I think accidentally dying my hair so dark is triggering me....

So I've been wanting to put some hi-lights in my hair... lighten it up a bit, add some texture... ya know? But my roots looked like shit so I had to dye full color first.


Now I never get upset when the color comes out wrong, it happens all the time. And I've accidentally dyed my hair black many-a-time... but for some reason this time it's really upsetting me.


And now I have to re-dye it to get a lighter brown before I can even hi-light it.

And underneath where the pink and blue used to be had been a lighter brown just from the fact that it was previously bleached... now my hair is one solid color. Full on black. 


It sucks. 


And I don't know why this is upsetting me so much right now... and of course once one stupid little thing upsets me it makes everything else just come back to me... and now suddenly everything is wrong.

This song reminds me of the boy... 

I feel super gross today...

I miss C and I can't do anything about it...

I have no razors here...

My car is in the shop... there's no air in my bike...

I have no razors...

I can find something...

J's grandma just died and I'm miserable because I don't have a razor handy??
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

This all started because of some fucking hair dye.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck.

And so it begins....

Back at school. Headache all day. Already feel as though I've eaten too much. Spent quite a few hours at the gym too. 


I feel lonely, unloved, used, cheated, lied to, fat, ugly, gross, disgusting, worthless, ignored, forgotten, unrecognizable, unhappy, depressed, unwanted, stupid, pathetic, useless, overwhelmed.... I could keep going for days....


That's all.

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.