Well it's official...

I am now on a one year medical leave of absence from school (whether or not I return will be decided at the end of that year)... I'm looking into treatment programs... probably IOP or something... I'll keep seeing my current psychiatrist even though I'm moving home...

And I'm planning on restricting -_-

Majorly triggered/upset myself tonight in terms of my eating disorder... also... well I don't know where my mood is but I'm very impulsive and if I had a capable human being here right now at 1am I would be chopping all of my hair off.

I'm also SUPER itchy... paranoid about a rash but there's nothing there... I just itch like hell.

Okay... well... night I guess.

xx

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to update you guys for the past two weeks and everyday something new happens and it gets more and more overwhelming to have to type it all out... I'll just make a list and see what I can go into detail about.

• Started lamictal (take my last 25mg tomorrow and then move on to 50mg)
• Started talking/hanging out with J again... its like nothing's changed
• My dad's uncle died Monday... I didn't really know him well but still.
• MY friend K (have I talked about her before) have 3 tumors, one with cancer cells which may or may not be active... at this point she doesn't wanna do chemo.
• I'm on the anxiety medication... haven't taken more than 2 at a time so far
• Took some fat burners Tuesday (4) and 2 yesterday morning along with a bottle of smirnoff ice before 9am

So yeah... I really really need to get on here more and track my moods and things...

OH... forgot the almost killing myself part... yeah, I'm fine... I just really wanted to crash my car... parked down by a river for like over an hour... don't worry I'm fine.

SO sick right now though and I feel SUPER fat and huge and disgusting and I just wanna cut it all off.

Still wanting to withdraw from school...

Still making 'attempts' at purging but not getting very far...

STILL not recovered... from anything... go figure... I doubt I ever will, I should honestly just kill myself. But fuck.

Whatever... I'm fine... seriously gonna work on more updates... maybe once I withdraw from school I can make that happen.

xx

Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.

Peace.

xx

Thin.

I can feel bones... I can almost see bones... but it's still not enough. I'm still not thin enough. I'm not thin at all. I'm still not happy with my body... I'm closer... but not happy. 


I've been doing my best to eat healthy. I haven't been overexercising. And I've started to ease up on the diet pills...


But I'm still not thin enough. I just want to be thin.

What?

So tonight I got a, "stop getting skinny, asshole!" from one of my friends... 


Part of me... is like... what? I'm still losing weight?!? Cool! That's just what I want!!


And the other part of me is like... I haven't lost any more in the last few weeks... actually, I probably gained... I'm having a really bad body day... I feel so gross and disgusting...


I really am having a bad body day though... I just can't stand the fact that I might not am probably not seeing what other people are seeing at all... but I know I'm not skinny... I STILL can't even get into one jean size down... so yeah... these ones might be baggy... but I can't get my FAT ASS into anything else!!!


I want to cry- but of course nothing is fucking coming out. How do you make yourself cry?!? Oh my god.... fuck my life.

I thought I was doing so well...

Hi everyone,


Well... I've eaten more... I'm supposed to be happy about that I suppose. 


So my totals for the day:
-breakfast was the 120cal. muffin and some coffee
-lunch was 2 slices of turkey on a whole wheat arnolds (which I pulled about an 1/8 off and thew away) with pineapple habenero
-i also had a special k protein snack bar (110cal.) as the second part of my lunch. and like... 2 watermelon squares from a fruit bowl
-i had an afternoon snack of yogurt with a low fat granola
-for dinner I had a small piece of grilled chicken (which I ate most of) with salsa and a few broccoli florets


It seems like so much to me...

Oh... and I've now had a total of 7 fat burners for the day. And I've gotten back into the 1 ex-lax a night routine... which might be 2 tonight... I'll try not to. I know it's bad. 

I saw myself today... I saw what I'm doing to myself. I went to leave a video on my friends facebook wall and I just froze looking at myself. Maybe I have lost some weight.That's not a bad thing... but I know it's been done the wrong way. I want to beat this eating disorder... not fall back into it.


But it's just so much easier. 


I don't mind being the only one who's not eating, I will still go out to socialize and I just won't order anything... it doesn't bother me too much... okay... so it can be awkward I guess... but... oh fuck, I have no idea where I'm going with this. 


Maybe I'm not ready for recovery... maybe I can just hold on to this for a little longer...


I wrote a poem today... it's nothing special. Maybe not even a poem... just some random thoughts formatted to look like a poem. I just blurted it out right after I saw myself. It probably doesn't even make any sense.

It's a funny thing really,

how I couldn't be happier to see the pounds drop.

Yet there's something inside me,

something way, far, deep down.

And I can feel it breaking,

slowly dying away.

One by one,

the pounds are dropping.

Taking with them,

the better part of me.

I feel so alive,

yet I feel so very empty.

My every thought,

my every sensation,

contradicting the last.

Wanting to get better,

yet letting myself slip.

Knowing I should eat,

but my body doesn't move.

Taking more pills,

with each passing day.

Trying to fill the hole that's within.

A hunger that can't be fed,

as I watch myself wasting away.

I'm never enough.
I'll never be enough.
I never was enough.

Bones and Independence

My collarbones are slowly becoming more visible... very slowly... and I can feel my hip bones just a little more...

I think this is why I've been in such a good mood an okay mood lately. But my face is breaking out... something must still be stressing me.

I think one of my biggest fears also, is that I am going to fail... at life. I know nothing about money, paychecks, paying bills... I already suck at taking care of myself...


