Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

 

Spent the day in bed....

Obviously not....

So it was just one of those days where I was kinda depressed, didn't get out of bed until about 2ish and then I spent the rest of the day (it's around 8pm now) laying on my futon watching TV and playing games online.


I didn't go to a single class today (I've already missed too many and am failing two of them that I had today) and it's the last week of classes. Finals start on Monday (my 21st birthday). So anyway.... I need to right 22 journals for one class, I have 4 weeks of reading/journals for another, I have to finish 3-4 journals for another class, I need to right 2 papers on performances, a paper on the set of RENT, plus 3 papers on performances for world musics (one of which I still haven't seen), and of course study for my finals and my pilates exams next week. I also have to go to the place I'm doing my internship next week to fill out all of the paperwork and make it official. Oh! And I have to order dancewear for the company. Cool. Plus my dance I'm choreographing needs to be finished this weekend and taught to the dancers so it's completed for Tuesday. Wow. And psychology quizzes. Shit.... I think we still have like 2 of them. Ugggh.


I feel so lazy.... just sitting around doing nothing today when there was so much to do. I haven't even showered yet... and I realllllllly need to shower. I also have to do laundry. I'm gonna try to get work done tonight and take care of all the hygiene issues in the morning just to keep me busy. I didn't even read or paint my nails. I legit did nothing. I haven't left my room obviously.... and I don't plan on it unless I go out for a cigarette.... but I think I'm gonna wait until tomorrow for a smoke since I'm being so lazy today. Going out for a smoke would require at least a little eyeliner. Blehh. Oh... and I need to wash dishes. Or at least put them in the dishwasher.

My plans for tomorrow....
-get up and shower/do laundry
-straighten hair... do makeup nice and wear some jewelry
-go to class in CLOTHES (not sweats)
-chill in my apartment for a while.... clean, get some work done?
-drive my friend to the liquor store
-dance 130-730
-come back to my apartment to do work and SLEEP (I will probably go to the gym at night)


I am only planning on having coffee, water, diet pills, and possibly half of a pomegranate fuze slenderize tomorrow. Not healthy, I know. 


Thursday morning I have my private pilates session and then I want to use that free tan at Hollywood Tans. I'll actually go to all of my classes (bring my laptop with me and probably do a 'daily update' for you guys).  I also have rehearsal so I'll be out later Thursday and need to be up at 6am on Friday. I should e-mail the bookstore back and see if I can get some hours for Friday, Sunday, and all of next week during finals.


I am so so excited for winter break though. I really need this and I did so well at home, it just wasn't long enough. Maybe being back for longer I'll get into a habit that I can finally bring back to school with me. I want to go out like every night. I'll probably skip most dinners, but that's fine. Once I loose the weight I'll be happy again and then I can ease myself into being healthy again. Please don't treat yourselves the way I treat myself. I'm a terrible role model.

Oh wow... and I still haven't unpacked from break, or from moving in.... damn. I have so much to do. I feel like the more I have to do, the less I get done.... if that makes any sense at all. Not really. Shit, writing it all out makes me realize how far behind I really am. I know that I say this every single term, but next term I'm going to do good. I really really am. Or at least I'll try.


Sorry most of my posts are so long! I guess I just have a lot to get off my chest all the time and this is the only place I can really do it.


You guys are amazing though! I love you all, especially if you actually read the nonsense I go on about everyday.

I just want to go home.

Now.

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Updating Pages

Hello!!!


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).


I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).


Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3

Back to school

So I'm back at school. Already ate more than I wanted to today (and it's only like 6-something) but it really isn't bad... just more than I wanted. 


I'll eat less during the week in class cause I'll be busier. It's just these damn nights. I hate not having places to go every night of the week like when I'm home. I'll survive. I think.


It's just for two weeks. I have class all this week, and finals all next week. Well, really, I'm done with finals Wednesday night. Then Thursday I have a 'hiring interview' for my internship to get all the paperwork done and make it official and then Friday I just have Pilates exams. I'll be home by next Friday night (the 10th) and I'll go out that night, I should be back early enough for at least a movie or something.


I'm just kind of ranting as I sit here wrapped up in a polka dot blanket watching Teen Nick, Coke Zero in hand... ugh, which is gross, I hate soda. Anyway, I'll try to do a daily update tomorrow, I think it should be a good day. 

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 


I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 


Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?