Back to school

So I'm back at school. Already ate more than I wanted to today (and it's only like 6-something) but it really isn't bad... just more than I wanted. 


I'll eat less during the week in class cause I'll be busier. It's just these damn nights. I hate not having places to go every night of the week like when I'm home. I'll survive. I think.


It's just for two weeks. I have class all this week, and finals all next week. Well, really, I'm done with finals Wednesday night. Then Thursday I have a 'hiring interview' for my internship to get all the paperwork done and make it official and then Friday I just have Pilates exams. I'll be home by next Friday night (the 10th) and I'll go out that night, I should be back early enough for at least a movie or something.


I'm just kind of ranting as I sit here wrapped up in a polka dot blanket watching Teen Nick, Coke Zero in hand... ugh, which is gross, I hate soda. Anyway, I'll try to do a daily update tomorrow, I think it should be a good day. 

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 


I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 


Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.

Scratch that....

Well... you can disregard that last post. My friend that I was goin out with... it totally bailing. Our original plan was to go out about 2 hours ago and get some tanning in but then she didn't have the money for that so I was gonna go tanning on my own which I haven't gotten around too and then she wanted to work on homework for a while meaning we would go out later in the day but 2 hours later and she texts me with a million excuses.


Cool friends.

Feel good song, feel good day?

Every single night we fight to get a little high on life
To get a little something right, something real, at least we try

Pretty much gonna be my theme song from the night. Then again, what isn't my theme song at one point or another??


Hoping tonight is a good night, especially after a felt sick all  morning. Damn allergies. I can't even tell you how long I was laying on my bathroom floor for. And I dried my hair while kneeling over the toilet, yeah... I was that sick.


I'm fine now. I managed to get some dry food down. I'm gonna ease up on the pills for today just cause I wasn't feelin so hot this morning and I know I'm gonna be drinkin later. I need to go tanning too... I got a free birthday tan at Hollywood Tans so maybe I'll print that out and once my mom brings my car back I'll head out.


I just wanna dance =) Haha... which is my like.... all the time! I know! I gotta charge/sync my ipod. I really hope I'm not driving tonight.... wasted wayyy too much gas on nothing last night. 

I'm just gonna forget everything and drunk off my ass tonight... forget all the shit I've been through, the shit I'm going through, the fact that I have no one... I'm just gonna have fun. I'm not gonna care about anything. 

Going out for dinner tonight.

I'm nervous.


I've looked at the menu and picked out what I can try. I won't finish it. The biggest problem... this place just opened, like, just. Two days ago. And it's not like a chain... which means I can't get any of the nutrition information online. Ughh...

No use crying over spilled milk....

So I had to get up to get my car inspected today. I had just enough time to chug my coffee and throw on a bra and some eyeliner. Then on the way back (right around the corner from my house) I dodged yet another speeding ticket. To tell the truth between my allergies making me nauseous and the fact that I'm on my period right now, I thought I was gonna throw up.


So anyway, I get home, went to the bathroom, and felt much better. So I decided to have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I make my cereal and I'm on my way up to my room when what happens? I trip over a fucking stick! See, there have been all these robberies in the neighborhood and my mom's totally paranoid about someone breaking into our house so there are sticks in all the doors... this one runs from the bottom of the door to the bottom of the stairs so it can't be kicked in. Well, I tripped over it and there was milk and cereal ALL over the stairs. So I throw my phone angrily at the floor, the stick across the room and stomp into the kitchen for a wad of dripping wet paper towels to clean the wood stairs with. 


When I'm done cleaning most of the mess I take my bowl of cereal and throw it in the sink. I just didn't want it anymore. Of course then my mothers asks, 'You're not going to eat your cereal?' No. I don't know why this made me so angry to the point were I now refuse to eat the damn cereal. It's like it's the cereals fault for making such a mess. I think I was also a little angry to discover when my mom picked up milk for me knowing I would be home she got 1% instead of fat free. I feel as though she did this somewhat on purpose because I still think the whole world is trying to make me fatter. And now, I am almost on the verge of tears. All over a stupid bowl of fucking cereal.


Fuck.