Why?

I found this when I was going through my notepad the other night. This must be from January/February it wasn't dated like the rest of my pages though (unless I wrote a few that night and just didn't date every one, who knows). So I guess I thought this was fitting since it's show weekend. Also, Jordan, to answer your question... I was in a dance performance.

Also, just as a sidenote... I do have an appointment at the counseling center Monday 4-5 with the guy that I wanted. I think that I am going to talk to him mostly about the whole finishing senior year online because of emotional/physical/mental reasons and see what he can do about that. If I like him and he thinks I need it (who wouldn't) maybe I'll go back and talk to him again, but I'll be home more than at school so I could just start counseling at home. We'll see.

My bed is calling my name.
Goodnight loves <3

Backstreet Boys

So, I briefly told my mom about the J thing today when we were talking on the phone. I didn't go into details, and I won't but anyway she said we can talk more about it on Saturday when I see her. I told her I have no one to go to the concert with now and she said she would come with me, which I think will probably be what happens... but I would rather go with a friend because it's just a different experience. 


I don't sing in front of my parents. I don't dance in front of them (not including on stage). So... yeah, it's just... I dunno. And I told her that.


I also figured out why I've been having wrist issues my whole life and why they've progressively getting worse. I have a cyst on the top of my left wrist. Can't move it.


Regardless, tonight was opening night.


I have an early show tomorrow that the class I taught is performing in as well as myself, and then our evening show.


Saturday is closing night. My parents always come on the last night.


I don't think they're staying over. Actually, I know they aren't. I kind of wish they were.
But I'll be home next Thursday night. 


That's really all. I'm in kind of a blah mood. My body is tired, sore, tight. I can't move my wrist. I need to stabilize and ice (for a few weeks apparently) and hopefully it isn't something that will require surgery. 


Goodnight loves.

Anorexia is a MENTAL disorder!I

First off let me tell you guys that I know have a sinus infection and 12 straight hours of dance each day this weekend. I get sinus infections very easily and they are extremely bad. I have a deviated septum, so even just a head cold puts me out. Anyway, my allergist gives me antibiotics for sinus infections so that I have them if I need them RIGHT AWAY when I'm at school. 


I have two kinds, one is a steroid (I'm not taking that one right now) but I was looking online to see what the difference is, side effects, how quickly it works, ect... because I need to be dancing/performing/rehearsing/choreographing/FUCK MY LIFE. 


So I'm on Cefuroxime Axetil. Nasty shit. Let me tell you, if you don't get that big ass pill down first go, you're in trouble. Gag... so anyway. Side effects?


HOW DOES A FUCKING ANTIBIOTIC CAUSE ANOREXIA?!?


Loss of appetite. Sure. But a fucking mental disorder? No. 


I was born with fucking body image problems. When I was 6 years old I used to scratch myself where I wanted to cut all the fat off. I'm convinced that the wiring in my brain is totally FUCKED UP.


Taking a step back and thinking about it.... I guess drugs do mess with your brain too. Okay. I get that. But you only take this shit for 10 days... none of the other side effects last, I don't see why this one would.


I dunno. I just read it and freaked out.


I'm in so much fucking pain right now.


I could go on... but honestly... I can't move my shoulders up. I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out of bed in the morning. I won't be able to lift my damn head off the pillow. It's happened before. Plus I can't breathe for shit. And I can't stop coughing. Great. My life is AWESOME!


Goodnight.

Bored bored bored....

So first thing is based off a lot of comments I've been getting and I just want to clear something up. I do still dance. I am a dance major. But dancing at my college is nothing like the dance I used to do at my studio, there's no competitions, it's not as much dancing, it's not as intense dancing, it's not with my family that I had been dancing with since I was only 6 years old, it's not the same. I dance as much as humanly possible, I may not even graduate on time because I take so many dance technique classes and put off all of my "academic" classes. 


I can go on about that for days but that's not really why I was posting.


I don't really have any major reason actually. I got a new phone! So excited! I got the iPhone. My ringtone quacks! It's amazing!!! And of course the first thing I did was sync some music up to it and set up the ipod/nike app and download more apps for nutrition/fitness/calorie counters and ect. 