I feel like I will never be able to be fully independent. I will fail at everything... and I'm wondering if that may have played a role in my eating disorder...


Maybe... maybe not...

Whatever... I'm going to bed now. Goodnight <3

I just ate peanut butter...

Why?

Because I'm a fucking fatass, that's why.

The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.


Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 


So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.


I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.


I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 


I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 


My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.


I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 


He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.


I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 


Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.

Grandma

I had all of these thoughts Thursday morning but in order to write them means bringing them all back up again. So I just went online and searched through a shit ton of cemeteries and I think I found my Grandma's. I know she's near the kids because she loved kids so once I'm there I should have no problem finding her. I haven't been to visit her in so long and realized that I really need to go... and I think I need to talk to her. I used to talk to her all the time when I was a kid (she died when I was 8 by the way), but the less I believed in God and everything else, I stopped talking to my Grandma. 


Even though I barely knew her, I really do miss her. She was supposed to die before I was even born but held on until just 2 days before my 8th birthday. So... she was sick the whole time I knew her (she died of colon cancer). 


Anyway, I just found out kind of recently that when she was pregnant she used to starve herself and she was always dieting and not eating. When I heard that, my heart sank. There is a decent amount of information on eating disorders having something to do with genetics... what if she had an eating disorder? I don't know if she really did but that obviously isn't very healthy... and if she did, and part of my eating disorder is due to genetics, then it is the one thing I got from my Grandma other than my eyes. Which, by the way, the only reason I haven't had surgery on my eyelids is because they're my Grandma's.


Anyway... if my eating disorder is partially from her, then it just makes me want to hold onto it that much more. To hang on to her. She's 1/4 of who I am... and maybe the fact that I didn't really get to know her or that fourth of me is part of why I always feel like something is missing and like I don't really know who I am. And on top of that... she's probably the one grandparent who I am most like, who I most relate to, who I most look like, who I most act like... but I never got to know her to know that.


I don't  know... I think I was thinking a lot more and making a lot more sense the other day but it's just one of those things where I realized that I had to do it. I have to go to the cemetery and I have to visit my Grandma. I'll bring her flowers and talk to her. She's about a 3 hour drive from school... but we haven't been in so long. I want to go alone anyway... 


My favorite childhood memory is actually one with her, which always struck me as kind of strange because I didn't really know her. And my family never lived like down the block from my grandparents so it wasn't like I saw her all the time. Just on certain holidays and the occasional visits we took up there. 


It was just so weird to me that I got so upset about this and all of the things it could mean. I dunno... maybe I'm just rambling now.

So just love me as I come...

I added  on to the song page!! I now have videos for....
-Breathe by Billy Dortch
-It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore
-Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill


So my throat is KILLING me. Like, it feels really tight... I dunno... I hope I'm not getting sick again, I barely ever got better.

So yesterday... oh my God. I had to bake fresh cookies from scratch. Never did that before. It was okay. Kinda gross cause then I smelled like butter and had to obsessively wash my hands. The worst part though, I had to eat part of one. I thought I was going to die but if a kid offers you food you can't refuse, you at least have to take the first bite (which is the hardest of course). But saying no to the food is like saying no to the kid so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Then when I left I was driving back freaking out all I wanted to do was throw up, but I couldn't cause I was in the car... I wanted to pull over so badly even if I just threw up in a bush or on the side of the road it was that bad. I was crying and shaking. I didn't allow myself to pull over though. That would just have opened so many more doors for me that I don't need to go through.


I did eat a little dinner later that night. I also had dinner tonight (plus a snack, ew). Breakfast and lunch were both just coffee. I am making myself eat at least one meal a day (typically dinner) and getting coffee when I want it. Even if I feel kind of gross after I know I can't let myself get too far down the path of anorexia... as much as I want it... as bad as that sounds.


I got two of the books (Shrink Yourself and The Body Image Workbook). I started reading Shrink Yourself and even though I'm  not really an "emotional eater" to the extent in which the book was written, I still use food as a way to avoid my emotions... whether it's a binge or extreme restriction. I have a terrible relationship with food, I'm aware of that. But even though there are a lot of things in the book that don't apply to me... it's still interesting material and we'll see what happens when I get to the activities at the end. I'm not ready for The Body Image Workbook. Not at all. I have to get through Telling ED No! and Regain Your Self first. Those are being shipped to my apartment. 

Oh... and something I learned. I can't rush recovery. I can't set a date for myself that I want to be "better" by. Life doesn't work by set deadlines... it just goes with the flow... and that's what I'm going to do... although, I may be swimming upstream a lot before I found out where I made that wrong turn.


I don't have too too much to say right now. Like I said, I'm not feeling well. My sinuses are going crazy! It sucks but it's whatever... I just hope I'm not getting sick again. I took some medicine just in case though.


By the way... check out Feather in the Wind. It's really beautiful <3

I have an eating disorder.

Today, I looked myself in the eye and told myself (although not out loud because this was mid dance rehearsal)
"I have an eating disorder."


I have a fucking eating disorder. I mean, that's kind of obvious. But I don't always want to/like to admit it. I deny it all the time. I know it's true. Sometimes I think it's not because it's not that serious. Okay, I shouldn't say that... eating disorders at any level are serious.


But anyway, today... I looked myself dead in the eye and admitted that to myself. 


Kinda freaked me out... but I guess REALLY admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?
Now I just have to stop.


Good luck.