Waiting...

Kes and Nikki, thank you so so much for your support!! This has literally consumed my entire day! The letter was written and sent. I feel somewhat better now that it's been done but I'm nervous. 


Really, I think the biggest thing is going to be getting the school to let me do this. They may not. It's gonna be tough. I may keep my Thursday appointment at the counseling center and see if they can help me out with an excuse to finish my degree from home. Really though... I have an eating disorder, I am most likely depressed (at least mildly or on occasion), and I self injure... I need to do this to take care of myself.


I'm also nervous because my mom has heart issues and I always feel like when something comes up and she ends up in the hospital that it's my fault because I'm much more stressful and difficult than just any other kid. No one ever knows what's going on with me, and I think that scares them. 


My parents are on vacation right now... I don't know if my mom will be checking her e-mail on her phone. She just got an iphone so she does have the ability to. I don't want to mess up their vacation, but I had to do it before I changed my mind.


In the e-mail I said that I didn't want to spend the next year at school and that I take better care of myself when I'm at home (they know that means food-wise, for the most part). I explained the credits and how I don't have a lot left. If I take one class every term, two classes for maybe half of that, I'll be fine. Hey, maybe since I'll be considered part-time it will be cheaper. Can you graduate part-time? I don't know. I don't know if any of this is going to work out the way I want it to. I want them to make an exception and let me do what I want. Sorry, going off topic. So I also told them how I'm sure if I talked to the director of the dance program she could help me pull a few strings. I told them I also look into counseling and how I know my mom has told me before to do this, which I have... several times, but that the counseling center here is really just useless. I assured them that this wasn't a quick decision brought on by anything, it's something that I have been thinking about for a while. I said I wanted to take better care of myself and I feel like I need to be home to do that, also dancing at home is going to be a huge help for me. I ended with,
"I don’t want you to be worried about me, there really isn’t any reason to be… but without having to go into too much detail about it I know that this is what I need to do and that this will help me a lot. There’s nothing that just made this come up, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and hopefully you can just trust my judgment that I know this is what I need right now." 
Then I said it would be easier if they just responded to this through e-mail for now.


I think my parents will want to look at other options first... but in the end, I think this is the best one for me. I just hope that it works out the way I want it to. 


I need to head out to rehearsal now. I will def. let you know when I hear a response back and keep you updated. I am crossing my fingers that this works out as planned! I do want my degree, I've come too far to give that up... but I need me too.

I just want to be happy...

I wish I could be okay. Is happiness really too much to ask for? The way I see it... I have three options in life.

1) be thin and happy

2) be a "healthy" weight/fat and miserable

3) not be at all

The first option is my favorite. The third seems the most logical at this point. If I live in #2 any longer I'm not gonna have a choice but to end it. Either way, it's like a scale. I can go one of two ways from where I am now. Problem is I've been here so long, the best option seems like it could never be reached.


I am sorry to all of my followers for my long, ranty, depressing posts... especially lately. And to those who always comment (you know who you are)... thank you. So much.

Assumptions

So, this morning, I was just thinking about assumptions and how much what people assume of us can affect us... especially when we already know exactly what they are going to assume and therefore feel like we're letting them down. Okay, well maybe that's just me. But who knows, maybe this happens to some of you guys too and you just never stopped to think about. 

I was talking to a friend the other day and instead of him trying to fix my problems or make me better, he just listened and asked me questions. Questions that made me think. He's amazing.


Anyway, assumptions. As I'm sitting here wrapped up in my polka dot blanket and thinking about how I will be skipping yet another class this morning, something came to my attention. Now first, let me just say that I am not at all a quiet person when you get to know me well enough and once I feel safe enough to open up around you... usually. But since I am quiet around new people or new situations, or even my family because there are so many people that it intimidated me as a child, people just think that's how I am. They think I'm quiet. I hate quiet. And I think I hate it so much because that's not me. But then once I try to open up to people or I get to a somewhat safer level with them... they think it's weird. 


Now that I'm older, I've noticed this a lot in my family. All I have to do is say 'hi' and everyone freaks out and is like oh my god she's talking! Blah blah blah. After that, I stay quiet. It's embarrassing and whatever. I'm not gonna get too much into it because I just woke up and it's kind of difficult to explain.

But then since I'm 'the quiet one', people also assume that I'm smart and I go to classes and do all my work. I never do homework, I procrastinate on everything, and I miss more classes then I go to. I don't get good grades, I never have.


I still remember the day I realized I was the dumb kid in the class.


I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old. This is the day I realized I was just plain stupid.


We all had to write out all of the numbers 1-100 and then we could go play. Everyone was playing. I wasn't even up to 20. I was actually just barely past 10. My teacher had to come over and try to help me but I couldn't concentrate because I was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn't be both the dumb kid and the crybaby. I had to stay a few minutes late and then since I still wasn't done finish the next day.


But then I used to get teachers my brother had before me. And he is smart. But I was his quiet little sister, a double whammy. So of course they assumed I was smart. I just ended up letting everyone down because I was not who or what they expected me to be.


No one really understands how badly assumptions can hurt people.

** Just as a side note. I know many of you probably know this, but I am not in therapy. I know that I need it... I can admit that now, I'm certifiably insane so it's kind of a no brainer... but I don't want therapy, I don't trusts it (this is my personal opinion, it's a good thing for you to go to if it helps!). I have just not had good experiences with it. That is why I'm blogging and trying to fix things on my own, for the most part. And this blogging has really been helping me out because when I expand on these little thoughts in my head I think it's helping me come closer to the root[s] of my problems. Which, of course, not knowing why I am the way I am is a huge part of what bothers me. Like, if I had a reason, it would be just a hair easier for  me. I don't know... either way, thank  you for reading along and for commenting. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that there are people in existence to care and understand. It truly truly means the world to me. I've never been one to talk and this blog is really helping me to just get some things out.