Numbed Out

I knew my good mood wouldn't last long...

I'll try to keep this short-ish. I ate a "normal" amount today, I guess... but dinner was hard. I was a wreak after... still recuperating. I talked to S (my friend in Italy) before dinner and I feel like we're growing apart after 2 years of him being gone... I hate that.


Note to self: Forcing yourself to be happy when your really not only makes things worse.


J called and was obviously upset about something so I picked her up and we hung out for like 2 hours. I was not all there. All I keep thinking is how much of a fucking failure I am that I can't even eat like a real person. If I can't do that then what the hell am I ever gonna be able to do? I'm just an all-around failure and there's nothing that I can do about it.


I started getting chest pains about 30 minutes ago... they've died down a bit. Sometimes my collarbones will hurt... usually before I get chest pain... that started like... 2 hours ago. Every little thing just seems to be setting me off lately. 


I'm feeling a lot more numbed out now. I didn't cry... came close... but no tears. I just pushed all the feelings down and put on a happy face...


I know they're going to come back, only worse. That's what happens when you bottle up your emotions. Oh well...


I don't really know what to say right now.