ARRG!!!

I have the strongest urge to cut... I don't even know why. Nothing is SERIOUSLY wrong and driving me to do it right now... I think it's just because I haven't in so long (is that even possible?!?). 

So now not cutting is triggering me to cut?? What the fuck?!?


I've been scratching a lot cause I don't have razors here and I've been rubbing my collar bones (which seem to be slowly becoming more prominent) like, nonstop since last night =/


~~


I wrote this hours ago and just never posted it... don't worry, I didn't do anything. I just found this:

It really almost made my cry... I might cry. No... no I won't. I'm not going to cry over something stupid.

For my followers that have been here a while, you might recall that I am convinced everyone in the world is going to leave me, and that I am unlovable. You can't be loved until you love yourself, right?

If you've been on my BREATHE page, I have the post by Jen Lemen that I based my tattoo off of... so... yeah, this really stuck a cord with me. I don't see how I will ever be accepted in that way when I still don't accept myself. I am trying... really... 


I want to get better. I want to get through this. I want to love (like) myself. I want all of these things... 




But I also want to be thin. I want to keep my options open for a way out.

This is hard. Really, really hard. And there's no one that really understands what I'm going through... hell... I'm not even sure I understand.


I find it funny... how I am doing so much better... yet I still am like this. I look at these posts and think, "this is better?" 


I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to  fall in love. I want to be fallen in love with. I want to accept myself for who I am.

Want. Want. Want. God I'm so fucking selfish!


But you always have to look out for #1 first, and that's me. Me? Number 1?? Yeah right...


So often... I just wish I was someone else...

Confused!!

Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.


I've heard it all...


How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...


C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."


T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.


S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.


The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."


M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."


T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.


And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...


I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.