Grandma

I had all of these thoughts Thursday morning but in order to write them means bringing them all back up again. So I just went online and searched through a shit ton of cemeteries and I think I found my Grandma's. I know she's near the kids because she loved kids so once I'm there I should have no problem finding her. I haven't been to visit her in so long and realized that I really need to go... and I think I need to talk to her. I used to talk to her all the time when I was a kid (she died when I was 8 by the way), but the less I believed in God and everything else, I stopped talking to my Grandma. 


Even though I barely knew her, I really do miss her. She was supposed to die before I was even born but held on until just 2 days before my 8th birthday. So... she was sick the whole time I knew her (she died of colon cancer). 


Anyway, I just found out kind of recently that when she was pregnant she used to starve herself and she was always dieting and not eating. When I heard that, my heart sank. There is a decent amount of information on eating disorders having something to do with genetics... what if she had an eating disorder? I don't know if she really did but that obviously isn't very healthy... and if she did, and part of my eating disorder is due to genetics, then it is the one thing I got from my Grandma other than my eyes. Which, by the way, the only reason I haven't had surgery on my eyelids is because they're my Grandma's.


Anyway... if my eating disorder is partially from her, then it just makes me want to hold onto it that much more. To hang on to her. She's 1/4 of who I am... and maybe the fact that I didn't really get to know her or that fourth of me is part of why I always feel like something is missing and like I don't really know who I am. And on top of that... she's probably the one grandparent who I am most like, who I most relate to, who I most look like, who I most act like... but I never got to know her to know that.


I don't  know... I think I was thinking a lot more and making a lot more sense the other day but it's just one of those things where I realized that I had to do it. I have to go to the cemetery and I have to visit my Grandma. I'll bring her flowers and talk to her. She's about a 3 hour drive from school... but we haven't been in so long. I want to go alone anyway... 


My favorite childhood memory is actually one with her, which always struck me as kind of strange because I didn't really know her. And my family never lived like down the block from my grandparents so it wasn't like I saw her all the time. Just on certain holidays and the occasional visits we took up there. 


It was just so weird to me that I got so upset about this and all of the things it could mean. I dunno... maybe I'm just rambling now.