Waiting...

Kes and Nikki, thank you so so much for your support!! This has literally consumed my entire day! The letter was written and sent. I feel somewhat better now that it's been done but I'm nervous. 


Really, I think the biggest thing is going to be getting the school to let me do this. They may not. It's gonna be tough. I may keep my Thursday appointment at the counseling center and see if they can help me out with an excuse to finish my degree from home. Really though... I have an eating disorder, I am most likely depressed (at least mildly or on occasion), and I self injure... I need to do this to take care of myself.


I'm also nervous because my mom has heart issues and I always feel like when something comes up and she ends up in the hospital that it's my fault because I'm much more stressful and difficult than just any other kid. No one ever knows what's going on with me, and I think that scares them. 


My parents are on vacation right now... I don't know if my mom will be checking her e-mail on her phone. She just got an iphone so she does have the ability to. I don't want to mess up their vacation, but I had to do it before I changed my mind.


In the e-mail I said that I didn't want to spend the next year at school and that I take better care of myself when I'm at home (they know that means food-wise, for the most part). I explained the credits and how I don't have a lot left. If I take one class every term, two classes for maybe half of that, I'll be fine. Hey, maybe since I'll be considered part-time it will be cheaper. Can you graduate part-time? I don't know. I don't know if any of this is going to work out the way I want it to. I want them to make an exception and let me do what I want. Sorry, going off topic. So I also told them how I'm sure if I talked to the director of the dance program she could help me pull a few strings. I told them I also look into counseling and how I know my mom has told me before to do this, which I have... several times, but that the counseling center here is really just useless. I assured them that this wasn't a quick decision brought on by anything, it's something that I have been thinking about for a while. I said I wanted to take better care of myself and I feel like I need to be home to do that, also dancing at home is going to be a huge help for me. I ended with,
"I don’t want you to be worried about me, there really isn’t any reason to be… but without having to go into too much detail about it I know that this is what I need to do and that this will help me a lot. There’s nothing that just made this come up, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and hopefully you can just trust my judgment that I know this is what I need right now." 
Then I said it would be easier if they just responded to this through e-mail for now.


I think my parents will want to look at other options first... but in the end, I think this is the best one for me. I just hope that it works out the way I want it to. 


I need to head out to rehearsal now. I will def. let you know when I hear a response back and keep you updated. I am crossing my fingers that this works out as planned! I do want my degree, I've come too far to give that up... but I need me too.

I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

One day.

It just came out... and then I cried. 

One day... I'm going to love myself.

One day. Not today... but one day.