Confused!!

Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.


I've heard it all...


How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...


C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."


T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.


S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.


The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."


M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."


T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.


And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...


I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...

Unhealthy Cycle

So I figured out why I'm so bitter over the situation with the boy and decided not to call him anymore. We've gotten into this cycle of having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex... get it? 


So yeah... I have no problems with that. It's nothing that's really breaking me down emotionally or anything. But this pattern we've gotten into is subconsciously reinforcing the fact that I don't feel like I'm enough. He's the type of guy I could see bangin' a different girl every night... and I just happen to be at the top of his list when I'm in town.... okay.... that sounds really bad. He is a nice guy. He isn't doing any of this intentionally. But either way... I can't afford to have reinforcers of me not being enough. He just wants me for sex. And that's fine. But then what about everything else? 


That means I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not tan enough, I'm not healthy enough, I'm not crazy enough, I'm not sane enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not bitchy enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm not important enough... no need to continue...


And I really am doing well (whether noticeable or not, I can feel the slightest changes). Things I'm starting to realize... although I don't believe them yet.


So I've decided to not go down that road anymore. I don't want to backtrack. And there are people who regardless of the situation, I know will stand by me. T is one of them... even if we go through long periods of not seeing each other or really talking. But if I need something... I know I can always count on him to be there, if for nothing else than just talk to me. 


Ugh... and worst part of the T situation right now... is I think that I want him back. He's not feelin' the same way though... I know it. I wonder what would've happened if I opened up earlier on. I think it's better how we are now because we've gotten closer in the last year... but... yeah, who knows if that'll change anything now. 


We just need one good drunken night in the same place to start things up :)

Boys Boys Boys

Surprisingly, we got in NO trouble with the whole car thing. I didn't get to see T that night but I did see him last night. We hung out and it was fun, I really do miss hanging out with him. I realize a little more everyday how well he really does treat me and how he's there for me even if we haven't talked in a while and I come up with these ridiculous questions to ask him about me being a bad person or not being pretty or whatever else. I remember him telling me one time that I aggravated him when I did that because he just couldn't understand or whatever. And I love that he was honest with me... and it didn't change anything.


When we went out we weren't this close. He didn't know as much about me... I just recently started letting him in. And he's cool about it. He doesn't judge me for it. He's also changed some since then and I like that. But we drove back to school together and then I went over to his place and we smoked and watched a movie with his roommates. I really really wanted to hook up with him. Like so bad. But it didn't happen. I was actually way more upset about the fact that absolutely nothing happened then I thought I would be. It was still a good night though. Hopefully we can hang out more now.


I'm planning to finally have my blacklight party in about 3 weeks. I'm not going to invite the other boy. 
A) J would freak.
B) I don't want him and T in the same place... especially with everyone drinking and especially because T knows about him and some (most) of what the situation is. No... he knows it all...


If I had to choose between the two... T really is a good guy. I mean, they both are. But T is a better friend to me right now and I know that he would never take advantage of me. He really is starting to understand me. Haha... in the car last night he goes "you have a very addicting personality". BINGO. I know that. He also told me that he thinks we're all a little insane in our own minds... which made me feel a little better about being crazy. I haven't heard from him (yet) today but I know he had work for a few more hours. 


Oh boy drama. This rarely happens. But you know what... it gets my mind off everything else in my life. I would much rather have boy troubles then everything else I'm always dealing with. I'm going to clean. This week. I have much more motivation to now. Sleepover?? Hahaa. J told me last night that my problem was that I always sleep with assholes. But really... even if that's true, it doesn't bother me all that much. 


I dunno how I feel about it. I think I'm really leaning toward T right now though. I just miss being in someones arms. Is that bad? I mean, that's not why I'm "choosing" him or whatever... I think I actually may have more feelings for him then when we went out. Cause everything was so new then... him, dating, school, everything. And I didn't open up... I never even really got to be myself, I was still very shy and had a hard time trusting anyone (I'm getting better). We just hooked up all the time. Now we actually know each other. I just wish I knew what he was thinking...


