Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.

Peace.

xx

One day.

It just came out... and then I cried. 

One day... I'm going to love myself.

One day. Not today... but one day.

Trying to "fix" myself. Ew.

Second post of the day. I little more about how I'm actually doing, what I'm doing...


So. I feel, icky. Nothing new there. I need to clean my apartment (yes, I still haven't done it). I'm just sitting online and wondering... what has happened to imgfave?? I used to go there to get away from my ED, to be inspired. And now there's so much thinspo on there, it's ridiculous! 


And stupid me 'favorites' all of these pictures because a huge, huge part of me still wants to look like that. I still want that. But I want recovery. Or do I? I want a normal life. But not normal. Just... not with a disorder. "Normal is just a setting on a washing machine." It was in "Next to Nothing". I almost want to write my own book after reading that. Ha, me write a book.


But seriously, like if I edited some stuff out of my blog and added some stuff in, I could get it published. Nah. So I went to dance tonight. And after reading that book... every time something would pop into my head:
- A skinny girl walks by, "I hate her." 
- I see my fat ass, "Ew, I'm disgusting."


But I tried to not get too hung up on those things... "I don't hate her. My eating disorder hates her." "Maybe my ass isn't that fat (it is though) my eating disorder just tells me it is."


I do need to loose weight, and I can be safe and healthy at a lower weight. I just hate that so much of recovery focuses on gaining weight. Not all of us need to gain weight. But even the thought of loosing or doing anything to control food or weight is unheard of. I dunno. Everything's just scrambled up in my head running rampid. I catch bits and pieces of things. Part of my knows that I've fallen so hard so many times... and that there's a real good chance if it happens again, I'm not gettin back up.


Getting the recovery workbooks is going to be a process. I have to go into the store to order them online and then go back to pick them up. I hate that the shelves are full of books for if you know someone suffering from an eating disorder, but it is so hard to find something if you are the sufferer. You can find them online, but I have no way to pay online. So this is my only option. Ugh. I have four books on my list, should total to about $50 that I don't have. 


1) Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating

2) Regaining Your Self: Understanding and Conquering the Eating Disorder Identity

3) Telling ED No!

4) The Body Image Workbook

I'm not ready for professional help... though I am very sure I need it. And some time off school, no doubt. People actually come and and comment on how stressed the students here always are even compared to other college students and how because of our awkward schedule, lack of breaks (even for summer), and six month undergrad internships we seem to be extremely stressed. We have four terms a year, each one only 10 weeks, then a week for finals, and we get about a week off before starting the cycle all over again. Basically, each season is it's own term. Awesome, right? Not so much. Week 5 is midterms, but some professors have a midterm in week 4 and week 6 just to spread it out. We learn the same amount in one quarter that any other university learns in one semester. I'm not a smart kid. This is not okay.

I don't even know why I'm here. But enough of that. Oh. I have to start studying for the GRE's. Crap. Why am I doing this again? Oh well.. too much thinking.. don't like it.. gives me a tummy ache.  I'm kind of just rambling now. I just suddenly got tired and can't remember anything I was going to say. Go figure. I'll post again soon :)

Oh! But one thing I do remember... I don't know if I told you guys about Natalia. Natalia is my "inner critic", my eating disorder, my bad thoughts. She is PERFECT. She has the perfect body, perfect hair, is gorgeous and thin, looks good in anything and everything. Everyone loves her. She's a sweetheart. She's smart. Shes PERFECT. But she's a bitch to me. She's the one that says all of those nasty things that are running around in my head. And for some reason... I still look up to her, want to be her, want to make her proud. So yeah... that's Natalia.

I guess overall... even though I feel like total shit and hate everything about myself, the way I look, and the way I am... I am going to try to do something about it. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't happen right away. But I at least need to take these steps for myself before I can get myself into therapy. I also need to go to the town with the hopsital back home. I need to do that. I need to go there and breathe before anything else. Maybe after reading "Next to Nothing" it will somehow make that easier? I'll be there this weekend. And I am going to try again. I am going to keep trying... over and over... until I do it. Until I can be there and not hyperventilate or break down and cry.

Okay... so I'll go now. Yeah... haha. Goodnight... or morning, depending on where in the world you are <3

I have an eating disorder.

Today, I looked myself in the eye and told myself (although not out loud because this was mid dance rehearsal)
"I have an eating disorder."