I absolutely suck at painting my nails. But I already knew that :)


And on a more serious note, being home is boring as all hell. I usually spend majority of my time with J. I broke down and apologized last night. Doesn't matter who started it or who was in the wrong, leave it long enough and I will always find a way to blame myself... even without her help of telling me what a shitty friend I am. Hell, I could find a way to blame world hunger or global warming on myself if you let me. So anyway, I figure, while I'm home, and still not 100% blaming myself for what happened, I  might as well step up and be the bigger person. Again. Her response was a little... not what I was expecting. My apologizing did get her to realize that she had overreacted and that "we both made some wrong decisions". So I guess that's good... but here's what got me... she said she will think things through, she just needs a little more time. 


Really? I just didn't respond. I'll give her her time. When she's ready I guess she'll text me or send me a message or whatever. But I'm only here for one week. One long... boring week. It's whatever I guess. I'm just tryin not to worry about it and let things play out but at the same time, when I'm home and bored, it kills me cause normally I would be on a late night beach trip with her or doing some crazy ass shit til god knows when in the morning. 


It's just whatever. I did get to skype with S for like two hours today though which is always great. We spend half our conversations trying to convince the other to come visit us. Haha. It's all good though. I will get to Italy before grad school... the summer before grad school I am defiantly going if I haven't been already. 


And if anyone watches Pretty Little Liars, I just finished the season finale, and OMG! So intense! Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry my posts are always so long, especially lately. 


Oh! And I got an app for my iPhone that has inspirational quotes. I love it <3


Take care!!

Good Morning!!

So I basically have insomnia most of the time. I have such a hard time falling asleep/staying asleep. I get like 2-4 hours a night, 6 if I'm lucky. Any more than 6 I feel like I've overslept and will be tired. But then... every couple of months there is one week where I go into what I call coma mode. That's where I currently am.


It does usually happen when I'm home which is perfect because I don't have to worry about missing classes and such. But I basically just sleep 24/7. I don't mind it so much, I know that I need to catch up.


So yesterday, I went to the Borders by me because they are going out of business. Everything is on sale so I got a bunch of stuff. I got two books on autism and working with kids living with autism, a pilates book with photos of Joseph Pilates himself, Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia (so so interesting so far), and a few calorie counter/protein counter pocket books. 


I'm such a dork sometimes, Whispers is actually pretty scientific and talks a lot about parts of the brain and chemicals in the brain... I swear if I was smarter I would take more neuropsychology classes. It's so interesting to me.


Which reminds me! I also got GED for Dummies so I can start studying and make sure I get into the graduate school I want since I really don't want to continue at the school I'm currently at even though they're holding a spot for me. So anyway I get it and show my dad I have it so I can start studying and everyone knows I need a lot of help with it so it's just funny that it's the one for dummies. What's even funnier? I need to study for the GRE... I'm already done with high school there's no reason to take the GEDs. And... since the store is going out of business, I can't return it. Oops! 

I'll go back today and pick up the right one... or tomorrow. I want to look at more book books, to like relax and read on my longish weekends and days off in the nice warm weather. I had an arm full of books after going through the health/medical and psychology sections that I didn't even want to be bothered with looking around the rest of the store.


I miss being home. It just reminds me of high school. I mean... I hated high school all except for dance. But just the small of the house and waking up walking down the stairs for my coffee... there are things from my past I want back, and I just feel so much closer to them here. I feel  more connected to them. I feel more in control. I don't think I ever knew I had such a problem with change until I went to college.


And most times when I'm home, I love it, but try to be out of the house as much as possible. Not so much this week. I don't mind being here. At night though I wish I had something to do. But it's fine. Maybe I'll make a fire in the backward one night. It's not like I ever went anywhere other than dance, dance competitions, or dance workshops when I was in highschool. I didn't hang out with any "friends". Occasionally on the weekends with J but that's about it. I spent a lot of time with my parents. I kind of had those people, and this is still the case, where we're friends in school but then I have no one to hang out with outside of class and stuff. It's whatever at this point. 


I wouldn't change the fact that I was always dancing in highschool for anything. Waking up at 4am to shower, do my hair and makeup, and drive to a competition an hour or so away. Oh my god. I loved the early morning ones! It would still be dark out, no one on the road. And then we wouldn't even leave until 11pm to come home. I miss competing. I really do. I miss rehearing for competition. I'm going to stop there. I miss dance and my dance studio... that's all. Everyone knows that already. 








