Not every girl can do that shit.

Everything's better with a tan.


Really, it is. In my opinion at least. Mine is slowly beginning to show. 


And I've been thinking about which piercing to get... I think I want a rook. Anyone have that done? That could possibly tell me on a scale of 1-10 how much it's going to make me cry? Seriously though, if you know anything about it let me know!



First off, I should apologize for the overload of posts. I just got back at school and have no one to talk to about anything, except for you guys. I'm still working on getting J to turn around but even when she does, it never will be and never has been the same since our first fight. She doesn't know everything, never has, never will. 


So really, the main reason for this post was the boy drama. Yeah, I dunno... I wish I could make this available just to be followers but what the hell.

I'm putting a disclaimer on this post from hear on out saying it's adult content. Personally, I don't think I went too overboard, but I just want to put that out there.

So here's what I don't get about guys. First of all, they're all douchbags. I mean, I know a few who aren't... well... like two... C and S. Both very, very far away. And one of course is like, my best friend. So anyway, guys just want sex. Whatever. That's fine with me. But if all you wanna do is fuck around then I'd rather you straight up be an asshole to my face. Don't go bein' all nice and spending the rest of the night talking to me about anything and everything... literally everything. We already had sex, you got what you wanted. So go home. Don't continue being nice to me. Asshole. 


But here's the thing. I'm more pissed at myself for letting my guard down. I NEVER let my guard down. It takes people years to never to get to know the real me. Fuck that. I let myself think he was different than other guys. That he wasn't one of those guys who just wants to fuck a different girl every night. That I wasn't gonna be just another number yet again. If you're just lookin' for a fuck buddy, that's cool... but don't lead me on. Don't call/text me and tell me you miss me all the time. Don't say you wanna see me again if you don't. I hate liars. 


We fucked. It's cool. No big. But then nothing. Spent the whole night talking, AFTER having sex... when he didn't need to prove anything to me or try to impress me... and then nothing. No text, no call. Nothing. It's been...like... 5 days or something. That's cool. What the fuck? Asshole. All I have to say at this point is you better be glad I'm flexible cause not every girl can do that shit.


The worst part. If he ever does talk to me again about whatever... is I still kinda like him and think other than the whole not getting in touch with me thing that he's a really great guy. I thought we actually connected. I thought there was something there. I opened up to him. I don't even know why. And he did with me too.


Just another reason not to believe my second tattoo. Apparently I'm only good for one thing. Whatever. Just gives me an excuse to fuck around. I know I act like a hard ass around people and pretend nothing ever gets to me, but you guys see the other side of it. I'm not really sad about this, I'm just pissed at the situation. But then again I tend to take my sadness out as anger... so maybe I am sad? I don't even know. It's coming out at anger. That's what I know.


I am human. I do have a soft side. 
So fuck you.

It's not supposed to be this way, I'm so far from okay.

Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget.  Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.


Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.


And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.


Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.


Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4  month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?


Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly. 


But like I said, C is gone. 


So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left. 


Then he wasn't around  anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.


Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.


So, how'd C make me cry?


Oh God... here I go.
I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life. 


Here we go:
(By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)


Him: hey
Me: heyy what's goin on
Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to
Me: just at rehearsals all day
Him: So y r u texting me crazy
Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre
Him: That cant be too comfy
Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :)
Him: Hows school goin
Me: eh... its goin


(Here's where it starts)


Him: Still no boyfriend?
Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon
Him: Lol y not
Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me 
Him: I wanted to put up with u
Me: ?
Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you.
Me: exactly, you had to leave
Him: And what does that mean
Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too.
Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.


When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...


Him: So u were sad when I had to leave?
Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed
Him: Y
Me: because i liked it when you were around
Him: Y =P
Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's
Him: Lol I kno, but y
Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust
Him: Wow, what made u feel that
Me: i dunno
Him: Well that's good to kno
Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend?
Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me
Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard
Me: what attitude?
Him: The attitude that no one would like u
Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that
Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together
Me: why are we having this conversation now?
Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself
Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno
Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are?
Me: im not
Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r.
Me: im not pretty. im not anything.
Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that.
Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing
Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time.
Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much.
Him: Y do u hate urself
Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have.
Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it?
Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything.
Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time?
Me: why would that matter?
Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea
Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up.
Him: Well u can always fix that
Me: how?
Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself.
Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that.
Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out.
Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better
Him: Have u even tried?
Me: yes... but nothing ever works
Me: can i tell you something?
Him: Of course
Me: im scared
Him: Of wat
Me: of myself
Him: Wat do you mean?
Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff
Him: Y dont u see a psychologist
Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear.
Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing
Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them.
Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle.
Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now
Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want
Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do
Me: im sorry by the way
Him: For wat
Me: for being such a psychotic mess
Him: Stop. I dont see u that way
Me: well that makes one of us :)
Me: you kno, i still miss you
Him: Don't miss me too much


I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do. 


