Or so I like to think...

I ate way too much today. Why the fuck did I eat?? And I ate some candy too. Like, really? That embarrasses me to even admit. 

Candy. 

It's such a dirty word to me.

But I'm not going to give up. I've always been a fighter (even though I feel like giving up sometimes). But hey, 21 years and still going right? I never thought I'd make it here. I didn't think I'd make it to 18. Hell... I wasn't even sure I'd get to 15. But I did... and I'm still here, still going.

I'm not one for doing things the easy way... and hey, recovery... is not easy.

Hate to break it to you kids, but recovery is hard work.

That doesn't mean not to try... it just makes it that much more worth it in the end. To know that you stood up for yourself, to yourself... that you fought for yourself, your life. 

I feel disgusting right now... really disgusting. I hate this feeling more than anything. 

This is not meant to be offensive... I just saw it and honestly feel this way sometimes. 

My stomach... 
                       is huge... 
                                     I want... 
                                                   to throw up...


Fuck.

This thing with J really pissed me off... I don't think I went into detail with you guys about it but we still  haven't spoken. It's been like 2 weeks or so now. I get pissed cause she told me "whether you want help or not, or whether you think your recovery has an impact on me or not, it effects me more than you think". Like, really??

First off, I had been doing so well! But she takes positive things that I say and somehow makes them out to be negatives. So I just don't get it... I dunno, I had more thoughts on this before but whatever. And really... she knows I'm convinced everyone leaves me. That's what people do. Thanks for proving me right. Oh... and another thing... I already felt like I'm the reason she's going through all this shit... that she got a lot of her 'bad habits' from me... thanks for letting me know I was right about that one too.

Okay... so since my formatting is all fucked up and is kind of pissing me off... I'm gonna get going. Peace.

Some thoughts paralyze me.

Wrote this after my two posts last night. My morning writing was not so positive today... I'm not even close to done with it. I'm throwing food out. I ate too much breakfast. I hate this. I hate it all so much.

Tired of waiting...

Still no word from the counseling center. Ate way too much today...


Other than that, it was an amazing day. I had the best day at work (again). I think I may have eaten too much because I haven't heard back from the counseling center.

I made some major revelations this morning. 

Short N Sweet. Peace out <3 <3

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.