That's me...

It's the little things in life that really shape who we are and make us so special. For me, a lot of people will never see that side of me... they don't give me a chance to ever show them. And you know what? It's there loss. Really.






Here are some of the texts that I sent out yesterday to people who really know me....

-dropping out of school to be a rapper

-even with my headphones i'm very self conscious of the fact that my right sneaker always squeaks

-just circled a mailbox and proceeded to walk down the street cause i couldn't figure it out

-i think i'm the only person whose every experienced almost being flown into by a bird

If anything.... I defiantly can say that I'm one of a kind. I think I'm really ready to begin getting better. I'm  by putting an end to the cutting, for good. I haven't cut in about a week and a half or so... whenever that last post about it was. I made a video to the song Still Alive by Steve Means of me and J and it has video clips and pictures from our road trip and other random times. I really want to be able to take pictures again, and videos, and do stupid funny shit. I want to be me again and life my life. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm really gonna work on being happy... more than ever. I need to. 


I don't actually have much to say right now... but yeah... I've been making a lot of music mixes and videos... and videos to my own music mixes. All I'm doing today is going tanning, getting some gym time in, and then I have pilates for about 2 hours. So yeah... I'm gonna go start getting ready now and head out.

It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay.

Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget.  Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.


Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.


And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.


Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.


Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4  month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?


Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly. 


But like I said, C is gone. 


So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left. 


Then he wasn't around  anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.


Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.


So, how'd C make me cry?


Oh God... here I go.
I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life. 


Here we go:
(By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)


Him: hey
Me: heyy what's goin on
Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to
Me: just at rehearsals all day
Him: So y r u texting me crazy
Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre
Him: That cant be too comfy
Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :)
Him: Hows school goin
Me: eh... its goin


(Here's where it starts)


Him: Still no boyfriend?
Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon
Him: Lol y not
Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me 
Him: I wanted to put up with u
Me: ?
Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you.
Me: exactly, you had to leave
Him: And what does that mean
Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too.
Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.


When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...


Him: So u were sad when I had to leave?
Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed
Him: Y
Me: because i liked it when you were around
Him: Y =P
Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's
Him: Lol I kno, but y
Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust
Him: Wow, what made u feel that
Me: i dunno
Him: Well that's good to kno
Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend?
Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me
Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard
Me: what attitude?
Him: The attitude that no one would like u
Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that
Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together
Me: why are we having this conversation now?
Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself
Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno
Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are?
Me: im not
Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r.
Me: im not pretty. im not anything.
Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that.
Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing
Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time.
Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much.
Him: Y do u hate urself
Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have.
Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it?
Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything.
Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time?
Me: why would that matter?
Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea
Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up.
Him: Well u can always fix that
Me: how?
Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself.
Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that.
Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out.
Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better
Him: Have u even tried?
Me: yes... but nothing ever works
Me: can i tell you something?
Him: Of course
Me: im scared
Him: Of wat
Me: of myself
Him: Wat do you mean?
Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff
Him: Y dont u see a psychologist
Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear.
Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing
Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them.
Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle.
Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now
Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want
Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do
Me: im sorry by the way
Him: For wat
Me: for being such a psychotic mess
Him: Stop. I dont see u that way
Me: well that makes one of us :)
Me: you kno, i still miss you
Him: Don't miss me too much


I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do. 


I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.


Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told  me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.


After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point. 


I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself. 


I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again. 


I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness.  I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.


My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. 
That's it.


You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 


I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 


The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.


Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 


Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.


I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.


So much for a better New Year. 


I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):


Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.
Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them
Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.
Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.


(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)


Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3

Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own