I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.


Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told  me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.


After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point. 


I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself. 


I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again. 


I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness.  I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.


My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. 
That's it.


You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.

My Friends are Amaziiing

So I have to tell you how truley amazing the few friends that I do have are. Now, the last couple of days have been sucking big time and it's just everything I'm not going to get too into it because I don't wanna think about it. But basically the usual, I feel gross and disguisting, no guy is ever going to want me, I'm never gonna get married, blah blah blah. So my best freind, J, the one that I talk about a lot and get into a lot of fights with because we're similar (yes I'm finally giving names so it's less confusing) kind of knows whats going on.

So last night I was texting her and I was just really sad the last few nights... so I told her 'I don't know how not to hate myself' and she told me that I was going to learn... and that she was going to help me. I also, knowing the answer to the question asked her, 'Is it bad that i wish I didn't care so much about other people because if I didn't I would've killed myself by now?' and she didn't say yes like I was expecting but she said no because she feels the same. So my response was how all I can think about ever, is how easy it would be. She said, 'It is, but you go, I'm going after you'. Talk about a reason to stay alive, I would never want anything to happen to her! So eventually I was like why am I bothering her with all my problems so I told her to stop making me talk to her and to go out and do something fun. She told me that she was here weither I liked it or not.

So  really didn't respond to texts after that except for two people, one who I texted because I tried to go to sleep and couldn't becasue I was thinking so much, and another because he text me and I needed a distraction. So I text my guy friend, S, and he was really sweet. He's not the type of person I can talk to about things but I can talk to him about nothingness and be distracted from my life. So he was like 'I hope I'm your favorite guy friend to talk to'. So I told him that he didn't have to worry because pretty much all the guys I knew where being complete assholes, and then when he asked why I told him it was for different reasons but basically I feel like guys are nice to me and pretend to care because they know I'm crazy. His response: 'I think you're perfect <3'. Sweet, even coming from him. I said 'far from it' and he goes, 'well that's my opinion'. 

So then I get a phone call from my friend B, who is a mutual friend with J, and about two years younger than us. We really don't know each other that well yet, but he's a sweetheart and I absolutely love him! I didn't pick up but I listened to the voicemail right away. He said he was talking to J and that's why he called me, he was also a tad bit drunk :)

Anyway, I asked J later what she told him and I think that she told him more than what she told me she did, but I actually don't think I minded that much because it was him and his voicemail totally made up for it and it really did but me in a better mood. J called after I was texting her about his voicemail and we laughed on the phone for a good two hours about nonsense. But anyway he was like... he told me I'm hot like 20 times and that I'm the shit and I'm amazing and I have nothing to worry about because I'll get married and I'll get fucked (the part J isn't telling me she told him, only about two people in the world know how sensitive I am about being a virgin and how at 21 I already feel like I'm never gonna get married) and that I'll have kids and I'm an amazing dancer and he loves me. He started out with, 'I'm talking to Jen and I know you're having some problems right now but don't worry because...'. And just, it was just a hysterical voicemail. The two of them are coming down in a few weeks for my dance performance and then we're gonna go out that night after the show :)

My other two friends, T (I've known he since I was 3) and K (the one I spent NYE with) are also amazing and I think I've wrote of other times they were there for me and how they tell me they always will be. I didn't text either of them last night because I hate to bother people but K was the one that gave me the NYE lecture. So yeah, I woke up feeling a little bit better, although when I went to relisten to the voicemail I came across the voicemail from Renfrew summer of 2009 or whatever saying I needed to be in their IOP. I got a new phone so I was not expecting that, but it's whatever. Don't ask me why I don't just delete it, I really don't know.

I also talked to my friend S during the day, he's the one that transferred out of my school and left the country, but he always makes me laugh and I don't even have to tell him if anythings wrong he just always makes me feel better like he has a sixth sense of something, even online.

I love these people <3