I think accidentally dying my hair so dark is triggering me....

So I've been wanting to put some hi-lights in my hair... lighten it up a bit, add some texture... ya know? But my roots looked like shit so I had to dye full color first.


Now I never get upset when the color comes out wrong, it happens all the time. And I've accidentally dyed my hair black many-a-time... but for some reason this time it's really upsetting me.


And now I have to re-dye it to get a lighter brown before I can even hi-light it.

And underneath where the pink and blue used to be had been a lighter brown just from the fact that it was previously bleached... now my hair is one solid color. Full on black. 


It sucks. 


And I don't know why this is upsetting me so much right now... and of course once one stupid little thing upsets me it makes everything else just come back to me... and now suddenly everything is wrong.

This song reminds me of the boy... 

I feel super gross today...

I miss C and I can't do anything about it...

I have no razors here...

My car is in the shop... there's no air in my bike...

I have no razors...

I can find something...

J's grandma just died and I'm miserable because I don't have a razor handy??
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

This all started because of some fucking hair dye.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck.

Totally random...

So first off, there's a few things that I wish were different about blogspot...


a) I wish there was a way to be notified if when someone comments. Not like, on your own blog, that's easy enough to check... but I mean on other people's blogs. So that we could like... respond to a person's comment right there. I used to do that all the time and then I was like... who's gonna see this? Who is going to go back to an old entry and read through the comments? So yeah, I wish there was an option for that.


b) I wish we could make posts available only to subscribers. I wouldn't do this for all of my posts but there are a few things I wanna get out there but I'm paranoid other people will find them somehow and magically know it's about them if it is. I know, kind of unrealistic, but whatever.


c) I had another one, but by the time I got around to writing this I totally forgot.





OH! And I don't think I told you guys, but I'm back to being a straight up brunette. It's been so long!! I do really like it though. It's a lighter lighter underneath and if you look closely you can still see some of the colors very faded under the brown, but I kind of like it that way. It makes it unique. Anyway, my internship starts tomorrow so I figured it was better to go all brown than re-bleach, re-dye, blah blah blah. 


Also, I had a very lovely encounter with a homeless woman today. I always feel bad when I have nothing to give the homeless, but she was very sweet and so nice! I felt super bad cause it wasn't like she was one of the creeper guys that stand outside of the 7-11, she was just walking along with her friend and they needed tokens for the trolley. I wish I could've helped. One day I will be able to.






Holy CRAP my back hurts right now! Sorry, talk about random....

I really had so much to say but now I can't remember any of it!! That's alright, I'll keep this post short I guess since it's the second of the day. Although... the thing I was kind of referring to about wishing I could make private entries... is probably going to be a new post I may right tonight. It's a boy thing... not something I usually post about since boys don't really like me. I just got proof of it is all... I mean, kind of. I just came finally agreed that, yes, there are plenty of guys who would fuck me, but that's all they want from me. Yeah, I'll get the details to you guys in another post at a later time. 

 So I'll waste my time and I'll burn my mind on miss nothing, miss everything.

Okay, I'm done now.


Much love <3

I know I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Okay... so I think it's about time I ease up on the ex-lax. Or just go back to regular instead of extra strength... or don't take them literally at the same time as diuretics. I've been doing a lot of writing lately... I'll have to get some of it on here. Some is good (as in hopeful) some is not... 


My hair is really fading... I have so much sharpie in it right now and it's still got blonde spots cause it's difficult to color the back of your own head with a marker. It might be about time for a touch up. It has been a few weeks. I really do love this color though. I wanna keep it forever and ever.... Ha... or at least until my hair is long and I can do straight up purple.


So I kept watching the video for "Gunnin'" last night. I think the reason it was so intense for me is that I can see myself as that girl, I do the things she did, I cry when I see the numbers on the scale... I remember a few summers ago when I hit 120... it was the worst feeling ever for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop crying. And then I always have these thoughts that no one would ever want me... especially because of how crazy I am. And I know that there are no guys out there like in the video. The part when he pulls her shirt down and wraps his arms around her without saying anything really gets to me every time. And when he's outside the bathroom door. It really is a sad video though. 


I've also been listening to "Perfect" by Hedley a lot. Really, I've been listening to Hedley for the last two days. They are an amazing band. 


There's some shit goin' on with J right now. And yeah...we'll see. I need her to talk to me about something and she's just avoiding it which means it actually is a big deal to her which can't be good cause it affects me too. It's difficult to explain.


I have a headache right now... I need to leave for auditions soon. I have like hours of auditions followed by three hours of rehearsal. I should be done by 10pm. I really just don't want to move at all today though. I went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yeah, that happened. I wanna go to bed now. I mean, I just showered and did my hair and makeup... but my heads killing me, I'm exhausted, and it didn't make me feel any better. 