I have a fucking eating disorder. I mean, that's kind of obvious. But I don't always want to/like to admit it. I deny it all the time. I know it's true. Sometimes I think it's not because it's not that serious. Okay, I shouldn't say that... eating disorders at any level are serious.


But anyway, today... I looked myself dead in the eye and admitted that to myself. 


Kinda freaked me out... but I guess REALLY admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?
Now I just have to stop.


Good luck.

She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

Can you really see through me now, I am about to go.

I have so many thoughts lately and I never know where to start.

My day. I'll start with my day. I woke up for work, allergies made me feel sick as hell. I only gave myself an hour to get ready so I'm tryin' not to puke while I get much stuff together and drive to work. I know I won't, I never do (unless I'm also on my period). But I wish I would. Just wake up every morning, vomit, and go on with my day. Because at least then I wouldn't feel super nauseous, ya know? Or if I could make myself do it, which I can't... I've tried several times. Just to get rid of the feeling. But then again we all know if I could do that I would spend most of my day over the toilet.


So work was good today, I really enjoyed the end of the day setting up a game for a client :) But lunch, awkwarrrrdddd... My supervisor asked me if I was hungry around 1-1:30ish and I said no but she was so she had her lunch with her husband while I hid in the office and pretended to do work, which I really don't have any to do yet. After that we went shopping for games and to get brochures printed and stuff. She's kind of all over the place sometimes so I don't think she even remembered I skipped lunch. I can't do that all the time, but I'm looking forward to having more work to actually do so I can say I'm not hungry and then just get shit done. 


Haha, when she came back from seeing a client I was huddled into a little ball in her office chair, hood up, skillet playing on pandora. I love to feel small. I need to feel small. It's comforting to me. So is the feeling of my own bones. When I get anxious, I can just feel my bones and it calms me down... if I can't feel the bones or they aren't prominent enough, I'm fucked.


I had rehearsal after work, and now I'm finally back. I've felt bloated and fat and huge and uncomfortable all day. I have a performance on Friday night. Fuck. I need my costume by tomorrow for tech., I need to figure it out tonight because I leave super early tomorrow and then am running straight to dance (late) because of work. Which means trying things on tonight. Fuck. In addition to showering... ughh. I literally can't change a t-shirt without closing my eyes. 

Now onto boy things. It's really fuckin buggin me. Still nothing. And everyone keeps telling me to text him, but I refuse to. I shouldn't have to. And even if I did, I know he would respond. He will always respond. But I don't want him to talk to me just cause he feels bad for me. He's just that kind of person. He loves everyone, he wants everyone to be happy. He wants to save everyone. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be pitied.


And as always, the more I think of something, the more I put the blame on myself. I'm not pretty enough. I wasn't as crazy as the last two times he met me. I'm too fat. I'm bad at sex. I told him too much. I'm a crazy psycho bitch diagnosed with anorexia/ednos who is covered in scars. I have the lowest self esteem I think I've ever seen. There isn't a single thing about myself I like. My personality sucks. I didn't talk enough. I'm too easy. I'm not a happy enough person overall. I don't dress cute. I wear too much makeup. I don't wear enough makeup. I could go on forever. 


I let my guard down. For some unknown reason, I let someone in. And now we haven't talked in a week. Everyone leaves me. Everyone. No one likes me. It's always been that way. Hell... I don't like me. 


I can't believe I let myself think he was any different from all the other guys. I think part of why it's buggin me is also cause I really do like him. I don't like guys that often. It fuckin sucks. 

My supervisor asked me something today that really made me think. She asked how I like to be acknowledged for doing a good job or whatever. Did I like flowers? Did I like to go out to lunch? Did I like (fill in the blank)? And I honestly couldn't answer. It's like I don't think I deserve any of that ever. I dunno. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I shouldn't be praised for it. Whatever.


I feel like there is so much more to say right now... but I just can't think... plus I think this is long enough.


Again, I want to thank you guys so so much for reading my nonsense. You're comments mean the world to me... they make me smile :) 

Chin Up

Whaddup 5:30am!!


I think that I can safely say I have insomnia at this point in my life. So I've decided I'm going to make more videos of just me talking. I think I might make one tomorrow, possibly with that whole "series of unfortunate events" that I keep putting off. But anyway, until then... I made this video a few hours ago. I was just watching old dance videos and yeah... I really do miss my dance studio. I miss everything about it. I miss dancing like that, I miss dancing that much. I miss it all. It was my home. I pretty much lived at the studio and that was who I was. 