And this post turned out longer than I expected. I'm going to have a few more sips of coffee, get a quick work out in, and jump in the shower. 

In the middle of putting in pictures... my 2 year old cousin's looking for me... gotta run! 

Just Because

So, I'm home.... as in with the parents. This is my "spring break". I'll be here for a week-10 days. I got a few free trial guest passes at the local gyms so I can go in and work out/take fitness classes for free. That's in addition to the equipment we have in the basement.


I'm finally going to take Zumba! Haha, I've always wanted to but could never fit it in my schedule. I'm going tomorrow morning 9:30-11. I'm actually going to sleep right after this post since I am extremely sleep deprived at the moment. 


I feel super white also, so I'm gonna need to get some cash for tanning. I could really go for a frosted bed tan. Even everything out, get some color on my face.


I'm going to make the best of being home despite the fact J once again hates me. I'm starting to feel like she's looking for reasons to start fights. But whatever, I'm not going to let it phase me. I don't need her or anyone else.


I think I'm going to keep this short since my last post was about a mile long. I'll try to keep updating throughout the week and then once I'm back at school and working! I'm excited but nervous for the fact I only have dance classes twice a week. That is just not acceptable for me. I'm gonna have to work something out and get some extra classes in somehow.


Well anyway, that's it for now. I hope you're all doing well :)

[[I tried to add photos but they won't let me, I'll get them to you tomorrow or sometime this week!]]

Chin Up

Whaddup 5:30am!!


I think that I can safely say I have insomnia at this point in my life. So I've decided I'm going to make more videos of just me talking. I think I might make one tomorrow, possibly with that whole "series of unfortunate events" that I keep putting off. But anyway, until then... I made this video a few hours ago. I was just watching old dance videos and yeah... I really do miss my dance studio. I miss everything about it. I miss dancing like that, I miss dancing that much. I miss it all. It was my home. I pretty much lived at the studio and that was who I was. 

I was the girl that was always at the dance studio. 

I assisted all of the children's classes. 

I was always there taking class. 

I did pilates downstairs 7 days a week. 

I was in charge of everything for competition. 

I was always in the office doing homework or stuff for the studio or stuff for competition. 

If anyone ever needed me, they knew exactly where to find me. Everyone knew me there... all of the kids loved me. And I loved them. 

But I'm not that girl anymore. 

I'm 21 years old and I'm in college. 

I'm a nothing now. 

Anyway... I made this video because dance is the reason I'm here, dance is the reason I can get myself to smile, dance is my everything... it's what keeps me going. It's why I'm still fighting. I really don't know if any of this is gonna make sense to any of you but... yeah... that's all I have to say for now.

BLACKLIGHT PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I'm throwing a blacklight party in a few weeks with glowing drinks, a stobe light, and lots of dancing to loud music. I have blacklight posters and things so random stuff in my tiny little apartment glow. It's great! I splattered smiley face balloons with glow paint. I just wish I could hang them or something.

Yeah so I had my own little blacklight dance party by myself one night and went a little paint happy. I hung this over the bathroom door. Haha, I always say 'rawr'... it makes me intimidating :)

Wooo balloons! Ha. I'm such a child. I love it though. For the most part I've been in a really good mood the last two weeks. Hopefully it'll last. I'm basically gonna be cramming as many people in my apartment as possible (hopefully a lot of people show up). I made some rules and an official poster, with glow paint, and hung it above my closet door right near the blacklight so everyone can see! Haha :)

Snow snow snow...

I just walked back to my apartment from dress rehearsal in this god awful weather. Oh man. Interesting walk though. I'm not gonna say much right now, I'll update this post later cause I really wanna dance right now and choreograph. Anyway, another amazing video. This one kinda makes me forget about C (a little bit)... hot men and the lyrics... it's all good :) I am IN LOVE with 57 seconds <3

Okay, so it's morning now... we had a 2 hour delay, not that I was planning on going to my 9:30am class anyway. So I have a dance class 3:30-5 and then call for the show is at 6pm. I'll just hang out there. 

Oy, and I have a pimple on the inside of my nose... oh. my. god. Hurts like a BITCH! Even just moving my nose, like if I wiggle it... ow!


