New Book & Some Thoughts

So I've decided to start a "RECOVERY BOOK". I currently have two books related to my ED but I want something recovery focused... something to remind me to keep going, keep fighting. The others were meant to be that way but I still have parts in it that are negative only in that I was fighting myself. I don't want to fight myself. I have no one to defend me.


So I am going to put my post about luck (2 posts ago) and my letter from my 80 year old self (probably as the first thing). I want like a scrap book size... but I dunno if I want a scrap book... maybe. I want to be able to put pictures and stickers and decals on the pages and still be able to close the book. I want a list of reasons to recover. A list of things I like about myself. I want everything positive. 


I want to remember why I'm doing this and why it's so important. I want to find myself, figure out who I am, and keep fighting to be free. I want this more than anything. 


OH! And I think I may get my Subway salad tomorrow... and if not tomorrow, than next week!!


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Now, umm... just some stuff that's been going through my head. Kind of a huge fear of mine I guess... well... not fear, but something scary. It's just that... I have no idea if what I see in the mirror is true. For all I know, my own eyes are deceiving me. My brain is deceiving me. I don't know the truth about myself. I may have no idea what I really look like. I may distort the images of myself in photographs... I just don't see what the rest of the world is seeing. 


And that scares the CRAP out of me. I don't even know how to explain it... the feeling of not knowing if you can trust even your own eyes. How can I ever trust someone else when I am playing these evil little tricks on myself every moment of every day? I feel lost. I feel scared. I'm so confused.


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Just a random side note here... I keep thinking about the boy... and how he kissed my scars... how he told me he would do anything he could to try to get me to smile... how he wants me to take care of myself... he doesn't want me to hurt myself... how he kissed my scars...