Eh... well that's it for now. 


Broccoli... hahahaa. So true. Sorry, I should explain... one of my friends calls guys that are in T's frat broccoli because they repeat on you. I've hooked up with T after we broke up... she's done the same with guys she's been with in that frat... as well as another friend of ours. So yeah... broccoli. 


Or second chances <3

Not every girl can do that shit.

Everything's better with a tan.


Really, it is. In my opinion at least. Mine is slowly beginning to show. 


And I've been thinking about which piercing to get... I think I want a rook. Anyone have that done? That could possibly tell me on a scale of 1-10 how much it's going to make me cry? Seriously though, if you know anything about it let me know!



First off, I should apologize for the overload of posts. I just got back at school and have no one to talk to about anything, except for you guys. I'm still working on getting J to turn around but even when she does, it never will be and never has been the same since our first fight. She doesn't know everything, never has, never will. 


So really, the main reason for this post was the boy drama. Yeah, I dunno... I wish I could make this available just to be followers but what the hell.

I'm putting a disclaimer on this post from hear on out saying it's adult content. Personally, I don't think I went too overboard, but I just want to put that out there.

So here's what I don't get about guys. First of all, they're all douchbags. I mean, I know a few who aren't... well... like two... C and S. Both very, very far away. And one of course is like, my best friend. So anyway, guys just want sex. Whatever. That's fine with me. But if all you wanna do is fuck around then I'd rather you straight up be an asshole to my face. Don't go bein' all nice and spending the rest of the night talking to me about anything and everything... literally everything. We already had sex, you got what you wanted. So go home. Don't continue being nice to me. Asshole. 


But here's the thing. I'm more pissed at myself for letting my guard down. I NEVER let my guard down. It takes people years to never to get to know the real me. Fuck that. I let myself think he was different than other guys. That he wasn't one of those guys who just wants to fuck a different girl every night. That I wasn't gonna be just another number yet again. If you're just lookin' for a fuck buddy, that's cool... but don't lead me on. Don't call/text me and tell me you miss me all the time. Don't say you wanna see me again if you don't. I hate liars. 


We fucked. It's cool. No big. But then nothing. Spent the whole night talking, AFTER having sex... when he didn't need to prove anything to me or try to impress me... and then nothing. No text, no call. Nothing. It's been...like... 5 days or something. That's cool. What the fuck? Asshole. All I have to say at this point is you better be glad I'm flexible cause not every girl can do that shit.


The worst part. If he ever does talk to me again about whatever... is I still kinda like him and think other than the whole not getting in touch with me thing that he's a really great guy. I thought we actually connected. I thought there was something there. I opened up to him. I don't even know why. And he did with me too.


Just another reason not to believe my second tattoo. Apparently I'm only good for one thing. Whatever. Just gives me an excuse to fuck around. I know I act like a hard ass around people and pretend nothing ever gets to me, but you guys see the other side of it. I'm not really sad about this, I'm just pissed at the situation. But then again I tend to take my sadness out as anger... so maybe I am sad? I don't even know. It's coming out at anger. That's what I know.


I am human. I do have a soft side. 
So fuck you.

Snow snow snow...

I just walked back to my apartment from dress rehearsal in this god awful weather. Oh man. Interesting walk though. I'm not gonna say much right now, I'll update this post later cause I really wanna dance right now and choreograph. Anyway, another amazing video. This one kinda makes me forget about C (a little bit)... hot men and the lyrics... it's all good :) I am IN LOVE with 57 seconds <3

Okay, so it's morning now... we had a 2 hour delay, not that I was planning on going to my 9:30am class anyway. So I have a dance class 3:30-5 and then call for the show is at 6pm. I'll just hang out there. 

Oy, and I have a pimple on the inside of my nose... oh. my. god. Hurts like a BITCH! Even just moving my nose, like if I wiggle it... ow!


