"Now is right on time."

Oh, hey summer!!

                                      

I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

Finding the beauty where there's only ugly.

I loved seeing all of the positive comments on my last post and I love to hear if I made you smile and such :) 


Sooo here's what I'm thinking of doing, and I have Unbeautiful to thank in part for this because of her new take on being positive in posts. So I will post about whatever it is I wanted to post about, good or bad... but at the end I will always try to leave something a little inspirational, whether it be through images, music, or whatever. I know I already have some lengthy posts so this will be adding a whole other layer to them, but I like the idea of always ending on a positive note.


Now, I can not guarantee that this will always happen, but I'm gonna try :)


So anyway, the boy text me Saturday night to tell me he missed me. That was basically as far as the conversation ever went. I don't really know what to make of this whole situation anymore.

J is finally talking to me again, about real things, which is good because she needs someone. It's not okay to hold all of that in all the time and keep so many secrets. I really do wish she wasn't going through what she's going through but it's relieving to know she can still come to me about important issues.


I'm still lovin' my new piercing! Having some trouble as far as cleaning it just because I can't seem to get all the way around it because I apparently have small ears (fun fact: the piercing finally made me realize that I don't have the huge ears I always thought I have). Anyone know a lot about piercings or have their rook pierced that has any advice on that? 


The weather is beginning to be gorgeous! Yay! I love it! I will try to spend some more time outside as it begins to get nicer out. I could use a storm right about now, but I won't complain about it being nice out :)


I also wanted to go tanning today, but I don't know how long I should wait with the piercing, and it's kind of an odd spot to cover up so I'm not sure how to just cover my ear when I go... but I haven't gone since last Monday and I'm really feeling the affects of it. I won't be able to go again now until Friday anyway, hopefully my color doesn't fade too too much by then and my ear is healed enough. I know people say it's bad for you and whatever but it just makes me feel better. It is a relaxing process for me and I also just feel like I look better with a tan, therefore making me feel just a little bit better overall. Anything to boost me mood a little, and I will do it. I still don't feel tan at all even though everyone keeps telling me I am, I'm used to being very dark so I still feel pale... but this is just a start.


I really feel as though I'm rambling now as I wait to leave for my dance class, which I could probably get ready for now, but I hope you enjoy more of the pictures. I like the visuals, I think they make things more interesting and pleasing to look at. Too many words all the time can be somewhat stressful :)

BLACKLIGHT PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I'm throwing a blacklight party in a few weeks with glowing drinks, a stobe light, and lots of dancing to loud music. I have blacklight posters and things so random stuff in my tiny little apartment glow. It's great! I splattered smiley face balloons with glow paint. I just wish I could hang them or something.

Yeah so I had my own little blacklight dance party by myself one night and went a little paint happy. I hung this over the bathroom door. Haha, I always say 'rawr'... it makes me intimidating :)

Wooo balloons! Ha. I'm such a child. I love it though. For the most part I've been in a really good mood the last two weeks. Hopefully it'll last. I'm basically gonna be cramming as many people in my apartment as possible (hopefully a lot of people show up). I made some rules and an official poster, with glow paint, and hung it above my closet door right near the blacklight so everyone can see! Haha :)

Morning my beauties :)

Woke up at 7am... I have a 9am class... looked out the window, and my exact thoughts were "HELL NO!" Fucking snow, haha. So, now it's almost 10... I'm sitting in my PJs munching on a few whole grain goldfishies... all I plan to have today. I have 2 dance classes, 2 hours of pilates, company warmup, and dress rehearsal. I should shower. 


THIS MADE MY MORNING. Absolute BEST way to start the day. I recorded part of it on my phone and sent it out to a few of my friends. I am going to watch this every morning. I have it on repeat now. Oh my god! Amazing. Why in the hell have I never seen this before?!?



I kind of want to oil myself up put on a bikini and dance now. And if I was skinny, I'd already be ALL OVER that shit! Haha, wow... I'm a freak :) I don't care. I kind of love me. Well, who I can be. Damn, I'm in a good mood. See what hot guys that can move their bodies can do to a person?


I won't be done until 11 the earliest but probably closer to midnight... later actually. Ouch. I do really need to stop skipping classes though. But damn this snow! Fuck that.


I'm in a decent mood, sorry for my potty mouth. What can I say? I curse on a daily basis, sometimes like a sailor. People think it's funny sometimes the things that come out of my mouth... apparently I'm the quiet, innocent one. Fuck that. Wow, that's like my thing... I just realized how much I say that. I should really stop. I always hold it in around kids though, I'm real good about that. 


So how is everyone's morning going? I think I can start mine off with a little more inspiration... not that the video wasn't inspiration enough!

~~

Update - So I just got out of my first dance class for the day. I realized that I like not being perfect. I mean, I guess I kinda new that already because when my life was 'perfect' to me, there were still things wrong but I was okay with them which is why I was happier. But I was in class and my hair was a mess and I was kind of a mess but I loved it. It is an unbrushed mess on the top of my head! I loved having my hair in my face and all over the place... not in a perfect ponytail but having bumps... not 100% straight but with some curls here and there from the snow wetting it. I was LOVING it! Wow. Today is pretty decent. I like this. I mean, I'm know I'm still not happy... but today I kind of am. Today I'm dealing a little better, accepting a little more... today I'm trying to just be me, whoever that is .

Also, I did have a protein bar after modern and before hip hop, pilates, warm-up/dress rehearsal.

I just want to be happy...

I wish I could be okay. Is happiness really too much to ask for? The way I see it... I have three options in life.

1) be thin and happy

2) be a "healthy" weight/fat and miserable

3) not be at all

The first option is my favorite. The third seems the most logical at this point. If I live in #2 any longer I'm not gonna have a choice but to end it. Either way, it's like a scale. I can go one of two ways from where I am now. Problem is I've been here so long, the best option seems like it could never be reached.


I am sorry to all of my followers for my long, ranty, depressing posts... especially lately. And to those who always comment (you know who you are)... thank you. So much.

No Words :)

Can't Sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.

I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything. 


Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people. 


I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself. 


I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy. 

I want to be happy. 
Is that really too much to ask?

Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own