She's got issues **trigger warning**

Third post of the day. My apologies... I'm obviously a bit bipolar. I mean... not really, I just have extreme highs and lows. Do with that what you want. I am also going to apologize ahead of time for not having inspiration in this post... maybe I'll get a little in the end for you guys, but I'm not just feelin it.

So I ate way way way too much today. I actually wanted to puke while eating at one point. I feel uber gross. I might hang out over the toilet for a while tonight and see what happens. I'm gonna pop a few ex-lax also... and I'll pick up more diet pills this week since I'm out of both green tea and hydroxycut, and I haven't had hoodia in a long time =/ 

**sigh**

I'm going to really restrict this week. I have to. I know I'll have no problems over the weekend because I will be dancing all day every day, literally. As for work... I'm gonna have to bring something. If I can avoid actually eating it... I will. 


I hate this. Why did I have to eat so much?
Because it's not under my control, that's why.


If it were up to me... I wouldn't eat at all. 


Or, hey, here's an idea... maybe I'd eat healthy. Normal. What a fuckin concept.


My tummy. It feels so huge. It feels so.... **gag**

I hate this feeling. I hate how no one who knows me understands this feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they've never experienced it... but they all think I'm crazy. I am crazy. Fuck.


I'm that crazy bitch. I'm that pyscho girl that's gonna end up in a mental institution one day. I 'm one of the most self destructive people ever! Why does it have to be so difficult for me to fucking like myself. 






I need sharper razors. I need to go to the art store. I need blades. Sharp, searing blades.










Plan for tomorrow. Get up. Write morning pages. Light workout in the apartment. Shower. Makeup and hair. Loud music. Lots of loud music. Go to work. Since I start at 11:30, pull off the big breakfast again? Or make a phone call at 1pm? I have to make a call between 1 and 4. When she goes for lunch, I'll dial the phone. I can't eat lunch. It's one of the scariest meals for me. Leave work... go straight to dance (hopefully). If I can get back to campus by 7pm, dance. Possibly hit up the gym after? I need to clean, and will need to shower... again. I hate feeling smelly. Go to sleep right away.


I feel as though I'm getting a cold. It's been like this a while. Pretty sure it's just allergies. I'll be spending the next three days with 2 cats. Awesome. I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Maybe a sweatshirt?


I am grotesque. I am such a joke. 


Even the boy (I hope by now you all realize who I mean by 'the boy') told me that when I'm with him I'm not aloud to cut. I mean... technically I'm not with him right now. Not physically, not as far as a relationship. We barely even speak. So, yeah. My internship has kept me away from my wrists. I guess that's a step forward.

Although my legs will never again be the same. Not that I ever cared for anyone to see them in the first place. If I need to, for this week... after work. If I feel like eating... in addition to the cigarettes I can chain smoke walking back from dance. I'll just make a drink. Nothing huge... but I never eat when alcohol is involved. So I'll get a few calories in here and there. It's whatever. Just one drink after work. I'll limit myself and keep it under control. I don't wanna be forever known as that wasted girl in class. I feel like that's why I'm not quite as close with the other dance majors as I used to be. 


People say they care... and then they leave. They can't deal with me.


I don't blame them. I can't deal with me either... I just spend every day of my life talking myself out of suicide. Sometimes I see the good in life. I see the little girls that look up to me, the people who are depending on me, the commitments I've already made...

I've never been one to take the easy way out. But I'm learning that there's a first for everything.
I'm sorry.

As if I'm not crazy enough...

So I had a kind of mini performance tonight. We had dress rehearsal at 5 and then opened at 8. I wear tights under all of my costumes... a) we have to wear a tan leotard under all our costumes and when that shit goes up your ass it's kind of hard to ignore b) no one sees my legs. ever. I don't even look at my legs.


Let's think about this. My legs are huge, flabby, and disgusting. They just don't look good. Not everyone has nice legs. No one wants to see that shit. Then just the fact that if my legs were to be exposed, I would physically feel uncomfortable and it would affect my dancing. It's hard enough dealing with the fact my arm flab is all over the fuckin place, it's just too much. And what else? Oh! How about the fact that there are scars covering my legs! Hip to knee. Old slashes going every which way... long white lines, short white lines... there for all to see.

