Or so I like to think...

I ate way too much today. Why the fuck did I eat?? And I ate some candy too. Like, really? That embarrasses me to even admit. 

Candy. 

It's such a dirty word to me.

But I'm not going to give up. I've always been a fighter (even though I feel like giving up sometimes). But hey, 21 years and still going right? I never thought I'd make it here. I didn't think I'd make it to 18. Hell... I wasn't even sure I'd get to 15. But I did... and I'm still here, still going.

I'm not one for doing things the easy way... and hey, recovery... is not easy.

Hate to break it to you kids, but recovery is hard work.

That doesn't mean not to try... it just makes it that much more worth it in the end. To know that you stood up for yourself, to yourself... that you fought for yourself, your life. 

I feel disgusting right now... really disgusting. I hate this feeling more than anything. 

This is not meant to be offensive... I just saw it and honestly feel this way sometimes. 

My stomach... 
                       is huge... 
                                     I want... 
                                                   to throw up...


Fuck.

This thing with J really pissed me off... I don't think I went into detail with you guys about it but we still  haven't spoken. It's been like 2 weeks or so now. I get pissed cause she told me "whether you want help or not, or whether you think your recovery has an impact on me or not, it effects me more than you think". Like, really??

First off, I had been doing so well! But she takes positive things that I say and somehow makes them out to be negatives. So I just don't get it... I dunno, I had more thoughts on this before but whatever. And really... she knows I'm convinced everyone leaves me. That's what people do. Thanks for proving me right. Oh... and another thing... I already felt like I'm the reason she's going through all this shit... that she got a lot of her 'bad habits' from me... thanks for letting me know I was right about that one too.

Okay... so since my formatting is all fucked up and is kind of pissing me off... I'm gonna get going. Peace.