And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to update you guys for the past two weeks and everyday something new happens and it gets more and more overwhelming to have to type it all out... I'll just make a list and see what I can go into detail about.

• Started lamictal (take my last 25mg tomorrow and then move on to 50mg)
• Started talking/hanging out with J again... its like nothing's changed
• My dad's uncle died Monday... I didn't really know him well but still.
• MY friend K (have I talked about her before) have 3 tumors, one with cancer cells which may or may not be active... at this point she doesn't wanna do chemo.
• I'm on the anxiety medication... haven't taken more than 2 at a time so far
• Took some fat burners Tuesday (4) and 2 yesterday morning along with a bottle of smirnoff ice before 9am

So yeah... I really really need to get on here more and track my moods and things...

OH... forgot the almost killing myself part... yeah, I'm fine... I just really wanted to crash my car... parked down by a river for like over an hour... don't worry I'm fine.

SO sick right now though and I feel SUPER fat and huge and disgusting and I just wanna cut it all off.

Still wanting to withdraw from school...

Still making 'attempts' at purging but not getting very far...

STILL not recovered... from anything... go figure... I doubt I ever will, I should honestly just kill myself. But fuck.

Whatever... I'm fine... seriously gonna work on more updates... maybe once I withdraw from school I can make that happen.

xx

Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.

Peace.

xx

Opening Up...

So, I haven't been on to update you guys... but a week after my "intervention", I talked to one of my teachers. I just felt like I needed to tell someone about the fact that I cut, it had gotten to the point where I literally could not even look at my own arms and it was just bad.


So the next Wednesday (last week)... I skipped my music history class to hang out outside the dance studio and catch J when his class was over... it was really, really hard... but I was just like, "J, can you talk for a minute?" And he said 'of course' and we went over to another part of the lobby to talk. 


I really thought he might have known, if anyone had caught a glimpse of my wrist, I knew it would have been him... plus I just knew he would be the easiest to talk to. I asked him if there was anything he saw that made him want to talk to me the previous week... anything they hadn't mentioned... he said it was just that while he could see I was doing better, there were times when I sort of hit a wall... and it's not like I hit and just fell a few steps back, but I hit it HARD and would go all the way back to where I started. 


I told him there was something I did that I wanted to stop and that I was getting better at going longer without doing it but then every time I did it got worse... which of course makes no sense so he had to ask me what it was... so I told him I cut. I don't even know if the words came out right. He had to repeat what I said and I nodded. He said there was nothing wrong with that and we talked and he was telling me about thinking more positively and being more aware of my emotions and if I feel like cutting to think of something happy like the kids I work with. And then I was telling him how its just so confusing because I thought I was doing better but I guess I'm really not.


I told him how one of the things you would think most people are afraid of is the totally opposite for me When he asked what that was, I told him it was that I didn't think I was actually capable of killing myself and how it would be so much easier if I did or could (which he agreed). But I told him I knew that cause I had tried and it obviously didn't happen which he said makes him see me as fearless because I'm obviously not afraid of dying. 


He everything I said in a different perspective for me and really showed me the good side of all the bad stuff... like, even though it's not good stuff, good will come from it. He said he thinks that shows I DO care about myself somewhere in there to not go all the way through with it and I was like no, I just care about other people more than myself and I wouldn't be able to do that to them. He told me to think about it… how many people can actually say that? How many people do you know have ever done something that selfless? I guess he has a point...


We didn't talk about therapy at all which was good. I'm not going back to therapy, I just can't. And I think I made that pretty clear the prior week.


He said to check in with him once in a while and let him know how I'm doing and that if I'm having a hard time with something or struggling to just tell him know and we can talk about it. He told me its not gonna be easy (which i know) and that I'm gonna want to beat myself up sometimes, literally…. which I've actually done so yeah... but I felt better after talking to him just knowing someone knew I guess and was on my side and didn't think i was crazy. 


He said he sees all of this as a positive thing because in the end I'll be a stronger person for it. Even though it's bad stuff, it's hard, it's struggle, it's all okay. And he said there are people who don't have to struggle a lot with anything and how it sucks for them because the longer the struggle the better it is in the end because its more of an accomplishment. Also, that knowing that I want to stop self harming gives me a purpose in life and a goal and something to work for which a lot of people dont have. 


And once I do love myself it's gonna be that much more amazing because I have no idea what that even feels like and it'll be such a difference and so new to be and that when I am happy to let myself be and that it's gonna feel really weird and awkward at first but to let it feel that way because it's just that it's unfamiliar to me and I need to take time to get comfortable with feeling happy.


We spent about an hour talking. It really did feel good. I mean, he did most of the talking... but just telling someone was really, I dunno, healing? It just helped like, a lot. So, I walked into O's class an hour like and she said hi and was like "where you talking to J?" so I said yes and went to put my stuff in the dressing room... when I came back out she told me I could wait until Monday to present my revised improv. dance. I think she knows I went to him about something kinda serious so it was like this unspoken thing, like, you needed to do that and I'm proud of you for doing it.


Anyway, I think that's about it... it's been 5 days since I told him and I don't have class with him until next Monday. I don't think he's going to say anything about it which is good... it will make things not awkward. 


One thing that really made me feel good is when I told him, he didn't immediately look to my wrists. I mean, I know when I was actually saying some of the stuff I had to say, I couldn't actually look at him, but I just don't know if I would have been able to handle the reaction of someone's eyes wandering to my cleverly covered wrists after telling them I cut. 

And he was totally nonjudgemental and just didn't make me feel bad about it or like it was anything to be ashamed about. I was seriously in the best mood for like the next 3 days, it was honestly like having some of the weight taken off my shoulders. I'm so glad I was able to open up.