Bones and Independence

My collarbones are slowly becoming more visible... very slowly... and I can feel my hip bones just a little more...

I think this is why I've been in such a good mood an okay mood lately. But my face is breaking out... something must still be stressing me.

I think one of my biggest fears also, is that I am going to fail... at life. I know nothing about money, paychecks, paying bills... I already suck at taking care of myself...


I feel like I will never be able to be fully independent. I will fail at everything... and I'm wondering if that may have played a role in my eating disorder...


Maybe... maybe not...

Whatever... I'm going to bed now. Goodnight <3

Bones

I'm starting to feel my bones a little more... collar bones, ribs, hip bones. Sometimes I tap or hit them just to make sure they're still there. I still have a shit-ton of fat covering them, but maybe I'm finally loosing some weight again? My ass is still freakishly huge... and my legs. And I hate hate hate my arms. Eww gross. 


I realized today that one of my ribs sticks out more than the rest. Not like one side, but actually one rib. It's the 7th or 8th down on my right side. My next tattoo is going on that side. I don't know if I ever told you guys what it was...? Anyway it's an under boob tattoo :) Haha. I'm getting it next week. I designed the hearts kind of, its a red and pink one overlapping and then it's going to say 'you can be loved...' 


If you go to my 'breathe' page at the  very bottom there is a picture I made of the poem I got that from. It's my absolute favorite... and the way I see it, if it's tattooed on my body I have to believe it. Right? So anyway, I've had some whole grain goldfish and raisins today. I've taken a few diet pills. I'm out of expel, I really like those ones. Trip to Rite-Aid soon? So yeah... I'm planning on grabbing a protein bar before my jazz class and then I won't have anything between then and the show. I'm only in two pieces and don't do much in either so I'm at no risk for passing out. Besides I have been minimally eating so I know I'll be okay. I do have apples... so tomorrow I will have an apple. I need to get back into eating my fruits.


I'm literally sitting here listening to music, dancing, and feeling my collar bone. I'm such a weirdo! I need all this belly fat shit to be gone though. I'm not really nervous about the booby tattoo even though I'm sure it'll hurt, but I don't want him to see all my fatness. Or rather, I don't like that he's going to. I don't care if he sees a boob. Honestly, having him see my wrist was SO much worse than anything else would ever be. 

Not what I'm getting, just the placement :)

I bruised my left hip last night at dress rehearsal. I landed on it out of a roll. Oops, haha that's never happened before. But I don't mind when I bruise in bony spots (or what I want to be bony) because it somehow makes me feel smaller. I'm still in a decent mood... surprisingly. I'm going to go work on my abs and do some leg weights and a few things for these grotesque arms before class. I have about 2 hours... I should be able to get enough done by then.