Ughhh!!!

Tech rehearsal tonight. Pictures are being taken at tech. My costume is hideous and doesn't even really fit me.


They just took our measurements... yet they made my costume too small... or I gained weight. Fuck, I thought I was loosing... tiny bits at a time but loosing none-the-less.


I am a lot more open about my eating disorder with people now, I think it may partially be because I am trying to prove to people that I was once skinny and can do it again. I dunno... I'm fucked up in the head.


So the night I took 3 ex-lax... yeah let's talk about that. M came over... whatever, he's a total pain in the ass. He's way into me and I really could care less. I'm not attracted to him. Plus he's annoying. Whatever.


So anyway, I took an ex-lax before he got here. I didn't really care I was wearing sweats, I'm not gettin' dressed up for him. Fuck that shit. Anyway, this kid knows about my eating disorder and yet he still thinks it's okay to tell me (well okay he asked me and being the dumbass I am I told him he could tell me) that my stomach could be flatter, I have a big ass, and I have big cheeks. Wow. Thanks asshole. Even though I said you could tell me, you know I have a fucking eating disorder. And I don't give a flying rat's ass if you think hips and an ass look good. NO. FUCK YOU! I DON'T WANT AN ASS! I would be totally content with the body of a 12-year-old boy. Yeah... no joke. 

So since then... I'm even more self-conscious of my stomach because it's apparently huge, and I have a big fuckin' ass which I swear got even bigger since he said that. Oh and yes... I know I have cheeks. I have since I was a little kid. Everyone used to pinch them. I was one of those cheek pinch kids. I hate that. It hurts. And it's rude. I hate my cheeks. Put the big cheeks together with my stupid eyelids and that's what gives me that fuckin' Asian look. 


I have nothing against that, but every time someone calls me Asian it just is a reminder of me being fat. And what's worse? I'm still fucking eating. What the hell? I hate myself. I feel so fucking huge since he said that... like even more than usual. I thought I was loosing at least a little bit, but now I don't know if I have. I hate this. I want to loose. I need to loose. 


Oh... so yeah, after he said that he went to the bathroom and I popped the other 2 ex-lax. And he continued the entire night to tell me I have a big ass! I told him I didn't like that I don't care if you and apparently everyone you know is into that, I'm not, stop fucking bringing it the fuck up!!!


I want to die right now.


Oh... and did I mention after being put in such a bad fucking mood I text the boy again to say I missed him. No response, obviously.


I should shut the fuck up now... not like anyone cares anyway.


I hate myself.
I want to go home NOW.


Time for sit-ups. I'm out.