I'm happy I didn't get sick (yet) I'm gonna take some more vitamin C, I was popping them last night when I got back. Walking back was rough. It was me and one of the other dance majors, P. Wow, well.. I got brain freeze, almost fell, got stuck in the snow (this always happens though), we were in the middle of the street and had no idea, then the snow was up past my knees so we HAD to walk in the tire tracks in the street because nothing was plowed. And the snow hurt too! We just screamed and made awkward noises the whole way back. I can't really see what it looks like out now cause I have a view of a brick wall and that's it. Kind of sucks, but I love everything else about my apartment.


I think I'm gonna stay here next year too... Yeah, I am. 


Oh and Friday night, C sent me a picture of his daughter... she's a cutie. I also talked to the guy that did my tattoo to see if he'd be around next weekend for my next one and he was like "for u of course babe" and then he sent a heart. I love this guy! I love bein called babe, and cutie, which he has also said to me. I would so much rather be the cute, adorable girl than be hot or sexy. Maybe on night if I'm going out I wouldn't mind hot or sexy... but in general... I like to be cute. I think that I have a cute personality to go with it. Plus I'm a goofball... and I love being a goofball. I love when guys are goofy too (hence why I love 57second in the video). 


I don't have much to say, just a little rambling. It's all good... things are going alright.I just woke up, so yeah. I should try to get some tanning in today but I really don't wanna use my own money because all I have is like $30 and I need more than that for my tattoo... I'm thinking like, $60? Damn... gotta double that shit. I was counting on at least getting paid for some of the pilates classes I'm teaching but I won't get paid right away. Oy. That was gonna be my tanning money ($15 a class... this term I would only get paid for one of my two classes so $15 a week). Damn.


Hope you're all well!

Morning my beauties :)

Woke up at 7am... I have a 9am class... looked out the window, and my exact thoughts were "HELL NO!" Fucking snow, haha. So, now it's almost 10... I'm sitting in my PJs munching on a few whole grain goldfishies... all I plan to have today. I have 2 dance classes, 2 hours of pilates, company warmup, and dress rehearsal. I should shower. 


THIS MADE MY MORNING. Absolute BEST way to start the day. I recorded part of it on my phone and sent it out to a few of my friends. I am going to watch this every morning. I have it on repeat now. Oh my god! Amazing. Why in the hell have I never seen this before?!?



I kind of want to oil myself up put on a bikini and dance now. And if I was skinny, I'd already be ALL OVER that shit! Haha, wow... I'm a freak :) I don't care. I kind of love me. Well, who I can be. Damn, I'm in a good mood. See what hot guys that can move their bodies can do to a person?


I won't be done until 11 the earliest but probably closer to midnight... later actually. Ouch. I do really need to stop skipping classes though. But damn this snow! Fuck that.


I'm in a decent mood, sorry for my potty mouth. What can I say? I curse on a daily basis, sometimes like a sailor. People think it's funny sometimes the things that come out of my mouth... apparently I'm the quiet, innocent one. Fuck that. Wow, that's like my thing... I just realized how much I say that. I should really stop. I always hold it in around kids though, I'm real good about that. 


So how is everyone's morning going? I think I can start mine off with a little more inspiration... not that the video wasn't inspiration enough!

~~

Update - So I just got out of my first dance class for the day. I realized that I like not being perfect. I mean, I guess I kinda new that already because when my life was 'perfect' to me, there were still things wrong but I was okay with them which is why I was happier. But I was in class and my hair was a mess and I was kind of a mess but I loved it. It is an unbrushed mess on the top of my head! I loved having my hair in my face and all over the place... not in a perfect ponytail but having bumps... not 100% straight but with some curls here and there from the snow wetting it. I was LOVING it! Wow. Today is pretty decent. I like this. I mean, I'm know I'm still not happy... but today I kind of am. Today I'm dealing a little better, accepting a little more... today I'm trying to just be me, whoever that is .

Also, I did have a protein bar after modern and before hip hop, pilates, warm-up/dress rehearsal.

Youtube....