I feel so fucking bloated and fat. I just can't get rid of my stomach. And my arms are so gross. They need to go so I can wear something cute to my blacklight party. And the hips need to go to... obviously. And my legs are huge, always have been. Even when I was under 100 pounds my legs were always too big. 


I really wish auditions weren't mandatory. I'm not going to be in any of the pieces that are auditioning today anyway. And my left arm hurts. I've actually had a brace on my wrist for the last week. Well....I haven't worn it in two days even though it still hurts cause it bothers me and I can't read my 'breathe' tattoo with it on.


Fucking headache.


I should go.

New Tattoo?!?

Sorry for the lack of updates, my computer straight up died a few days ago. I should be getting a new one soon... hopefully really soon. Anyway, I'm up (well it's not like I slept I was out until almost 6am) and just about to take a much needed shower due to the smell of some things my parents would not appriciate while under their roof. Haha. I've been sick with a sore throat/cold for a week now though so I really can't smell a thing.

I died my hair some more yesterday, I'll have more pictures to come when I take them but since I was on my way out I don't really have a lot. The colors bled together a little bit so it didn't really come out the way I had planned it but I still love it! I had a few spots that the color missed and were still blonde from the bleaching, but a simple sharpie fixes that perfectly! They really are amazing for touch-ups :)

Oh and yeah, so I got the second tattoo. Haha, what an eventful day :) I absolutely love love love this one!!! 

Step 1: place permanent reminder on my body

Step 2: believe it

I also started writing a 'guide' sort of... about how to love myself. Wow. Who needs a guide for that? But whatever... it stemmed off K telling me to make a list of all the things I love about myself and putting it somewhere I can always see and read it. So anyway, I swear this 'guide' is going to turn into a fucking novel. Once I get some more done and get it typed up (handwritten due to death of my laptop) then I will share it with all of you lovlies <3

Okay, I think it's shower time... I don't have any unscented soap or anything here... but apparently I reek. I'll make due. I feel kind of icky anyway and showers always make people feel better. I just wish I didn't have to wash m hair but I'm sure, of course, most of the stentch is in there. 

Daily Update 2

So my daily updates aren't going to be very daily... but I'm going to do one throughout today because I think it may be an eventful day.


Some things you may be interested in that I am currently doing:


~ Reading- Beautiful Boy by David Sheff (just started yesterday and already loving it!)
~ Mood- blehhh & aggravated about having to cover my wrists
~ Hair color- soon to be partially pink and glow in the dark 
~ On itunes- My Heroine by Silverstein (I have to call ticketmast today because there was a problem with my tickets!!!)
~ Nail color- naked, although really wanting a shocking electric blue/torquise.... I need an Ulta trip anyway today.
~ Scent- in need of buying a new body spray and/or time for a shower =P


My mom just text me. I guess I'm going to go down and get started on my hair. My roots are starting to come in and I don't want to look trashy so I should probably touch up my brown before dying the bottom layer pink, but really, that's too much effort for me right now.


~~


              The Process
- Step 1: Dye all hair brown
- Step 2: Spill bleach powder all over the living room

- Step 3: Apply bleach and let it change my hair to a multitude of colors
- Step 4: Rinse (turns out this was a major ab workout)
- Step 5: Dry freshly bleached hair (breaking my hairbrush during this process)

- Step 6: Apply color

- Step 7: Sit on my bed blowing a hairdryer on myself because I am cold and wet
- Step 8: Rinse
- Step 9: Shower and dry hair to reveal finished product

 ~~

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I just stopped by my old dance studio... okay by stopped by I mean hung out for like 2+ hours talking and then took a class and hung out some more. But anyway, I feel great. I didn't feel like I was dancing that well tonight but I felt like I was dancing and my teachers were all really proud of me because the quality of my dancing has improved so much and my dancing has matured a lot so, yay! I'm currently watching Modern Family, funny stuff =)

Also, my mom kinda tried to set me up with some guy... awkward!!! She like tricked me into meeting him kinda, haha. But it's whatever I mean he's nice and it wasn't really, I dunno. She was just like I want you to meet him (he works at a jewelry store) and then later on she was like so if he adds you on facebook you'll tell me right? Because of course she told him he could find me on there. Ha, he won't add me cause it's just weird but it was funny I guess. He's a nice guy though... not bad looking, reminds me of one of my friends though. I haven't decided if that's a good or bad thing yet. He lives on the block I used to live on... yeah, my mom got to know him pretty well. Eh. 

Alrighty, well I'm out for the day. Peace☮