That's me...

It's the little things in life that really shape who we are and make us so special. For me, a lot of people will never see that side of me... they don't give me a chance to ever show them. And you know what? It's there loss. Really.






Here are some of the texts that I sent out yesterday to people who really know me....

-dropping out of school to be a rapper

-even with my headphones i'm very self conscious of the fact that my right sneaker always squeaks

-just circled a mailbox and proceeded to walk down the street cause i couldn't figure it out

-i think i'm the only person whose every experienced almost being flown into by a bird

If anything.... I defiantly can say that I'm one of a kind. I think I'm really ready to begin getting better. I'm  by putting an end to the cutting, for good. I haven't cut in about a week and a half or so... whenever that last post about it was. I made a video to the song Still Alive by Steve Means of me and J and it has video clips and pictures from our road trip and other random times. I really want to be able to take pictures again, and videos, and do stupid funny shit. I want to be me again and life my life. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I'm really gonna work on being happy... more than ever. I need to. 


I don't actually have much to say right now... but yeah... I've been making a lot of music mixes and videos... and videos to my own music mixes. All I'm doing today is going tanning, getting some gym time in, and then I have pilates for about 2 hours. So yeah... I'm gonna go start getting ready now and head out.

Random Blog Updates

I added new songs to the song list and started to put in some of my guide stuff that I'm working on. I'm also going to start working on that whole "series of unfortunate events" for those of you who have read my 'Who Am I?' page. I don't know when it will be up or how long it will take me to get it done but I think it's about time I get it all out. It's just so much information that it's almost overwhelming.


So after my last post... the whole week was kind of hell. This morning wasn't great either but I just showered and I'm going to try to turn that around. I'm still hangin' in there. It's tough... but I'm getting out of bed (most mornings) and I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud of. Maybe I am stronger than I realize because even with all of this I'm still here? I dunno. 


But anyway, check out the new songs there are some really good ones... the video up top is one of them because the video is just amazing and yeah... then I also added another Natasha Bedingfield song (recover) and Jenni Schaffer's 'Life without ED'. There are some others to so just check it out. And the 'Guide to Happiness' page is up, not fully completed but that's all I have some more. Feel free to comment with suggestions or whatever else.


Peace.

I just want to be happy...

I wish I could be okay. Is happiness really too much to ask for? The way I see it... I have three options in life.

1) be thin and happy

2) be a "healthy" weight/fat and miserable

3) not be at all

The first option is my favorite. The third seems the most logical at this point. If I live in #2 any longer I'm not gonna have a choice but to end it. Either way, it's like a scale. I can go one of two ways from where I am now. Problem is I've been here so long, the best option seems like it could never be reached.


I am sorry to all of my followers for my long, ranty, depressing posts... especially lately. And to those who always comment (you know who you are)... thank you. So much.

True Happiness

I could go on about this forever.... but all I'm going to say is this is more true to me than I could ever imagine.

And right now... I am failing everyone, which results in me failing myself. If anything... I have hurt people trying to make myself happy.

I'm so sorry.

~~

You know what... I am going to go on about it. I'm going to go on because I think that I need to say it if nothing else just to admit it to myself and work through it and try to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry if I ramble, you don't really even have to read this if you don't want.

I don't even know where to start. I'm on the verge of tears... I just binged. I suck at life. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I feel the need to be the tiniest girl in the world. I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I'm the way I am.

Anyway, I saw this quote and it made so much sense to be. I am eventually doing to be a dance movement therapist. I love helping people, especially kids. I feel so good when I do. I forget about all the shit that doesn't matter and I just enjoy helping other people. I love to make people smile, I love to give people hugs when they're crying. I hate when other people are sad, I really really do. I love volunteering, it's why I never really had a job. It's just such a huge part of who I am. I work with kids mostly... and I would do anything for them. Anything. 

I know I'm a terrible person... yet for some reason, I still have a ton of kids that look up to me. They're the reason I want to be better. I can't stand the thought of them looking up to who I actually am. I would die if I found out that any of my kids did a single one of the stupid things that I do. Besides all the kids I've taught dance to or the kids I've met through volunteering... there are two little girls that I love more than anything. One of them, is my 2 year old cousin, the other is a little girl in first grade that my mom used to watch since she was about 3months old. I know for a fact that she looks up to me. She's so smart and beautiful and talented. I want her to always know that. 

I totally went off what I was initially going to say. 

In the last year or so, things have gotten really really bad with me. And since at least last spring, my best friend has been saying that she has an ED and she told me she cuts a few weeks ago (which was news to me). Anyway, I try to help her as much as I can... the thing is she is my biggest trigger. I still try though, I really really do. But I also can't help feeling like if these things are all true (I don't even know) that if she didn't know me she would've found better ways to deal with her stress. I feel like I am a huge part of why she does what she does. She saw me when I was skinny and happy... maybe she thinks she can have that? I don't know, but whatever it is I feel like I've totally failed her and I'm kicking myself for it. I hate myself for that. All I want is for her to be happy and instead I feel like I've done this to her... which makes me miserable.

When she mentioned cutting, I had been in the best mood ever... on top of the world. But I did a total 180 when I heard that. I ended up crying in my bed for hours, not moving. I didn't want to be alone but no one was around that night. I was afraid to be alone. I was in such a low place, my heart literally sank. Yeah, she triggers me with ED stuff a lot... but the cutting. Really? If this is true... I feel like it's because she saw some cuts on my wrist over the summer (she apparently started after that). I just really don't know.

I've hurt so many people because of my misery. My ED, SI.... everything. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I never wanted to put anyone through what I did. I hate myself even more for knowing the pain I've caused other people. I'm such a mess. This is exactly why no one will ever love me... why I won't let anyone love me. I don't want to hurt them. I push people away because I know I'll only end up ruining their lives. I don't want to do that to them... but I'm just not that great at lying all the time.

I'm sorry I can't always fake a smile anymore. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could be a better person. Someone who could be loved, who would make a great role model, anyone but myself. I did this to myself, it's no one's fault but my own and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I'm better off alone.