So I'm probably going to put my link up for my youtube for you guys... or just start putting pictures up here. I don't like the idea of pictures of me being around the things that I say... just in case, but oh well. I might just delete my youtube account and put my videos up here because I can't make that private so most of my videos are unlisted. I try to make happy and inspirational videos but then with that comes with all of the depressing ones. Just like this blog. I try to be upbeat, but it's just been so difficult lately. I apologize for that, really. I do want to share my videos with you guys though because I make a lot of them. I don't save them because they take up space and if anyone else is ever on my computer... yeahh, haha. So I just upload them to youtube. Yes, all of the videos I have posted on here were made by me. I have some in random entries and I also have videos some of my pages. The Alexz Johnson one isn't mine, I just wanted to share the song with you guys. And the lyric videos on my songs aren't mine. Although the song video on that page is, and I also mixed that song mash-up or whatever myself. 


Yeahh, so anyway, my youtube account is Nikki94xx. If you go to my channel you can see most of the videos and then anything with me actually is it should be unlisted. A lot of my videos are EXTREMELY triggering. Please be careful. You can tell by the thumbnails/titles which one's are happy and which ones may not be so happy. Some of them say **TRIGGERING** in the description but I gave up on that and now just have a general warning about all of my videos possibly being triggering.



I use a lot of older pictures and a lot of my videos are about when I was at my lowest weight... but this one is actually pretty damn current... like, really current. And it stays that way for most of it. It's pictures from before my tattoo but after my pink hair so a lot of holiday season pictures. I don't actually think I have any really old ones in here but that's fine. I started this one a while ago and just did the finishing touches tonight.


I'm in a decent mood considering my week and the pain that I'm currently in. I think I'm just kinda numb mentally though which is really why I'm okay or whatever. I've been exhausted lately, like really really tired. So I have to be up and at the recording studio by 8am to get some stuff recorded for my dance piece... then I really wanted to go to the zumba party at the gym from 10:30-12 but I doubt that'll happen. We'll see how I'm doing sleepynesswise. Yes, I make up my own words. 


Then I have rehearsal 1-2, 2-3, 3-4. We always run late, which could be a problem... My 1-2 is a dance that I am in, we are rehearsing on the stage. Then 2-3 I have my piece in the studio, those rehearsals will be on time. If we're running over I'll be late for my own rehearsal and it's our last one, our only one with the new text recording that we'll be doing that morning, and we have a lot a lot to get done. I need to clean the dance and talk about emotion and oh my god it's really a lot. I also have rehearsal Sunday 1-2 and 3-4. Then tech is on Monday and Tuesday, dress rehearsal on Wednsday, and we open on Thursday. Our show is 3 nights (Thurs, Fri, Sat) but the freshman show (that my piece is in) has dress rehearsal on Friday afternoon and then is on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. I have to be there for all of them. 


Five shows. 
One weekend. 
Ouch.


Okay, I'm just rambling now :) 

I'm Alive....

Still wish I wasn't. But I'm here. I thought you guys had the right to know after my last little freak out. I'm not doin too hot today. Exhausted. Really, exhausted. I have to be up soon. Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I haven't even been able to get to the gym, and I don't have money for tanning. Wow. My life sucks. Is this really how I define my life? I dunno. 


What I do know is I never understand how people think grades and whatever are so series. Like, one of my teachers was pissed at me for not checking my e-mail and made this big deal over nothing. Really? Is checking my e-mail really the  most important thing in my life right now? I physically can not move (yet I'm still dancing). And I've been spending the day trying to make sure my friend from home doesn't end up in the hospital because of her douche of an ex-boyfriend. Yeah, let me go check my fucking e-mail. Sorry I haven't been able to get to that.


It just pisses me off that some people in the world think all this shit is so important, but really, is it? We were talking about adolescents in my pediatric psychology class and how they see maybe a day into the future whereas we see much further... Personally, I don't look that far into the future, but at the same time I don't stress over the stupid little stuff. I mean I do, but not to the point of life or death situations. Really, all I'm trying to do in my life right now is stay alive. And it's hard, because I don't fucking want to be alive. I'm just hanging onto this false hope that things will get better. 


I just feel fat and disgusting and I fucking hate that the way I look or feel like I look defines my mood. I hate that something so minor controls me and consumes my life. I feel so fucking selfish all the time! 