I was the girl that was always at the dance studio. 

I assisted all of the children's classes. 

I was always there taking class. 

I did pilates downstairs 7 days a week. 

I was in charge of everything for competition. 

I was always in the office doing homework or stuff for the studio or stuff for competition. 

If anyone ever needed me, they knew exactly where to find me. Everyone knew me there... all of the kids loved me. And I loved them. 

But I'm not that girl anymore. 

I'm 21 years old and I'm in college. 

I'm a nothing now. 

Anyway... I made this video because dance is the reason I'm here, dance is the reason I can get myself to smile, dance is my everything... it's what keeps me going. It's why I'm still fighting. I really don't know if any of this is gonna make sense to any of you but... yeah... that's all I have to say for now.

Mellltdown

I don't really know what to say or where I'm going with this. I've been in the worst mood all week, skipping classes, trying to sleep, starring at the ceiling, skipping meals, drinking, contemplating the most effective way to kill myself... not really good things. I just stocked up on hydroxycut max, green tea triple fat burners, CVS brand dietetics, xpel,  and ex-lax. I need to get hoodia superthin because I'm out but I haven't had the time to get to GNC, I would have to walk a good 20-25minutes there and back in the cold. I also need to go pick up a few packs of nutratrim gum because I'm also out of that.

None of this shit works... promise me you'll never start taking diet pills, they really don't do a thing so it's just not worth it. I'm having trouble typing this right now because my hands are shaking so much. I tried to eat today, but not I'm just super upset by it and grossed out and really fucking hate myself. 

Weird thing, when my friend J has a bad night, I drop whatever it is buggin me to help her (if I can, I really do try)... but sometimes when I have a bad night, that's when she decides she's going to have one. I'm not saying it's all the time, and I'm sure a lot of it's just in my head... but whatever. Anyway, here and B are coming tomorrow... possibly this other girl too that we met like once. Well, B knows her cause he went to high school with her. So they'll be here when I get out of rehearsal and we're gonna have a little party, just us, in my apartment. I might invite another girl who I've known for years and her boyfriend to stop by or my friend S who was recently (as in yesterday) dumped so her plans for tomorrow are now nonexistant. I doubt anyone will even come by but whatever.

Then K and T, two of the most amazing friends ever, are coming Sunday night into Monday. I'm excited to see them. We're having a hair dye party, although I think K is the only one who has her dye (it had to be ordered online). Fingers crossed mine comes tomorrow!

So anyway, I know in my last post I talked about how no one would notice if I was gone (J apparently doesn't like the fact that I'm living alone because of this) and then I realized her and B are coming tomorrow... and I have rehearsal. I would need someone to take over my piece for me. I know who I would want to do it... but then I would have to leave a note asking already busy people to do things for me and that's not right. Although I'm kind of numb right now, it's when I get into those really bad moods were I just don't think that I'm afraid I may do something. Even though I think about it all the time, it's not like I would plan it... if it happens it happens. 

Then I told myself "you'll never kno what could be unless you stick around to find out"... I wouldn't know anything about my future. What if someone is actually interested in me (chuckle), what if I have kids one day,

what if I can be happy? And that stopped me from doing anything tonight... but then I realized that I didn't care.

I was thinking today, because we were talking about guys and boyfriends and I was so afraid my teacher was going to ask if I had a boyfriend because we had covered everyone else's guy situation. And I was in a shitty mood all day so I would've probably just said the truth which is; no, no guy can handle me and I wouldn't want them to.  I've kind of decided to leave it that was because I always feel bad for the situations I put people in and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. Not to mention I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, or close at all. But I really, really do with that I had a boyfriend who I could depend on... or someone who loved me. I dunno...

I think sometimes I make excuses for not going out, other than the "I'm fat, have nothing to wear, don't want anyone to see my ugly ass face excuse. I think that I don't want to be around guys or go out with guys because I'm afraid of the rejection. I mean, I already know I hate seeing people I haven't seen in a while and often avoid it because I just can't handle how they may react to the fact that I've gained weight. I don't want them to look at me, to see who I used to be, to see what I've become, to see my disguising body. I hate it all so much. There are people who that doesn't matter to, but it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter... because it matters to me. I'm not making much sense am I?

Anyway, here's a good (but extremely sad song... I guess depending on how you interpret it). I've had it on pretty much all day.