Or so I like to think...

I ate way too much today. Why the fuck did I eat?? And I ate some candy too. Like, really? That embarrasses me to even admit. 

Candy. 

It's such a dirty word to me.

But I'm not going to give up. I've always been a fighter (even though I feel like giving up sometimes). But hey, 21 years and still going right? I never thought I'd make it here. I didn't think I'd make it to 18. Hell... I wasn't even sure I'd get to 15. But I did... and I'm still here, still going.

I'm not one for doing things the easy way... and hey, recovery... is not easy.

Hate to break it to you kids, but recovery is hard work.

That doesn't mean not to try... it just makes it that much more worth it in the end. To know that you stood up for yourself, to yourself... that you fought for yourself, your life. 

I feel disgusting right now... really disgusting. I hate this feeling more than anything. 

This is not meant to be offensive... I just saw it and honestly feel this way sometimes. 

My stomach... 
                       is huge... 
                                     I want... 
                                                   to throw up...


Fuck.

This thing with J really pissed me off... I don't think I went into detail with you guys about it but we still  haven't spoken. It's been like 2 weeks or so now. I get pissed cause she told me "whether you want help or not, or whether you think your recovery has an impact on me or not, it effects me more than you think". Like, really??

First off, I had been doing so well! But she takes positive things that I say and somehow makes them out to be negatives. So I just don't get it... I dunno, I had more thoughts on this before but whatever. And really... she knows I'm convinced everyone leaves me. That's what people do. Thanks for proving me right. Oh... and another thing... I already felt like I'm the reason she's going through all this shit... that she got a lot of her 'bad habits' from me... thanks for letting me know I was right about that one too.

Okay... so since my formatting is all fucked up and is kind of pissing me off... I'm gonna get going. Peace.

Bored bored bored....

So first thing is based off a lot of comments I've been getting and I just want to clear something up. I do still dance. I am a dance major. But dancing at my college is nothing like the dance I used to do at my studio, there's no competitions, it's not as much dancing, it's not as intense dancing, it's not with my family that I had been dancing with since I was only 6 years old, it's not the same. I dance as much as humanly possible, I may not even graduate on time because I take so many dance technique classes and put off all of my "academic" classes. 


I can go on about that for days but that's not really why I was posting.


I don't really have any major reason actually. I got a new phone! So excited! I got the iPhone. My ringtone quacks! It's amazing!!! And of course the first thing I did was sync some music up to it and set up the ipod/nike app and download more apps for nutrition/fitness/calorie counters and ect. 


I absolutely suck at painting my nails. But I already knew that :)


And on a more serious note, being home is boring as all hell. I usually spend majority of my time with J. I broke down and apologized last night. Doesn't matter who started it or who was in the wrong, leave it long enough and I will always find a way to blame myself... even without her help of telling me what a shitty friend I am. Hell, I could find a way to blame world hunger or global warming on myself if you let me. So anyway, I figure, while I'm home, and still not 100% blaming myself for what happened, I  might as well step up and be the bigger person. Again. Her response was a little... not what I was expecting. My apologizing did get her to realize that she had overreacted and that "we both made some wrong decisions". So I guess that's good... but here's what got me... she said she will think things through, she just needs a little more time. 


Really? I just didn't respond. I'll give her her time. When she's ready I guess she'll text me or send me a message or whatever. But I'm only here for one week. One long... boring week. It's whatever I guess. I'm just tryin not to worry about it and let things play out but at the same time, when I'm home and bored, it kills me cause normally I would be on a late night beach trip with her or doing some crazy ass shit til god knows when in the morning. 


It's just whatever. I did get to skype with S for like two hours today though which is always great. We spend half our conversations trying to convince the other to come visit us. Haha. It's all good though. I will get to Italy before grad school... the summer before grad school I am defiantly going if I haven't been already. 


And if anyone watches Pretty Little Liars, I just finished the season finale, and OMG! So intense! Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry my posts are always so long, especially lately. 


Oh! And I got an app for my iPhone that has inspirational quotes. I love it <3


Take care!!