Not good...

I feel myself slipping... really slipping. Everything was going pretty well... I was fine all day today. I think it's being back at my apartment. Holy fuck. I just made the decision to stay at school. Maybe I was wrong. I just really liked this therapist over any other. Oh my god... I'm totally freaking out. I'm fighting against myself so damn hard right now.


Maybe I'll commute to work everyday from home. Not even be in Philly at all during the summer. Holy fuck. I don't know what to do.

Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.


So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 


Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.


I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.


And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 


I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 


I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.


I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.


Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

Daily Update 2

So my daily updates aren't going to be very daily... but I'm going to do one throughout today because I think it may be an eventful day.


Some things you may be interested in that I am currently doing:


~ Reading- Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (just started yesterday and already loving it!)
~ Mood- blehhh & aggravated about having to cover my wrists
~ Hair color- soon to be partially pink and glow in the dark 
~ On itunes- My Heroine by Silverstein (I have to call ticketmast today because there was a problem with my tickets!!!)
~ Nail color- naked, although really wanting a shocking electric blue/torquise.... I need an Ulta trip anyway today.
~ Scent- in need of buying a new body spray and/or time for a shower =P


My mom just text me. I guess I'm going to go down and get started on my hair. My roots are starting to come in and I don't want to look trashy so I should probably touch up my brown before dying the bottom layer pink, but really, that's too much effort for me right now.


~~


              The Process
- Step 1: Dye all hair brown
- Step 2: Spill bleach powder all over the living room

- Step 3: Apply bleach and let it change my hair to a multitude of colors
- Step 4: Rinse (turns out this was a major ab workout)
- Step 5: Dry freshly bleached hair (breaking my hairbrush during this process)

- Step 6: Apply color

- Step 7: Sit on my bed blowing a hairdryer on myself because I am cold and wet
- Step 8: Rinse
- Step 9: Shower and dry hair to reveal finished product

 ~~

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I just stopped by my old dance studio... okay by stopped by I mean hung out for like 2+ hours talking and then took a class and hung out some more. But anyway, I feel great. I didn't feel like I was dancing that well tonight but I felt like I was dancing and my teachers were all really proud of me because the quality of my dancing has improved so much and my dancing has matured a lot so, yay! I'm currently watching Modern Family, funny stuff =)

Also, my mom kinda tried to set me up with some guy... awkward!!! She like tricked me into meeting him kinda, haha. But it's whatever I mean he's nice and it wasn't really, I dunno. She was just like I want you to meet him (he works at a jewelry store) and then later on she was like so if he adds you on facebook you'll tell me right? Because of course she told him he could find me on there. Ha, he won't add me cause it's just weird but it was funny I guess. He's a nice guy though... not bad looking, reminds me of one of my friends though. I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing yet. He lives on the block I used to live on... yeah, my mom got to know him pretty well. Eh. 

Alrighty, well I'm out for the day. Peace☮

Daily Update 1

You know what I  miss? Like, really really miss? Smiling. I mean, I'm not saying I don't smile on occasion, I do... but not a real smile. All I want right now is to smile, and it seems weird but it's been so long since I've truly been happy. And not only that, even when I do smile now, I'm so conscious of it and of how I look when I smile. I hate the way I look when I smile. My cheeks are too big. My eyes get smaller. When I was skinny I didn't have these problems, well, not to the degree that it bothered me right now.


That is what I was thinking about while I was at the gym. Smiling. Right now I'm in psychology. Class hasn't actually started yet so it's not like I'm not paying attention. I need to really start studying so I can do well on my finals in a few weeks. I can't keep messing around. I might actually go to the library. I never go to the library. But I think it'll be good. No distractions, I won't be totally alone, and no risk of binging. I was gonna hang out with a friend tonight, but I just have so much to do.


So far today I'm in a decent mood. Wasn't feeling well this morning due to allergies. I'm allergic to pretty much everything. If there's an allergy to it, I have it. Anyway, I take tons of meds for them but the one time release decongestant that I originally used was the only one that really really worked and got rid od f the morning sickness. Since it was discontinued I now take something else, which doesn't work as well but I guess it's the next best thing. Anyway, yeah, my allergies make me nauseous in the morning. And I'm not a fan of breakfast... sometimes it gets to the point where I have no choice but to eat something dry like a rice cake or something. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world though, right?


I'm excited to head home tomorrow night. I'll be home probably close to 10pm (depending on traffic, probably sooner actually) and then I have to leave Sunday morning to get back for rehearsal. There are goods and bads about being home.


Good
- eat healthy (less chance of a binge)
- quick check coffee =) yum!
- won't be alone


Bad
- have to leave my cigarettes here (I shouldn't be stressed to the point that I need them though)
- can only take so many diet pills and need to be discrete about taking them and make what I take last the four days
- make sure wrists are covered up at all times!


I've been trying to really take my life one day at a time. So today, I'm planning on going back to my apartment after class for lunch and a shower. Breakfast today was coffee. Lunch is going to be a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then I have 3 dance classes. I have modern, a break, jazz, and advanced jazz. Usually during my break I will go to the gym for the second time (I go before the class I'm currently in also). I might bring some things to study today though. Maybe even go sit at a table to make sure I get work done. I do want to hang out with my friend tonight but I'm just going to let whatever happens happen. 


As I'm writing this I'm thinking I am going to do a daily update. Within the same post I will update once in the morning and once at night... and anytime in between I feel is necessary. I will do this within the same post by editing it so I don't have too many posts a day and then inspirational things and random stuff I feel like putting on here will be separate. As of now, it's around 10am. I have been up since 6am. I taught a pilates class and learned the arm weight series as well as went to the gym before coming here. Tomorrow my day starts later, not until 12:30, which is weird for me. I mean, I'll be up earlier for the gym of course. And now since I'm just rambling I think it's safe to say that this portion of my update has ended! I'll try to pay attention to class now.


~~


I'm on my break now... procrastinating of course. Something I forgot to mention that happened this morning is kind of coming back to bother me... don't worry I'm in a pretty decent mood right now! It's just in the back of my mind... I have to start wearing short sleeves to pilates so the teacher and myself can see my arms. Problem with that is, I hate my arms. They're gross which is why I always dance in long sleeves... or why I always wear long sleeves actually. I think my arms are the last place I loose weight from, which really sucks but whatever. I dunno, I'm gonna keep putting it off as long as I can. If she brings it up again I guess I'll have to bring a short sleeve shirt, I'll start off with long short sleeves though.


I'm sitting outside the dance studio right now as I continue to procrastinate. I just went into the book store and got this book called Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James. The cover says "100 ways to regain peace and nourish your soul". It's an adorable mini-sized book that I plan to keep in my purse =)


It says things like: spend time in nature, connect with the sun, figure out what you don't want in your life, have weekend retreats at home, smile a lot, and tons of other great things! I plan on reading the whole thing, but I want to keep it with me so when I'm stressed out I can just flip to a page and find something that will help me calm down in the moment. I've only been flipping through the pages and looking at the headers (I literally JUST bought it), but so far I think it's really great. You should check it out sometime.


I realized my posts are going to be super long because I'm doing this 'Daily Update' style, hope you guys don't mind! I have a great video I want to show you guys though!





Enjoy!


~~


It is now almost 11pm and I just got back from the gym with a friend. Overall, I think today was a good day. I stayed in a good mood all day, my eating wasn't too bad, I went to the gym twice, danced pretty well, and now I'm about to knock out some studying for that test I have tomorrow. I think I'll survive tomorrow too. =)