Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Copy Cat

You know what I hate??


People who act like you just to fit in, or get attention, or whatever... I don't even know why they do it. But it pisses me off! Especially when individualism is so important to me. I may not know who I am... but I know that I'm me... I'm unlike anyone else. That may be the one thing that I love about myself. Sure, at times I wish I could be more like other people, more normal, more healthy, more accepting... but I'm not and I just have to get over that. 

I have a friend who has recently become like this... and I don't want to confront her of it because what if it's all in my own head? I don't want to accuse her of something.

Some things I've said in the past....
-This is quoted from a huge fight we got into back in June (I said this toward the end of the fight):

You know what? I do a good enough job treating myself like shit so I really don't need your help. Thanks.

                     - Well a while back, I dunno if we were having an argument or if she was telling me something she said to someone else but what she said was this. What I said to her in June.


-Something I've always joked about (for years now) is I always say if I ever did drugs, I wouldn't smoke pot, I'd just do coke. Remember- JOKE, I'm not doing drugs.
                    - The other night on the phone, she said that exact thing.


- She also wants a tattoo now, after being afraid of needles and apparently running away from the doctor so she didn't have to get a shot or something. She's also always hated tattoos and never really approved of the one I want on my wrist for well over a year, maybe two now... but now all she can talk about is this damn tattoo she's getting.


- I can't go to the dentist alone, or doctor sometimes depending on what kind of doctor. I just won't go there if I'm left to take myself. Plus, I have to get happy gas at the dentist so I need a ride home. Now I have to bring her to the dentist next week because she apparently won't go on her own, which she's done before. I just don't get it. I mean, I know she has her own reasons for not liking the dentist but really?


- And with all of the trust issues I have, she's the one that knows the most about me and that I can confide in the most with... and same goes for her, although she does have other people she talks to I really just have her. Anyway, I always go back to the fact that no one will ever love me and I'm always going to be alone. I honestly believe that everyone leave me. And I blame myself every time. Well, the other night or last week or something she brought up how everyone leaves her.


- Oh and the whole thing about crying. I like never cry, sometimes I don't even think I can. And when I do cry, on those rare occasions... it's like... a single tear. I wish I could cry. I really do. I say it all the time but it's like I just don't know how. And now all of the sudden my friend, who used to cry all the time, just can't cry. Just out of nowhere.


- It even comes down to that I feel like I'm the reason for her ED and SI (if that's real). I feel like she got it from me and it's all my fault.

I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I hate people who are like that but at the end of the day she's been my best friend for years... I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to accuse her or start a fight. I mean there are other things too, these are just what I think are a few of the bigger issues. It's fucking confusing is what it is. 


Any advice? 
Sorry for venting so much lately by the way, I promise, happy posts coming soon!