperventilate, I get a knot in my stomach, I can't breathe, I take short, shallow breaths. I enter panic mode. Every. Single. Time.


I was driving today, and something in me just knew that I had to go back there. I had to get to that town, park my car, get out, and breathe. I could've taken a walk, or sat on a bench. But I just needed to go there and be able to breathe in that place. Weird I know. But something in me just knew this is something that I have to do.


So I drove there. I entered panic mode as per usual. Gripping the steering wheel, breathing heavily, holding back tears, trying to catch my breath, looking at nothing but the road ahead. I couldn't do it. Couldn't pull over, couldn't stop the car, couldn't even open a window.


I got in and I got out. It took me some time to calm down after leaving, as it always does. I know more than ever now that I need to do this. I need to do this to move on. I need to do this before I can ever even think of stepping up and seeking professional help.


God, what the fuck is wrong with me? Who the hell hyperventilates because of the area they are in?! It was such a simple task really. Go there, and breathe. And I failed. Go me.

I'm trying...

Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.


So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.


Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.


But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one.  And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me,  call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last. 

Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them. 


I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.

Sometimes, it's about me.


There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

Do what you love. Love what you do.

I do what I do because I love if and if someone doesn't see that, then screw them. At least I know what's important to me and I know how to set my priorities. So what if I'm not the best student? Who cares? School's not always at the top of my list. There are more important things in life than just getting good grades. 


And if I have to skip a night out once in a while so I can wake up early to help someone else, than so be it. I volunteer, a lot. I do it because I love it, it's important to me and those kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. It's also good for me in a way because I do better in general when I have less time free time. I work with kids with special needs, anything you can think of... serious, or minor... they are everything to me. 


Any of my "friends" who think I don't spend enough time with them or get angry because I'm not willing to give up my time with these kids, or the kids I teach dance to, aren't worth my time. If the things that are important to me don't matter to them, then it's never gonna work out between us. I'm way to passionate about what I do to let anything ever get in the way of it.

Music Help?

Hi!!


Random, but does anyone know how to get music on my page? I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me... I've tried numerous things =/ 


Haha, thanks!!