Oh, yeah, so the dancing... I have a bad back to begin with to the point that just laying down is painful for me (I'm convinced my huge ass plays a role in this) and I have an old hip injury that makes it painful to even sit down. So the back is always acting up, the hip does now and then but it's been about 3 years so nothing as bad as when I first injured it...and it doesn't hurt right away when I sit, it takes some time. But yeah, I messed it up pretty bad again yesterday. So now, I can't sit, lay down, stand, walk, put weight on my left leg, anything. Fuck that shit. I figured it out though... the reason I can't stop dancing even when I'm hurt. I put it into words. I dance through the physical pain because I don't know how else to deal with the emotional pain.


Ughh, it's so cold in here. Boo. I don't wanna get up and turn the heat up. Sorry I'm totally just ranting right now. Typing keeps me busy. I feel like I have more to say. I don't know.


Oh, but here's an update. I'm going to be living in the same apartment next year... just me. All by my lonesome. Yupp. My friend hates that I live alone right now. Or did. I don't know, we haven't spoken in like 4 days. This is J by the way. It was whatever. I'm over it. I'm not gonna stress over this fucking shit anymore. I need to prioritize and get my life in order. 

I seriously just want to sleep. I want to be done with all this fucking shit. I want a fucking day off. Really? Is that too much to ask? I mean, and I'm honored that my piece from last concert is in our repetoire and one of the first ones to ever be reconstructed on the freshman dance company... but I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for all of this extra work and another day of rehearsals. I literally don't have one day off. Ever. Not even holidays. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of myself under such stressful conditions?

I've been thinking about dropping out of college. I have mixed feelings about it. I really just want to go home. I could be a dance teacher. Problem solved. I am excited for my internship... but 3 more years of this shit? And the last 2 I won't be getting as much dancing in as I need. I need a certain amount of dance in my life everyday just to fucking function. I hate it. Not dance. School. I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm going to be terrible at helping people. I don't even know if I want to do it. I'm going to fucking burn out. Like really early on.

I've burned out so many times in my life. I've crashed through rock bottom and kept falling so many times... I don't think I can do any of it again. I really don't. And I don't want to. But I'm not strong enough to hold my shit together anymore. Oh my god, like seriously? What the fuck am I going on about?? I don't even know. Ugh. I write a lot. I'm sorry. Ughh! I hate me.

Ughh, my life.

What have I become? Who am I? I just want to cry sometimes... to not pretend I'm so strong, but I really don't even know how any more. I can't cry. I can't feel. I'm so fucking numb. I want to feel... but I'm afraid it will be too much for me to handle. I can't deal with all that. I can't keep my eyes open. I'm fucking tired. I'm too fat. I ate. I ate too much. I shouldn't have ate. I hate me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't. I'm not. Fail. I am a fail. My life is a fail.


I'm really sorry. I'll stop boring you now.


Goodnight.

Never. Again.

Wow, so I don't even know where to start. I had three friends from home come visit me last night, I hadn't eaten a single thing all day. I got so so so wasted, throwing up, passed out, the whole nine yards. I wasn't hung over at all when I woke up, I was still a little drunk for a while though but other than that I was fine. I didn't even have coffee just a little coke zero for the caffeine headache. I also took 2 hydroxycut maxs, 1 green tea triple fat burner, and 2 expel... 


Needless to say, all of that on an empty stomach, I wasn't doin too hot. Luckily I got a ride to rehearsal, yes, I now had to dance... I seriously thought I was going to pass out or die or something. My sugar was so so low, I was nauseous, dizzy, shaking like crazy. It was bad. One of the girls is hypoglycemic so she always has snacks on her. She gave me a little baggy of baked goldfish and I had about 20 before rehearsal, very slowly... and then after rehearsal I made myself finish the baggy. It took me about 2 hours to do that. I just finished them off.


I have two more friends coming to visit me tonight... I will NOT let myself be that drunk again. Ugh, seriously, I was such a mess. I hate hate hate being like that. And I woke up knowing I should eat something but then saw pictures of myself and totally freaked. Everyone was offering to buy me food and I was just like 'no it's fine this happens from time to time'. No more pills today... maybe just some... no... I really shouldn't risk it. I have rehearsal for my piece in about an hour or so. I've just been hanging out in the theatre for the time in between.


I'm not sure what else to say right now. I'm alive though... so that's a plus. I really didn't think I was gonna make it this morning.