I haven't had one of these tights situations since before the leg so that's just a whole other level that's been tacked on to everything. So anyway, after dress rehearsal we all talked a little and the dance instructor who was in charge of everything for this show calls me over. And she basically just wanted to tell me that it looks awkward that I'm the only one with tights on and I flat out told her I feel uncomfortable without them, I won't go on stage without them, whatever. And she was fine with it she just wanted it to be known she talked to me about the tights if the director said anything but she left the choice up to me so of course I wore them... but I started to cry, like really cry. 


And she's so sweet and she just got like really worried like... she did not expect that reaction at all from me, she didn't think tights could make me so emotional, yada yada. She was like I'm so sorry, I didn't know this was going to make you feel this way. And she wanted to know why I am so "attached" I guess, to my tights. So I told her, I don't look good without them, I feel uncomfortable. I was like, ask anyone in the costume shop I'm always the one causing problems and I always find a way to wear tights anyway. 


So she like tried to talk to me and tell me no one would be looking at my legs they would be looking at my dancing and the that I'm beautiful blah blah blah. She like couldn't even find the words though because she knows me, but not really well... and she was like I don't know why this is such a thing for you or whatever I just hope it's not... and she couldn't find the words. She was like actually kind of scared about the fact that I got so worked up over something so trivial and that I got so upset about it.


I
am
insane.


It's like seriously ridiculous how crazy I am. I hate it. I hate being crazy. I hate everything about this. I hate my life. Ughh... this needs to stop.

Whoops....

One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah. 


So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me. 


I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.


I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat. 


I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.

New Year. New Me?

So I'm back at school now. Sitting alone in my apartment. I feel kind of sad right now... but I really don't want to let that get to me. I would have come later but my parents had to help me with some technical stuff and I just had a lot of crap to unpack. 


So anyway, I haven't really done an update in a while so I thought I would tell you about me year so far... starting from New Years Eve of course.


A group of us (4-5) were planning on doing something together New Years Eve and like a day or two before I got in a huge fight with one of the girls (I've talked about her a lot in the past). Anyway because of that I didn't spend New Years with her in NYC. I ended up having absolutly nothing to do and during the day got an e-mail from her listing 20 things she can no longer talk to me about (ED, cutting, sex, boys, dance, the gym... it was basically everything). So that put me in a really bad mood (I had already been in a shit mood since Christmas Eve, which I'm sure you can tell from some of the last few posts). I starred at the e-mail for over an hour hysterical in tears thinking about what I horrible person I was and I was texting people to tell me jokes and just keep me distracted and whatever. 


So anyway, one of my other friends who was going to be with us NYE but had strep a few days earlier also had kind of a rough day. So we decided to get shitfaced together. Now, it doesn't take much to get me drunk... and I don't need to be wasted so I didn't get wasted, I got drunk. We missed the ball drop. She was lecturing me to ring in the new year. I really needed it though and I felt so much better after talking to her. She tried to get me to name three things about myself that I like, that when I look in the mirror I wouldn't want to change. I couldn't come up with anything. So she said that I need to find those things and in the mean time do things that make me feel good about myself, tanning is one of those things. She also assured me that, yes, while we don't talk as much as we used to... nothing has ever changed and she will always be there for me and would drive two hours to come see me and spend a weekend whenever I needed it. She also told me that our other friend would do the same. Now, the girl I spend NYE with really does know pretty much everything about me, always has. The other one... knows bits and pieces because I don't ever want her to worry... she will, she has. 


So she left and I went to bed, woke up the next morning drunk. I had some coffee, got dressed, and was really in the mood to go shopping at the mall (I bought a new mascara for $25, it's good... but I don't know if it's $25 worth good). So the girl I had been in the fight with wanted to stop by and drop of Christmas gifts for me and my mom... yeah. I hate when my friends are friends with my mom. Everyone likes her better than me but whatever. She came by and I was like I want to go to the mall, so a few hours later after she had showered we went to the mall. I got my mascara, and almost smuggled the most adorable puppy home! I named him Stanley. He is a puggle. And he's absolutely adorable! 


