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******I AM NOT PRO-ANA******

*THIS IS NOT A PRO-ANA BLOG*

I am trying to recover from a serious eating disorder and even though it may seem like something else, I do not encourage unhealthy behaviors. Eating disorders are mental illnesses that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I am extremely aware of both the healthy and unhealthy behaviors that I take part in and am at the point in my recovery where I can admit to them, but still engage in them.

I know on occasion I may talk about how little I have eaten and how happy it makes me.
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I do go through and read every comment on my blog, I also take them all very seriously. If there were any
"pro-ana comments", I am sorry but for myself and for my followers who are also in recovery or who have an ED and are struggling, I have to delete those.

If you want to follow my blog, that is great, I love every single one of my followers, honestly... and even more so the ones who take the time out to comment and let me know they are following along and who offer support. But I do not need any support to continue in my eating disordered behaviors. 

Yes... I may follow some pro-ana blogs. But that does not mean I agree with them. At this point in my recovery... I'm actually not sure why I still follow them. I know at first it was to hang on to that last little piece of my problem... but I think I'm ready to let go of that piece. 

I have been working my ASS off to recover and to learn to fall in love with life. I have been fighting myself every damn day. Telling myself I ate too much, knowing I really didn't eat enough, binging because I'm lonely, hating myself for binging, tearing the house apart looking for razors, knowing that cutting doesn't solve anything... I have  been fighting against suicidal thoughts for almost a decade now... all the while slowly killing myself.

I have physical scars that I see every single day of my life to remind me of the pain I've put myself through. I am at the point in my life, where things are... okay... but I know that if I ever, EVER, let myself get to the point I was at last year (and many times before) that I will not be able to get myself out of it. I have been way past rock bottom... and I know that I do not have the strength or energy to pull myself out of that again. I just can't do it.

I'm sorry if this seems a little angry... I'm really not. Not at any of you... at myself and everything I'm fighting against... but I would appreciate it if there were no pro-ana comments left on my blog from now on.

Feel free to follow. Feel free to comment.
But please, keep in mind that I (as well as many of my followers) are in recovery and such comments can be triggering.

Quick Update

I need to be getting to bed so I'll try to keep this short.

Haha... short? Yeah right...

Okay so first off, I'm super sore and my hips are VERY bruised because I spent from 730-9 and then 12-1230 working on and rehearsing my solo (which I now have about 1:15 of). I sucked ass today. I was really shaky today... which happens. Hopefully it was just today though. I know I've been getting super light headed like, a lot, recently so... yeah.


Umm... my calorie intake has been pretty low. Every other day I have a little more... but it's still low. Which makes me happy. It's unhealthy, I know... ughhh!


Examples:
One day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then about half a drink (cranberry and vodka... light cranberry).
Another day I had a bowl of cereal some coffee and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (I use light whole wheat).
Another day I had a special K protein snack bar and a bit of coffee... then that night I had to force myself to get a vanilla light n fit yogurt with some light granola in it.


So... yeah. The off days were a little more. I would have an actual dinner or I dunno... just SOMETHING else...


And I've been light on the fat burners. Only 2-4 a day and ex-lax max strength (just one) only on the off days where I ate a little more. I should be taking one now but it's late-ish and I have to be on my way to work early so I can't risk having to take my time in the morning.

I attempted some clothes shopping yesterday. Got one tank top and one dress. I can not wear either yet. I need heels and a short sleeve something to go over top. Even short sleeves are new to me and I'm still not very comfortable in them so tank top?? HELL NO!

I need to get to a gym or some shit. The downside of being home I guess...


And, I think that's it for now.


Haven't heard from the boy since the second time he called. I successfully avoided calling him twice while my parents were on vacation and I had the house to myself. I really do kinda wanna see him... but I'm super nervous about it. I dunno why. All we do is have sex... and that's all I really want right now. 


Or is it? I dunno. I think the reason... I just... I guess I feel like... no one else is ever gonna wanna sleep with me. And he does and has... so at least I can temporarily feel like... I dunno. I'm gonna stop now. Don't wanna think about it.


Anyway, goodnight <3

My new life motto. Totally putting this everywhere :)

Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

3 meals?!? What?!?

Yup, that's right. I totally did that today. Having 3 meals a day is such a scary concept for me... and although there are times when I manage to do it... I always feel like absolute SHIT about it.


But not today (not too much at least).


Breakfast- coffee (300) and protein muffin (130kcals) --- also two green tea triple fat burners
Lunch- turkey on whole wheat with spicy pineapple habenro and a red delicious apple (450kcals)
Snack- special k protein snack bar (110kcals)
Dinner- 2 turkey meatballs on whole wheat (500kcals)
Dessert- weight watchers ice cream cup (150kcals)


Total: 1,640 calories

Oh dear god it looks like a lot when I write it that way.
I did exercise today. And I also have to keep in mind that I round up... I always do 300 (sometimes 400) as a standard for my morning coffee, regardless of drinking it all or not which I didn't today, so that I start the day off with 300 calories and then have to watch everything else... or so it seems. And I round everything up. 


That is a really big number... but it's a healthy number, no?


Still trying to stay positive.


Not only did I cancel my drinking plans for the night so I could go home and have dinner, but I was also helping out with dress rehearsal and instead of staying the whole night to avoid dinner, I left earlier. I actually wanted to go home and have dinner. Wow... that's a first.


Anyway, I know lunch with be a no-go tomorrow with recital and all... not sure about dinner yet... and I'm going to go work out a little now...


This is good, right? 


1,000 or over is scary for me... 900 is scary... it needs to stay under 800 (on a day with extra exercise) otherwise 500 and below... which really is only 200 after my coffee... well, 150... I want to be under 500 not at it.

Ahh!! Numbers... no... this is good. Under 1,500 maybe would have been less overwhelming but this number is still okay...


And tomorrow will be lower so it's fine... I think...

Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3