I thought I was doing so well...

Hi everyone,


Well... I've eaten more... I'm supposed to be happy about that I suppose. 


So my totals for the day:
-breakfast was the 120cal. muffin and some coffee
-lunch was 2 slices of turkey on a whole wheat arnolds (which I pulled about an 1/8 off and thew away) with pineapple habenero
-i also had a special k protein snack bar (110cal.) as the second part of my lunch. and like... 2 watermelon squares from a fruit bowl
-i had an afternoon snack of yogurt with a low fat granola
-for dinner I had a small piece of grilled chicken (which I ate most of) with salsa and a few broccoli florets


It seems like so much to me...

Oh... and I've now had a total of 7 fat burners for the day. And I've gotten back into the 1 ex-lax a night routine... which might be 2 tonight... I'll try not to. I know it's bad. 

I saw myself today... I saw what I'm doing to myself. I went to leave a video on my friends facebook wall and I just froze looking at myself. Maybe I have lost some weight.That's not a bad thing... but I know it's been done the wrong way. I want to beat this eating disorder... not fall back into it.


But it's just so much easier. 


I don't mind being the only one who's not eating, I will still go out to socialize and I just won't order anything... it doesn't bother me too much... okay... so it can be awkward I guess... but... oh fuck, I have no idea where I'm going with this. 


Maybe I'm not ready for recovery... maybe I can just hold on to this for a little longer...


I wrote a poem today... it's nothing special. Maybe not even a poem... just some random thoughts formatted to look like a poem. I just blurted it out right after I saw myself. It probably doesn't even make any sense.

It's a funny thing really,

how I couldn't be happier to see the pounds drop.

Yet there's something inside me,

something way, far, deep down.

And I can feel it breaking,

slowly dying away.

One by one,

the pounds are dropping.

Taking with them,

the better part of me.

I feel so alive,

yet I feel so very empty.

My every thought,

my every sensation,

contradicting the last.

Wanting to get better,

yet letting myself slip.

Knowing I should eat,

but my body doesn't move.

Taking more pills,

with each passing day.

Trying to fill the hole that's within.

A hunger that can't be fed,

as I watch myself wasting away.

I'm never enough.
I'll never be enough.
I never was enough.

Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

3 meals?!? What?!?

Yup, that's right. I totally did that today. Having 3 meals a day is such a scary concept for me... and although there are times when I manage to do it... I always feel like absolute SHIT about it.


But not today (not too much at least).


Breakfast- coffee (300) and protein muffin (130kcals) --- also two green tea triple fat burners
Lunch- turkey on whole wheat with spicy pineapple habenro and a red delicious apple (450kcals)
Snack- special k protein snack bar (110kcals)
Dinner- 2 turkey meatballs on whole wheat (500kcals)
Dessert- weight watchers ice cream cup (150kcals)


Total: 1,640 calories

Oh dear god it looks like a lot when I write it that way.
I did exercise today. And I also have to keep in mind that I round up... I always do 300 (sometimes 400) as a standard for my morning coffee, regardless of drinking it all or not which I didn't today, so that I start the day off with 300 calories and then have to watch everything else... or so it seems. And I round everything up. 


That is a really big number... but it's a healthy number, no?


Still trying to stay positive.


Not only did I cancel my drinking plans for the night so I could go home and have dinner, but I was also helping out with dress rehearsal and instead of staying the whole night to avoid dinner, I left earlier. I actually wanted to go home and have dinner. Wow... that's a first.


Anyway, I know lunch with be a no-go tomorrow with recital and all... not sure about dinner yet... and I'm going to go work out a little now...


This is good, right? 


1,000 or over is scary for me... 900 is scary... it needs to stay under 800 (on a day with extra exercise) otherwise 500 and below... which really is only 200 after my coffee... well, 150... I want to be under 500 not at it.

Ahh!! Numbers... no... this is good. Under 1,500 maybe would have been less overwhelming but this number is still okay...


And tomorrow will be lower so it's fine... I think...

ARRG!!!

I have the strongest urge to cut... I don't even know why. Nothing is SERIOUSLY wrong and driving me to do it right now... I think it's just because I haven't in so long (is that even possible?!?). 

So now not cutting is triggering me to cut?? What the fuck?!?


I've been scratching a lot cause I don't have razors here and I've been rubbing my collar bones (which seem to be slowly becoming more prominent) like, nonstop since last night =/


~~


I wrote this hours ago and just never posted it... don't worry, I didn't do anything. I just found this:

It really almost made my cry... I might cry. No... no I won't. I'm not going to cry over something stupid.

For my followers that have been here a while, you might recall that I am convinced everyone in the world is going to leave me, and that I am unlovable. You can't be loved until you love yourself, right?

If you've been on my BREATHE page, I have the post by Jen Lemen that I based my tattoo off of... so... yeah, this really stuck a cord with me. I don't see how I will ever be accepted in that way when I still don't accept myself. I am trying... really... 


I want to get better. I want to get through this. I want to love (like) myself. I want all of these things... 




But I also want to be thin. I want to keep my options open for a way out.

This is hard. Really, really hard. And there's no one that really understands what I'm going through... hell... I'm not even sure I understand.


I find it funny... how I am doing so much better... yet I still am like this. I look at these posts and think, "this is better?" 


I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to  fall in love. I want to be fallen in love with. I want to accept myself for who I am.

Want. Want. Want. God I'm so fucking selfish!


But you always have to look out for #1 first, and that's me. Me? Number 1?? Yeah right...


So often... I just wish I was someone else...

I think accidentally dying my hair so dark is triggering me....

So I've been wanting to put some hi-lights in my hair... lighten it up a bit, add some texture... ya know? But my roots looked like shit so I had to dye full color first.


Now I never get upset when the color comes out wrong, it happens all the time. And I've accidentally dyed my hair black many-a-time... but for some reason this time it's really upsetting me.


And now I have to re-dye it to get a lighter brown before I can even hi-light it.

And underneath where the pink and blue used to be had been a lighter brown just from the fact that it was previously bleached... now my hair is one solid color. Full on black. 


It sucks. 


And I don't know why this is upsetting me so much right now... and of course once one stupid little thing upsets me it makes everything else just come back to me... and now suddenly everything is wrong.

This song reminds me of the boy... 

I feel super gross today...

I miss C and I can't do anything about it...

I have no razors here...

My car is in the shop... there's no air in my bike...

I have no razors...

I can find something...

J's grandma just died and I'm miserable because I don't have a razor handy??
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

This all started because of some fucking hair dye.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck.

Made today...

Kind of shitty but it's whatever.


**MAY BE TRIGGERING**