So I just fuckin destroyed my leg... like legit. It's burnin like a mother fucker and I got some serious welts. I mean, part of me is like... you deserve this, you're a piece of shit, you should suffer. And then there's this tiny part of me that's like... what the fuck have you become? What are you doing to yourself right now? What is wrong with you?
My whole leg is actually throbbing right now it's that bad... and like... I have dance all day and have to teach pilates so yeah I'm gonna be feelin it... probably for more than just today actually. And part of me is just like... wants to cry. I wish I had someone who knew, someone who I could call, someone who would come over and just protect me from myself. I scare myself sometimes... I really do.
I don't even know what happened. I was about to take a shower... and then I got my razors out... and I think I only intended to make one little cut... just something... and then... I really don't know. My leg is just such a mess right now. I don't know why I'm like this... I don't know why I can't cry. I really really just want to cry right now and its just not happening. And I want to scream. And I want to break things. I'm just so pissed off... at myself mostly. At what I'm doing to myself. What I've become.
This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want people to know me. Seriously, this just brings up the point again of who is ever going to love me. I'm completely fuckin insane. Something is wrong with me.
One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah.
So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me.
I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.
I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat.
I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.
There is no comparison between scars. No two are the same...
There's a reason for every location, a use for every sharp object.
The blood may drip... or maybe just show.
The reason why is never the same, it relieves us all in our own way.
There is a first, a second, a third, all the way to the last...
but remember, no two scars are alike... don't assume to understand someone else's pain when you're only there for yourself.
We are not that alike.
So tell me, how deep will you go?
Don't worry, I'm fine. Haven't cut a while now. Just something that came out of my head this morning that I wanted to get down in writing. It's not just about cutting, but more general than that. Only a few people even claim to know me really well, and they really don't know me at all.
Funny world we live in, isn't it?
