I know I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Okay... so I think it's about time I ease up on the ex-lax. Or just go back to regular instead of extra strength... or don't take them literally at the same time as diuretics. I've been doing a lot of writing lately... I'll have to get some of it on here. Some is good (as in hopeful) some is not... 


My hair is really fading... I have so much sharpie in it right now and it's still got blonde spots cause it's difficult to color the back of your own head with a marker. It might be about time for a touch up. It has been a few weeks. I really do love this color though. I wanna keep it forever and ever.... Ha... or at least until my hair is long and I can do straight up purple.


So I kept watching the video for "Gunnin'" last night. I think the reason it was so intense for me is that I can see myself as that girl, I do the things she did, I cry when I see the numbers on the scale... I remember a few summers ago when I hit 120... it was the worst feeling ever for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop crying. And then I always have these thoughts that no one would ever want me... especially because of how crazy I am. And I know that there are no guys out there like in the video. The part when he pulls her shirt down and wraps his arms around her without saying anything really gets to me every time. And when he's outside the bathroom door. It really is a sad video though. 


I've also been listening to "Perfect" by Hedley a lot. Really, I've been listening to Hedley for the last two days. They are an amazing band. 


There's some shit goin' on with J right now. And yeah...we'll see. I need her to talk to me about something and she's just avoiding it which means it actually is a big deal to her which can't be good cause it affects me too. It's difficult to explain.


I have a headache right now... I need to leave for auditions soon. I have like hours of auditions followed by three hours of rehearsal. I should be done by 10pm. I really just don't want to move at all today though. I went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yeah, that happened. I wanna go to bed now. I mean, I just showered and did my hair and makeup... but my heads killing me, I'm exhausted, and it didn't make me feel any better. 


I feel so fucking bloated and fat. I just can't get rid of my stomach. And my arms are so gross. They need to go so I can wear something cute to my blacklight party. And the hips need to go to... obviously. And my legs are huge, always have been. Even when I was under 100 pounds my legs were always too big. 


I really wish auditions weren't mandatory. I'm not going to be in any of the pieces that are auditioning today anyway. And my left arm hurts. I've actually had a brace on my wrist for the last week. Well....I haven't worn it in two days even though it still hurts cause it bothers me and I can't read my 'breathe' tattoo with it on.


Fucking headache.


I should go.

The perfection of my frailty has been questioned and broken....

This is the most intense music video I've ever seen... I really can't stop watching it... and it just makes me feel... yeah I dunno. Seriously, it gives me chills though...especially the first time she's looking in the mirror and he comes up behind her.

So I'm not doing that great today... but I'll get through it. I'll figure it out somehow.

BLACKLIGHT PARTY!!!

Okay, so I'm super excited. I'm throwing a blacklight party in a few weeks with glowing drinks, a stobe light, and lots of dancing to loud music. I have blacklight posters and things so random stuff in my tiny little apartment glow. It's great! I splattered smiley face balloons with glow paint. I just wish I could hang them or something.

Yeah so I had my own little blacklight dance party by myself one night and went a little paint happy. I hung this over the bathroom door. Haha, I always say 'rawr'... it makes me intimidating :)

Wooo balloons! Ha. I'm such a child. I love it though. For the most part I've been in a really good mood the last two weeks. Hopefully it'll last. I'm basically gonna be cramming as many people in my apartment as possible (hopefully a lot of people show up). I made some rules and an official poster, with glow paint, and hung it above my closet door right near the blacklight so everyone can see! Haha :)

love.

This girl's gonna be alright.

Breathe, it will be okay.

You gotta keep your head up, you are gonna turn out fine

Love. And also... just some random things and answers to questions...

The 'poem' that inspired my newest tattoo, which was really a post by Jen Lemen's blog is on my breathe page down at the bottom if you want to read it.

And as far is it hurting... it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most of it was just tingling which is fine and then a few spots were like really bad but they didn't last long... then the hearts, which are a mix of on my boob and my ribcage near my armpit, were kind of like... well I didn't know if it hurt or tickled... it was a strange sensation. 

So now it's healing... I still can't wear a bra, which is awesome when I'm dancing all day and always at the gym! Haha, I'm managing though. It's a little sore when my clothes rub up against it so I'm just being careful because I want it to heal nicely :)

New Tattoo?!?

Sorry for the lack of updates, my computer straight up died a few days ago. I should be getting a new one soon... hopefully really soon. Anyway, I'm up (well it's not like I slept I was out until almost 6am) and just about to take a much needed shower due to the smell of some things my parents would not appriciate while under their roof. Haha. I've been sick with a sore throat/cold for a week now though so I really can't smell a thing.

I died my hair some more yesterday, I'll have more pictures to come when I take them but since I was on my way out I don't really have a lot. The colors bled together a little bit so it didn't really come out the way I had planned it but I still love it! I had a few spots that the color missed and were still blonde from the bleaching, but a simple sharpie fixes that perfectly! They really are amazing for touch-ups :)

Oh and yeah, so I got the second tattoo. Haha, what an eventful day :) I absolutely love love love this one!!! 

Step 1: place permanent reminder on my body

Step 2: believe it

I also started writing a 'guide' sort of... about how to love myself. Wow. Who needs a guide for that? But whatever... it stemmed off K telling me to make a list of all the things I love about myself and putting it somewhere I can always see and read it. So anyway, I swear this 'guide' is going to turn into a fucking novel. Once I get some more done and get it typed up (handwritten due to death of my laptop) then I will share it with all of you lovlies <3

Okay, I think it's shower time... I don't have any unscented soap or anything here... but apparently I reek. I'll make due. I feel kind of icky anyway and showers always make people feel better. I just wish I didn't have to wash m hair but I'm sure, of course, most of the stentch is in there. 

Maria Mena is my hero.

Once I found this song I also sent it to J who was having a rough day, and not to be mean, but kind of getting on my nerves. I won't go into it now since I have class soon but she told me I had the best timing with sending her this and is now obsessed with the song. She had it on loop all night, wrote the lyrics in a journal, and put the lyrics up as her facebook status. 


I told her from this point on that whenever she's having a bad day I will just quote this song... which I did a little of last night. I also made a mix with it :)

Whoops....

One of my friends saw my arm. She didn't say anything, I don't know if she will... but there were other people around. I saw the look on her face though.We both just kind of pretended it didn't happen, that she saw nothing. I don't know is she's going to try to bring it up. I'm sure she's figured it out though. It's kind of obvious. Three clean red lines straight across the arm. The look on her face was kind of questioning and... shocked... upset, maybe? All I know is I didn't like the feeling of seeing that look on her face. I mean, we're pretty close... but not that close. The only issues she's ever really heard about other than school are my boy issues, the whole C thing... We talk sometimes... but, yeah. 


So I don't know what's going to happen. I dunno if she told her roommate, who I have the same relationship with as her. I dunno anything right now. I feel huge and disgusting. I'm not feeling the need to cut right now... but to take a handful of ex-lax and purge, which of course isn't usually that successful for me. 


I'm so tired. I'm so over life. I'm exhausted... it's wearing me out. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this crap. It's just too much for me. I really can't handle this anymore.


I've been sick so I wasn't in class for two days, my friend (the one that stays here a lot) text me and asked what I had to eat that day... so I told her and asked why and she said that eating healthy would get me better faster and asked if I still had all my 'weird eating habits'... she doesn't know exactly what my eating habits are like so I just told her they're weird when she said she's never seen me eat. 


I really have nothing left to say. I feel gross. I can't deal with my life. I just really can't take it anymore.