I'm happy I didn't get sick (yet) I'm gonna take some more vitamin C, I was popping them last night when I got back. Walking back was rough. It was me and one of the other dance majors, P. Wow, well.. I got brain freeze, almost fell, got stuck in the snow (this always happens though), we were in the middle of the street and had no idea, then the snow was up past my knees so we HAD to walk in the tire tracks in the street because nothing was plowed. And the snow hurt too! We just screamed and made awkward noises the whole way back. I can't really see what it looks like out now cause I have a view of a brick wall and that's it. Kind of sucks, but I love everything else about my apartment.


I think I'm gonna stay here next year too... Yeah, I am. 


Oh and Friday night, C sent me a picture of his daughter... she's a cutie. I also talked to the guy that did my tattoo to see if he'd be around next weekend for my next one and he was like "for u of course babe" and then he sent a heart. I love this guy! I love bein called babe, and cutie, which he has also said to me. I would so much rather be the cute, adorable girl than be hot or sexy. Maybe on night if I'm going out I wouldn't mind hot or sexy... but in general... I like to be cute. I think that I have a cute personality to go with it. Plus I'm a goofball... and I love being a goofball. I love when guys are goofy too (hence why I love 57second in the video). 


I don't have much to say, just a little rambling. It's all good... things are going alright.I just woke up, so yeah. I should try to get some tanning in today but I really don't wanna use my own money because all I have is like $30 and I need more than that for my tattoo... I'm thinking like, $60? Damn... gotta double that shit. I was counting on at least getting paid for some of the pilates classes I'm teaching but I won't get paid right away. Oy. That was gonna be my tanning money ($15 a class... this term I would only get paid for one of my two classes so $15 a week). Damn.


Hope you're all well!

It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay.

Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget.  Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.


Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.


And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.


Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.


Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4  month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?


Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly. 


But like I said, C is gone. 


So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left. 


Then he wasn't around  anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.


Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.


So, how'd C make me cry?


Oh God... here I go.
I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life. 


Here we go:
(By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)


Him: hey
Me: heyy what's goin on
Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to
Me: just at rehearsals all day
Him: So y r u texting me crazy
Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre
Him: That cant be too comfy
Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :)
Him: Hows school goin
Me: eh... its goin


(Here's where it starts)


Him: Still no boyfriend?
Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon
Him: Lol y not
Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me 
Him: I wanted to put up with u
Me: ?
Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you.
Me: exactly, you had to leave
Him: And what does that mean
Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too.
Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.


When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...


Him: So u were sad when I had to leave?
Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed
Him: Y
Me: because i liked it when you were around
Him: Y =P
Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's
Him: Lol I kno, but y
Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust
Him: Wow, what made u feel that
Me: i dunno
Him: Well that's good to kno
Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend?
Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me
Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard
Me: what attitude?
Him: The attitude that no one would like u
Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that
Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together
Me: why are we having this conversation now?
Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself
Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno
Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are?
Me: im not
Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r.
Me: im not pretty. im not anything.
Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that.
Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing
Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time.
Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much.
Him: Y do u hate urself
Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have.
Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it?
Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything.
Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time?
Me: why would that matter?
Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea
Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up.
Him: Well u can always fix that
Me: how?
Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself.
Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that.
Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out.
Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better
Him: Have u even tried?
Me: yes... but nothing ever works
Me: can i tell you something?
Him: Of course
Me: im scared
Him: Of wat
Me: of myself
Him: Wat do you mean?
Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff
Him: Y dont u see a psychologist
Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear.
Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing
Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them.
Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle.
Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now
Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want
Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do
Me: im sorry by the way
Him: For wat
Me: for being such a psychotic mess
Him: Stop. I dont see u that way
Me: well that makes one of us :)
Me: you kno, i still miss you
Him: Don't miss me too much


I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do. 


I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.


Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told  me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.


After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point. 


I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself. 


I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again. 


I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness.  I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.


My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. 
That's it.


You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.