"I may punch a bitch mid-performance"

So, first of all, I have so much to say right now that I don't even know where to start. I'm in the blah-est mood ever. And I honestly couldn't be happier about that considering this afternoon.

I need to get around to commenting on everyone else's posts, I've been reading snipets here and there but I had dance for legit 12 hours each day this weekend. It was like an intense workshop/performance thing. Anyway, not gonna go into to many details about what it was or what happened because I'm over it... but basically I was putting up with this girl's bullshit all weekend, feeling like absolute SHIT, and yeah... she just went over the top. She ended up pushing me on stage, not to shove me, but to make me go faster kind of thing. But regardless, not okay. You do not PUSH me. 


And just a little extra info... the reason I wasn't running soon enough/fast enough was because I nearly sprained my ankle getting up... so pushing me really wasn't helping. And also, just a fact of life, this girl needs to realize that not everyone's body consists of 4 feet of legs. Kay? Thanks.

Anyway, I've seriously never been so pissed in all my life. And for so long... at another person. I was actually livid. I wanted to punch her in the fucking face and would have if it happened again or if she did one more thing to piss me off. And I know I say that a lot... but I really did almost punch her. I couldn't even be in the same room as her, that's how bad it was. After the runs we did some stuff against a garage door and used it to make noise. Oh my God. I pounded the SHIT out of that fucking door. 


So, whatever. Over it. Over her.


Oh but actually... something else I should say about that. This girl thinks she's fuckin' hot shit. She's one of those girls who knows she's pretty and an amazing dancer and says she isn't all the time for attention. She's so fuckin' into herself. Whatever, that's cool. She can do her thing. But I think it's great that this bitch thinks EVERYONE always has their eyes on her... little does she know everyone was watching me. Haha, apparently the lighting on the stage made me look like really good or something. Go figure!


My teacher came downstairs after tech (when I was pushed) and I was in the bathroom splashing water on my face so you couldn't tell I was crying and she came in and asked me if I had been crying, which I denied. I just told everyone it was cause I still wasn't feeling well, they all knew I was sick all weekend. And then we were talking and she was like, you looked really breautiful in that piece. And then she starts going on about my eyeliner and how amazing it is, haha. She's so cute. Then our stage manager for our ensemble shows cut me off and was like, I wanted to tell you how good you looked in that piece and with that lighting! She was like I looked up and was like, "Wow, Nicole is stunningly beautiful" and then she pointed me out to the lighting designer and was like, doesn't she look so pretty? To which he agreed. Ha. So FUCK YOU BLONDIE!

I mean, everyone could see I was pissed off. I know my teacher tends to tell me how good I look, pretty I am, how beautiful my dancing was in class that day when she see's I'm kind of out of it. But the stage manager didn't really see me crying, that I know of. But I she had to know I was pissed. Believe me, everyone could tell. Everyone was asking me if I was okay, it was one of those kind of moods. Plus, did I mention how hard I pounded the garage door?


I'm "in dialogue" with J right now... finally. I didn't call her a bitch so no worries :) Although it wouldn't be the first time. When we get into fights they tend to be pretty heated. She was taken by surprise with the letter I sent her last week and thought it was so sincere and everything (which it really was)... but after I told her about me and the boy she felt like I wrote it out of guilt. 

Thing is, I realized your letter was written after you slept with [the boy]. It makes me think the letter was written mainly out of guilt. When I first got it, I was really happy and thought you were really sincere...now I feel like it was written for all the wrong reasons...I was so happy that at the beginning of this week things were really back to normal between us but now I have a bit of a dif perspective on things

And then she goes on explaining why she's been acting the way she had. All understandable reasons.  Then there was this part toward the end...

I really don’t even know how to bring this next thing up. Basically it absolutely KILLS me to see what you’re doing to yourself. What you’re doing to yourself really breaks my heart. I love you and I can’t stand seeing you do these things to yourself. 

I hate that part.


We were both so happy to be talking again after the St. Patty's Day fight and that we were getting along fine... but then I told her about the boy. So I responded to each part of her message, going through it to make sure I cleared things up where they needed to be cleared up, showed support where it was needed, and explained myself where needed. We always go back and forth with these long messages and each go through each section and respond to every part... even if it's just "I don't know what to say about...". It works I guess, we both get time to choose our words wisely and we each get to say our part without ever being interrupted. We make sure every point is addressed. So anyway at the end of my response was this...

So I guess… my one question is… has any of that changed since I told you about [the boy]? Other than you feeling like the letter was written out of guilt (which is wasn’t)?
I want to fix things between us. Things were going so great and we were finally talking again and then I told you about [the boy] and it all went away. I don’t want that to come between us.

Her response to that portion of the message:

My question with [the boy]...you asked when you told me if I was mad or angry or whatever? what I want to know is what you thought my reaction would be?

Answering a question with a question. So I still don't have an answer... and may not until tomorrow due to the lack of internet connection she is going to be having the rest of the night and the fact that her phone apparently has water damage. So anyway... I responded to that with a very honest answer...

i honestly don't know what i thought your reaction would be. i know that even before that just when i was talking to him and you thought something might happen, i didnt expect it to affect you so much... and i still dont fully understand why it did... but it is what it is i guess. i guess i thought you might be upset, which is why i wasnt really sure if i should/how i should tell you. but at the same time, not telling you would make me feel like i was lying to you or hiding something from you and i didnt want to do that either. i felt like you should know what happened either way... but i didn't know what to expect from telling you. i know not hearing from you for 5 days wasn't something i was expecting. that's why i kept asking you if you were okay with it... because if your aren't i would hope you could talk to me about it. i dont want to be the reason your ever unhappy. i dont want anything to be the reason your unhappy. but.. yeah, so i guess short answer... i really dont kno.it was legit one of those text where i sent it, held my breath, questioned sending it, and then when you responded i couldnt read it right away type things.

So that's where things are right now with J. I really want to figure out why this is all such a big deal to her... but if she doesn't want to tell me... that's her choice. I'm not going to push her to. I just wish she would.


I hope you guys are all well. Again, sorry for not being around to comment much this weekend. This next week is going to be pretty hectic too but I'll work things out.

Oh... and piercing update. The barbell turned in on Friday I think... and I physically can not fit my fingers in to put it back the direction it belongs. It's not uncomfortable, I just want it to heal correctly. I don't want to mess with it a lot either, and I haven't been. But it's turned so far in you really can't even tell its there. If I have time tomorrow I'll call the piercer (the one that switched the barbell for me) and ask her what she thinks and if I should stop in to have her fix it for me. She's about 10 minutes from my internship (which is an hour from my apartment). I don't have anything for her though as far as a tip and I would want to give her at least a few dollars.


Okay, well that's enough from me. I'm super thirsty so I'm gonna go drink a few gallons of something ;-)