I know I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Okay... so I think it's about time I ease up on the ex-lax. Or just go back to regular instead of extra strength... or don't take them literally at the same time as diuretics. I've been doing a lot of writing lately... I'll have to get some of it on here. Some is good (as in hopeful) some is not... 


My hair is really fading... I have so much sharpie in it right now and it's still got blonde spots cause it's difficult to color the back of your own head with a marker. It might be about time for a touch up. It has been a few weeks. I really do love this color though. I wanna keep it forever and ever.... Ha... or at least until my hair is long and I can do straight up purple.


So I kept watching the video for "Gunnin'" last night. I think the reason it was so intense for me is that I can see myself as that girl, I do the things she did, I cry when I see the numbers on the scale... I remember a few summers ago when I hit 120... it was the worst feeling ever for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop crying. And then I always have these thoughts that no one would ever want me... especially because of how crazy I am. And I know that there are no guys out there like in the video. The part when he pulls her shirt down and wraps his arms around her without saying anything really gets to me every time. And when he's outside the bathroom door. It really is a sad video though. 


I've also been listening to "Perfect" by Hedley a lot. Really, I've been listening to Hedley for the last two days. They are an amazing band. 


There's some shit goin' on with J right now. And yeah...we'll see. I need her to talk to me about something and she's just avoiding it which means it actually is a big deal to her which can't be good cause it affects me too. It's difficult to explain.


I have a headache right now... I need to leave for auditions soon. I have like hours of auditions followed by three hours of rehearsal. I should be done by 10pm. I really just don't want to move at all today though. I went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yeah, that happened. I wanna go to bed now. I mean, I just showered and did my hair and makeup... but my heads killing me, I'm exhausted, and it didn't make me feel any better. 


I feel so fucking bloated and fat. I just can't get rid of my stomach. And my arms are so gross. They need to go so I can wear something cute to my blacklight party. And the hips need to go to... obviously. And my legs are huge, always have been. Even when I was under 100 pounds my legs were always too big. 


I really wish auditions weren't mandatory. I'm not going to be in any of the pieces that are auditioning today anyway. And my left arm hurts. I've actually had a brace on my wrist for the last week. Well....I haven't worn it in two days even though it still hurts cause it bothers me and I can't read my 'breathe' tattoo with it on.


Fucking headache.


I should go.

The perfection of my frailty has been questioned and broken....

This is the most intense music video I've ever seen... I really can't stop watching it... and it just makes me feel... yeah I dunno. Seriously, it gives me chills though...especially the first time she's looking in the mirror and he comes up behind her.

So I'm not doing that great today... but I'll get through it. I'll figure it out somehow.

BLACKLIGHT PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I'm throwing a blacklight party in a few weeks with glowing drinks, a stobe light, and lots of dancing to loud music. I have blacklight posters and things so random stuff in my tiny little apartment glow. It's great! I splattered smiley face balloons with glow paint. I just wish I could hang them or something.

Yeah so I had my own little blacklight dance party by myself one night and went a little paint happy. I hung this over the bathroom door. Haha, I always say 'rawr'... it makes me intimidating :)

Wooo balloons! Ha. I'm such a child. I love it though. For the most part I've been in a really good mood the last two weeks. Hopefully it'll last. I'm basically gonna be cramming as many people in my apartment as possible (hopefully a lot of people show up). I made some rules and an official poster, with glow paint, and hung it above my closet door right near the blacklight so everyone can see! Haha :)

love.

This girl's gonna be alright.

Breathe, it will be okay.

You gotta keep your head up, you are gonna turn out fine

Love. And also... just some random things and answers to questions...

The 'poem' that inspired my newest tattoo, which was really a post by Jen Lemen's blog is on my breathe page down at the bottom if you want to read it.

And as far is it hurting... it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most of it was just tingling which is fine and then a few spots were like really bad but they didn't last long... then the hearts, which are a mix of on my boob and my ribcage near my armpit, were kind of like... well I didn't know if it hurt or tickled... it was a strange sensation. 

So now it's healing... I still can't wear a bra, which is awesome when I'm dancing all day and always at the gym! Haha, I'm managing though. It's a little sore when my clothes rub up against it so I'm just being careful because I want it to heal nicely :)