Confused!!

Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.


I've heard it all...


How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...


C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."


T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.


S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.


The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."


M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."


T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.


And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...


I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...

It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay.

Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget.  Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.


Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.


And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.


Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.


Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4  month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?


Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly. 


But like I said, C is gone. 


So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left. 


Then he wasn't around  anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.


Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.


So, how'd C make me cry?


Oh God... here I go.
I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life. 


Here we go:
(By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)


Him: hey
Me: heyy what's goin on
Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to
Me: just at rehearsals all day
Him: So y r u texting me crazy
Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre
Him: That cant be too comfy
Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :)
Him: Hows school goin
Me: eh... its goin


(Here's where it starts)


Him: Still no boyfriend?
Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon
Him: Lol y not
Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me 
Him: I wanted to put up with u
Me: ?
Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you.
Me: exactly, you had to leave
Him: And what does that mean
Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too.
Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.


When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...


Him: So u were sad when I had to leave?
Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed
Him: Y
Me: because i liked it when you were around
Him: Y =P
Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's
Him: Lol I kno, but y
Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust
Him: Wow, what made u feel that
Me: i dunno
Him: Well that's good to kno
Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend?
Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me
Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard
Me: what attitude?
Him: The attitude that no one would like u
Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that
Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together
Me: why are we having this conversation now?
Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself
Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno
Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are?
Me: im not
Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r.
Me: im not pretty. im not anything.
Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that.
Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing
Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time.
Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much.
Him: Y do u hate urself
Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have.
Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it?
Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything.
Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time?
Me: why would that matter?
Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea
Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up.
Him: Well u can always fix that
Me: how?
Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself.
Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that.
Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out.
Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better
Him: Have u even tried?
Me: yes... but nothing ever works
Me: can i tell you something?
Him: Of course
Me: im scared
Him: Of wat
Me: of myself
Him: Wat do you mean?
Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff
Him: Y dont u see a psychologist
Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear.
Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing
Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them.
Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle.
Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now
Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want
Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do
Me: im sorry by the way
Him: For wat
Me: for being such a psychotic mess
Him: Stop. I dont see u that way
Me: well that makes one of us :)
Me: you kno, i still miss you
Him: Don't miss me too much


I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do. 


I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.


Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told  me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.


After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point. 


I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself. 


I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again. 


I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness.  I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.


My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. 
That's it.


You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.

Copy Cat

You know what I hate??


People who act like you just to fit in, or get attention, or whatever... I don't even know why they do it. But it pisses me off! Especially when individualism is so important to me. I may not know who I am... but I know that I'm me... I'm unlike anyone else. That may be the one thing that I love about myself. Sure, at times I wish I could be more like other people, more normal, more healthy, more accepting... but I'm not and I just have to get over that. 

I have a friend who has recently become like this... and I don't want to confront her of it because what if it's all in my own head? I don't want to accuse her of something.

Some things I've said in the past....
-This is quoted from a huge fight we got into back in June (I said this toward the end of the fight):

You know what? I do a good enough job treating myself like shit so I really don't need your help. Thanks.

                     - Well a while back, I dunno if we were having an argument or if she was telling me something she said to someone else but what she said was this. What I said to her in June.


-Something I've always joked about (for years now) is I always say if I ever did drugs, I wouldn't smoke pot, I'd just do coke. Remember- JOKE, I'm not doing drugs.
                    - The other night on the phone, she said that exact thing.


- She also wants a tattoo now, after being afraid of needles and apparently running away from the doctor so she didn't have to get a shot or something. She's also always hated tattoos and never really approved of the one I want on my wrist for well over a year, maybe two now... but now all she can talk about is this damn tattoo she's getting.


- I can't go to the dentist alone, or doctor sometimes depending on what kind of doctor. I just won't go there if I'm left to take myself. Plus, I have to get happy gas at the dentist so I need a ride home. Now I have to bring her to the dentist next week because she apparently won't go on her own, which she's done before. I just don't get it. I mean, I know she has her own reasons for not liking the dentist but really?


- And with all of the trust issues I have, she's the one that knows the most about me and that I can confide in the most with... and same goes for her, although she does have other people she talks to I really just have her. Anyway, I always go back to the fact that no one will ever love me and I'm always going to be alone. I honestly believe that everyone leave me. And I blame myself every time. Well, the other night or last week or something she brought up how everyone leaves her.


- Oh and the whole thing about crying. I like never cry, sometimes I don't even think I can. And when I do cry, on those rare occasions... it's like... a single tear. I wish I could cry. I really do. I say it all the time but it's like I just don't know how. And now all of the sudden my friend, who used to cry all the time, just can't cry. Just out of nowhere.


- It even comes down to that I feel like I'm the reason for her ED and SI (if that's real). I feel like she got it from me and it's all my fault.

I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I hate people who are like that but at the end of the day she's been my best friend for years... I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to accuse her or start a fight. I mean there are other things too, these are just what I think are a few of the bigger issues. It's fucking confusing is what it is. 


Any advice? 
Sorry for venting so much lately by the way, I promise, happy posts coming soon!


                      

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.