Confused!!

Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.


I've heard it all...


How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...


C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."


T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.


S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.


The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."


M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."


T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.


And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...


I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...