After leaving the mall we decided to see if the guy that was going to do our tattoos was in today. He said he would be around 4. So, we went back to her house for a little bit (first time I've ever been in there) where I got to hold a kitty and then we headed to the tattoo place. We went to school with the guy (her for 4 years and me for 1 because I transferred in and out of high school). He did remember my face though and he is amazing! Like, I want to hang out with him all the time. We spent almost 5 hours there because I couldn't figure out what font I wanted and the size was hard, but he did it little for me! It was so much fun though like seriously I could hang out there all day. He came in just for me so it was just the three of us and he let me put my ipod in so the whole (little) tattoo parlor was blasting Blood on the Dance Floor songs... to which I was dancing the ENTIRE time. 


I seriously love when I meet people and can immediately be myself with them because it's extremely rare for me. And we talked a lot and he's pretty good looking :) 


But it was just the most amazing experience of my life. I was like his 60th tattoo ever! And it was free I just gave him a tip. Oh my God, he was so so patient! And he was just like you two are insane it was so much fun I can't even describe it I would live those few hours over and over again if I could. Some of the stuff you just had to be there, like the sound effects he was making, especially when we left. Hysterical. 


It was hard for me though and super awkward because it's on my forearm/wrist where I have scars and obviously he could see them and to get it in the spot I want it I was like 'you see that line, that's where the E goes' because the tattoo does overlap with the scarring. The last E was the most painful and is still a little red and looks kinda odd because it's on the old scar tissue but it's fine. I think I like it more that way. He didn't ask about the scars either, he just said he saw it and lined it up the way I asked. My friend said she was proud of me for letting someone stare at my wrist for so long (and so closely) because I get this weird feeling when my wrist is exposed. I also feel so close to him now because he knows that now and has seen my wrist and because he gave me an awesome tattoo and was just the most amazing guy ever to hang out with.


So after that we planned on drinking with the girl I spent NYE with. She text me on our way back she had the worst night so we picked her up immediately and went to my house to drink. Didn't get wasted. But it was so so much fun. She had to leave that night and the other girl stayed over. Sometime in the night we skyped a friend of ours which was so fun and I was talking to another friend I haven't talked to in a while from school and we're going to try to get together more. I really hope it works he's so sweet and amazing. He knows about the ED now because I showed him my new tattoo and then told him how I almost got a second one right there. But my second one is the red/purple NEDA thing on the back of my neck. I want to be fully recovered when I get that one so it's a symbol of my recovery and what I've overcome and I told him it was a recovery thing but wouldn't say anymore. And he goes 'oh wait, is that the NEDA symbol?' So yeah, and he's been around me with food in the past and told me he was worried about me and always wanted to make sure I was eating. 


But he was so sweet about it and asked if I was recovered, I said no I was working on it and he said he's cheering for me. I really do hope I get to see him more. I miss him. So that was the end of my night last night, attempted to youtube the ball drop and had the PERFECT timing but our video just showed coupled making out so it was a total fail. 


Then I just packed and headed back to school where I am sitting now and writing to all of you :)
I really do like that I got my tattoo on the first day of the year, and part of the reason it's there is a) dance and b) so I'll be less likely to cut my wrist.
Haha, before he started I was freaking out with the sound of it and him and my friend AT THE SAME TIME just said 'breathe'. It made my day, really. 

So things may be looking up for me a little bit. The new year so far has been treating me well. And now I have this amazing permanent reminder so I don't go and fuck things up again.

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you who's worse.

There is no comparison between scars. No two are the same...


There's a reason for every location, a use for every sharp object. 
The blood may drip... or maybe just show.
The reason why is never the same, it relieves us all in our own way.


There is a first, a second, a third, all the way to the last...
but remember, no two scars are alike... don't assume to understand someone else's pain when you're only there for yourself.
We are not that alike.


So tell me, how deep will you go?

Don't worry, I'm fine. Haven't cut a while now. Just something that came out of my head this morning that I wanted to get down in writing. It's not just about cutting, but more general than that. Only a few people even claim to know me really well, and they really don't know me at all.


Funny world we live in, isn't it?