Well it's official...

I am now on a one year medical leave of absence from school (whether or not I return will be decided at the end of that year)... I'm looking into treatment programs... probably IOP or something... I'll keep seeing my current psychiatrist even though I'm moving home...

And I'm planning on restricting -_-

Majorly triggered/upset myself tonight in terms of my eating disorder... also... well I don't know where my mood is but I'm very impulsive and if I had a capable human being here right now at 1am I would be chopping all of my hair off.

I'm also SUPER itchy... paranoid about a rash but there's nothing there... I just itch like hell.

Okay... well... night I guess.

xx

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to update you guys for the past two weeks and everyday something new happens and it gets more and more overwhelming to have to type it all out... I'll just make a list and see what I can go into detail about.

• Started lamictal (take my last 25mg tomorrow and then move on to 50mg)
• Started talking/hanging out with J again... its like nothing's changed
• My dad's uncle died Monday... I didn't really know him well but still.
• MY friend K (have I talked about her before) have 3 tumors, one with cancer cells which may or may not be active... at this point she doesn't wanna do chemo.
• I'm on the anxiety medication... haven't taken more than 2 at a time so far
• Took some fat burners Tuesday (4) and 2 yesterday morning along with a bottle of smirnoff ice before 9am

So yeah... I really really need to get on here more and track my moods and things...

OH... forgot the almost killing myself part... yeah, I'm fine... I just really wanted to crash my car... parked down by a river for like over an hour... don't worry I'm fine.

SO sick right now though and I feel SUPER fat and huge and disgusting and I just wanna cut it all off.

Still wanting to withdraw from school...

Still making 'attempts' at purging but not getting very far...

STILL not recovered... from anything... go figure... I doubt I ever will, I should honestly just kill myself. But fuck.

Whatever... I'm fine... seriously gonna work on more updates... maybe once I withdraw from school I can make that happen.

xx

Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.

Peace.

xx

Quick Updates

So, I haven't been on here much... I am hoping to be posting more frequently because journaling has been really helpful for me in the past and with all of the new things going on in my life, I think I need it to help me sort out my thoughts.

Let's start with just the past few weeks... a few major events in my life and I'll leave it at that because trying to fill you in on everything since then is just way to overwhelming.

So I'm back in therapy. Yup... I went back. I'm actually seeing a psychiatrist now. I'm very comfortable talking to him and I like the way he treats me. He is beginning to weigh me every week although I don't have to know my weight just yet. Eventually he wants me to see is and learn to accept it. 

Really though, we're focusing much more on my mood than we are on my eating disorder behaviors. I'm doing pretty well in terms of food with a few exceptions here and there.

So yes... my mood... I've been diagnosed with bipolar type II. Fun stuff, right? So, he wants me on lamictal. I'm still thinking about it... not quite ready to go that route though. He is really trying to help me with self injury and also wants me on an as-needed anti anxiety medication for when I get really overwhelmed or get the urge to cut. That one, I may fill the prescription for... even if I'm not sure I'll use it, just to have it around. He said it's a low dosage and he would only fill a quantity that wasn't really bad. It was actually my concern to have a bottle of medication on hand for when times were rough.

That's all I'm going to say about that right now...

Another thing, in addition to now being in grad school... I have a boyfriend. We can call him D. It's a new thing and I'm still getting use to it. He's great though and very supportive of everything. It's been "official" for about 2 weeks now... but I only see him once a week since he's back home and I'm up at school again.

For now that's all, I'm going to try to get on here more frequently so you can all know every detail of my life once again :P

Oh Hai!

Okay... so some updates since I'm a terrible blogger during the summer.

1) One of my dance teachers made a comment about my losing weight the other day... I don't think I have... but she apparently does. She gave me that 'look'... I know she was just bringing it to my attention cause we both know if it goes to far she's gonna have a lot more to say about it.

2) I have to call about 8.000 doctors tomorrow and finally figure a few things out and get a physical, hahaha.

Yeah.. so I had another 'incident' today. Oh... and I had one the other week... a period-related one... dunno if I talked about that already or not... pretty sure it was like my entire last post.

So anyway, this morning... I woke up... had a 100cal. starbucks and took a shower. I get out of the shower and I'm sitting on my bed and just start swaying... my entire room was like spinning around me, I was nauseous, super dizzy/lightheaded, really short of breath, and my heart was racing. 

So after a little over an hour of this not getting better and my getting ready for 30seconds then laying down then getting ready for 30seconds then laying down over and over... I go into my mom's room. By the time I get to her room I needed to be laying down so I just got in her bed and told her my room wouldn't stop spinning.

I had gotten some crackers and finished them and was now drinking water. 

So we took my HR and then went downstairs to do my BP and nothing was SUPER high but she wanted to take me to Urgent Care... I was feeling a bit better by then but she didn't want me driving so she dropped me off at dance and took me in to tell my teachers what happened.

So anyway, now I need a physical. Full blood work, in addition to getting tested for anemia (which may be included in that) and an EKG. She thinks I may have the same heart condition she has. Go figure. Watch me end up strapped to a monitor for a week -_-

I also need to get another MRI for my back. It looks like I have an acute lordosis and a fusion. The guy who did the MRI's years ago turned out to be a pedophile and made shit up in the reports which I just realized.

Fail.

Okay... well that's all for now.

Shit Day

You know you have a problem when you're on the floor of the locker room about to pass out, in the most excrutiating pain of your life, drenched in sweat, white as a ghost and you just tell the people trying to help you "I'm fine. It happens sometimes."


Yup... welcome to my life. 


So, the morning was fine. I got my period. You know... shit happens. Took some advil cause of cramps.


