But, this is what I need to do.
This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.
Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.
So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.
My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks).
Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all.
I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong.
I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them.
I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...
An e-mail or letter might work, or you could have the counselor from the school talk to your parents for you or with you to sort of break the ice. You could just tell your parents you don't feel like answering a lot of questions right now and maybe some other time you can talk more in-depth about it. Tell them you want to do online classes and go to counseling close to home and go to the dance studio close to home so you can use dancing as an outlet and still keep life balanced. Tell them you don't like the counseling center at the school. I've been to counselors I didn't like and honestly it's just a waste of time and effort. You have to find a counselor that works with you and you get along with. I think talking to your parents through email would be the best way because then you won't have to talk face to face until you are comfortable. Tell them that you want them to email you back and not talk face to face or over the phone about it. Then they can email you and questions and concerns and you can answer the questions if/when you are ready. It will be hard to do but I think email would be easier than face to face. Good luck. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have everything really planned out well. im proud your taking this step and now for it to work out as planned you just have to stick with it :) but it does sound like a good plan, ask your school ya to help you out etc thats why they are there to help you so take total advantage of that. if you hate it there its just gonna make shit worse etc. if u can talk to a therapist you like and still dance it sounds great and yah letters always help me because i never know what to say to people and end up getting defensive and freakin out lol. but no your plan sounds great just take baby steps and stay strong :)
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