I had a bit of a break between dance camp and physical therapy so I was home. Then I went to PT and we started with a deep friction massage (kind of OW today) and then the ultrasound which I started yesterday... after a little while the ultrasound was REALLY hurting my knee... like I can't even explain what it felt like but it was so painful and so I told the PT and it felt better when the ultrasound wasn't on. Then all the sudden I felt like I was gonna pass out or puke or I dunno and I started sweating and got really white. So she got me some water and I drank some and felt better in a few minutes. We decided since the ultrasound was hurting anyway that we were done with it and she asked if I wanted to do stim and ice. I felt better so I said I could handle it. We were trying to figure out why I felt sick... it could have been because of pain. Then I realized I got my period today. 


Bingo. That's it. I dunno if the pain from the ultrasound was a part of it... it's possible. After like... I dunno... 2 minutes I asked one of the girls to take the ice off. I said I just needed to find a bathroom and then get home. Got in the bathroom and was feeling even worse. Managed to get myself out of the bathroom and to my locker to get my phone to call my mom to pick me up. It's about a 15-20 minute drive. It took her about a half hour to get there. That whole half hour was a blur. The locker room is really tiny and it's like carpet like the rest of the place and I just needed to lay down and have my knees into my chest because my cramps where so bad. My PT brought me some pillows, a cold compress, an ice pack, and heat for my stomach. I was progressivly getting worse. The PT place is in a whole medical facility so like two woman came in... two? I dunno there were so many people in such a small room and one was trying to put my feet up on a really high bench and I was like... my head was getting better, I wasn't as lightheaded on the floor and the heat was helping cramps but she didn't want the heat on me cause I was sweating and I just wanted my feet down and I finally got her off my back and I kept switching sides and burying my face in the pillows and then sitting in a child's pose type position and then back on my side. 


So my mom walks in... first thing she says, "You got your period today?"


I got up and we got my stuff together (oh, I also managed some advil after I called my mom) and I got up but kept my body forward and kept telling people I needed to be upside down... which we had to stop about twice on the way to the car so I could be upside down. I felt better on the drive home. I laid down on my side with the seat back and we had the air on. I laid down for a bit when I got home and was feeling a lot better so I went to ballet. 


I was trying not to cry in ballet... not totally sure what was going on I was just kinda in a mood from everything but the storm and brownouts where making me feel better.


I got home and was okay but then going through e-mails realized I was late for a lot of stuff (Background Check and Child Abuse forms) so I filled everything out which is always a struggle for me and we're sending in the rest of the stuff tomorrow, my mom's gonna take care of it for me. But then I was freaking out cause this is probably why I haven't gotten my placement yet and now I'm gonna get something I really don't want and ugh. 


Oh... we're going to Hawaii which I really don't want to go but my family was being ugh I don't even want to get into it so we're going and I've been saying I don't wanna go to beaches and shit and my dad mentioned snorkeling before and I don't want to do it but no one gives a shit and after I finish everything I'm going upstairs and my dad goes "Buy a bathing suit, we're going snorkeling." And that's when I started to cry.


I just don't want to be a part of my life anymore.

Vent Sesh

I'm hating everything right now... and hating myself for hating things cause if it weren't for my screwed up brain things would be going pretty damn decent right now. I mean... I might not have any friends... but I'm doing what I love and having fun and for the most part keeping busy and making some money. 


But no. I have to be fucked up and not able to enjoy anything in life.


I haven't cut since July 8th... I really want to though. I probably won't tonight though. Don't have the energy. I ate SO much today. I mean, okay... I dunno. I just feel disgusting. I'll probably restrict tomorrow... and go back on fat burners for about a week or so.  


I just don't know what's wrong with me... and there's so many things in my head, and I can't even begin to form sentences or put words together. Right now there's no words. No thoughts. Just the way I feel in my body. That's it. 


I just... I need to be skinny again so badly. I can't take this anymore. I really, really can't. I wish stepping on a scale would just trigger me back into anorexia instead of making me suicidal. Wow...  now there's a fucked up thought for you. Talk about having issues...


I should be in therapy... I just can't bring myself to ask my parents again. I can't. Cause then they worry and my mom asks questions and every time I fuck up my mom ends up in the hospital. 


I'm more convinced than ever that I'm bipolar. I really am... part of me wants to find out for sure, like, maybe having that diagnosis will make me feel less crazy... but I don't want it to mess up my career and I don't want to end up using it as an excuse. I mean, I've never been that type of person, but who knows. I feel like I might be ready to hear that... mentally... but then what if I'm really not? Then I'm just some crazy fucktard who can't control her moods or emotions. I'm just the 22 year old girl who can't physically take care of herself. I'm just overdramatic about everything. 


Ugh... I dunno. I just need to get rid of all this damn fat so I can have some room to think! Like... I try to think, or concentrate, or focus... and I can't. There's nothing in my head. Just how physically disgusting I feel.


I am physically more comfortable in a smaller body. Unless you've been different sizes, you don't understand how physically different it feels to be in one body vs. another. 
The difference in what it feels like walking with your thighs touching or not. 
The difference in being able to stand up straight and suck in your belly or not.
The different in laying on your back and feeling a double chin or not.
The different in waving your arm and feeling all the flab jiggle or not.
You don't know what it's like unless you've been at both ends. And once you have... you learn your preference. You learn where you're comfortable. You learn what feels good.


This... this doesn't feel good. Speaking of not feeling good... my ovaries are on fire. Pretty sure I just got my period. Just this second. Fuck my life. Let the bloating begin!! Ugh. I knew it was coming. The amount of chocolate I've been consuming was a clear sign. The pickle cravings probably too. 


But anyway. I should go to bed. I'm still getting over being sick from 2 weeks ago and now think I'm already starting to get sick again. Like seriously? Fuck that.