Assumptions

So, this morning, I was just thinking about assumptions and how much what people assume of us can affect us... especially when we already know exactly what they are going to assume and therefore feel like we're letting them down. Okay, well maybe that's just me. But who knows, maybe this happens to some of you guys too and you just never stopped to think about. 

I was talking to a friend the other day and instead of him trying to fix my problems or make me better, he just listened and asked me questions. Questions that made me think. He's amazing.


Anyway, assumptions. As I'm sitting here wrapped up in my polka dot blanket and thinking about how I will be skipping yet another class this morning, something came to my attention. Now first, let me just say that I am not at all a quiet person when you get to know me well enough and once I feel safe enough to open up around you... usually. But since I am quiet around new people or new situations, or even my family because there are so many people that it intimidated me as a child, people just think that's how I am. They think I'm quiet. I hate quiet. And I think I hate it so much because that's not me. But then once I try to open up to people or I get to a somewhat safer level with them... they think it's weird. 


Now that I'm older, I've noticed this a lot in my family. All I have to do is say 'hi' and everyone freaks out and is like oh my god she's talking! Blah blah blah. After that, I stay quiet. It's embarrassing and whatever. I'm not gonna get too much into it because I just woke up and it's kind of difficult to explain.

But then since I'm 'the quiet one', people also assume that I'm smart and I go to classes and do all my work. I never do homework, I procrastinate on everything, and I miss more classes then I go to. I don't get good grades, I never have.


I still remember the day I realized I was the dumb kid in the class.


I was in kindergarten. I was 5 years old. This is the day I realized I was just plain stupid.


We all had to write out all of the numbers 1-100 and then we could go play. Everyone was playing. I wasn't even up to 20. I was actually just barely past 10. My teacher had to come over and try to help me but I couldn't concentrate because I was trying so hard not to cry. I couldn't be both the dumb kid and the crybaby. I had to stay a few minutes late and then since I still wasn't done finish the next day.


But then I used to get teachers my brother had before me. And he is smart. But I was his quiet little sister, a double whammy. So of course they assumed I was smart. I just ended up letting everyone down because I was not who or what they expected me to be.


No one really understands how badly assumptions can hurt people.

** Just as a side note. I know many of you probably know this, but I am not in therapy. I know that I need it... I can admit that now, I'm certifiably insane so it's kind of a no brainer... but I don't want therapy, I don't trusts it (this is my personal opinion, it's a good thing for you to go to if it helps!). I have just not had good experiences with it. That is why I'm blogging and trying to fix things on my own, for the most part. And this blogging has really been helping me out because when I expand on these little thoughts in my head I think it's helping me come closer to the root[s] of my problems. Which, of course, not knowing why I am the way I am is a huge part of what bothers me. Like, if I had a reason, it would be just a hair easier for  me. I don't know... either way, thank  you for reading along and for commenting. Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone and that there are people in existence to care and understand. It truly truly means the world to me. I've never been one to talk and this blog is really helping me to just get some things out.

Never. Again.

Wow, so I don't even know where to start. I had three friends from home come visit me last night, I hadn't eaten a single thing all day. I got so so so wasted, throwing up, passed out, the whole nine yards. I wasn't hung over at all when I woke up, I was still a little drunk for a while though but other than that I was fine. I didn't even have coffee just a little coke zero for the caffeine headache. I also took 2 hydroxycut maxs, 1 green tea triple fat burner, and 2 expel... 


Needless to say, all of that on an empty stomach, I wasn't doin too hot. Luckily I got a ride to rehearsal, yes, I now had to dance... I seriously thought I was going to pass out or die or something. My sugar was so so low, I was nauseous, dizzy, shaking like crazy. It was bad. One of the girls is hypoglycemic so she always has snacks on her. She gave me a little baggy of baked goldfish and I had about 20 before rehearsal, very slowly... and then after rehearsal I made myself finish the baggy. It took me about 2 hours to do that. I just finished them off.


I have two more friends coming to visit me tonight... I will NOT let myself be that drunk again. Ugh, seriously, I was such a mess. I hate hate hate being like that. And I woke up knowing I should eat something but then saw pictures of myself and totally freaked. Everyone was offering to buy me food and I was just like 'no it's fine this happens from time to time'. No more pills today... maybe just some... no... I really shouldn't risk it. I have rehearsal for my piece in about an hour or so. I've just been hanging out in the theatre for the time in between.


I'm not sure what else to say right now. I'm alive though... so that's a plus. I really didn't think I was gonna make it this morning.

Mellltdown

I don't really know what to say or where I'm going with this. I've been in the worst mood all week, skipping classes, trying to sleep, starring at the ceiling, skipping meals, drinking, contemplating the most effective way to kill myself... not really good things. I just stocked up on hydroxycut max, green tea triple fat burners, CVS brand dietetics, xpel,  and ex-lax. I need to get hoodia superthin because I'm out but I haven't had the time to get to GNC, I would have to walk a good 20-25minutes there and back in the cold. I also need to go pick up a few packs of nutratrim gum because I'm also out of that.

None of this shit works... promise me you'll never start taking diet pills, they really don't do a thing so it's just not worth it. I'm having trouble typing this right now because my hands are shaking so much. I tried to eat today, but not I'm just super upset by it and grossed out and really fucking hate myself. 

Weird thing, when my friend J has a bad night, I drop whatever it is buggin me to help her (if I can, I really do try)... but sometimes when I have a bad night, that's when she decides she's going to have one. I'm not saying it's all the time, and I'm sure a lot of it's just in my head... but whatever. Anyway, here and B are coming tomorrow... possibly this other girl too that we met like once. Well, B knows her cause he went to high school with her. So they'll be here when I get out of rehearsal and we're gonna have a little party, just us, in my apartment. I might invite another girl who I've known for years and her boyfriend to stop by or my friend S who was recently (as in yesterday) dumped so her plans for tomorrow are now nonexistant. I doubt anyone will even come by but whatever.

Then K and T, two of the most amazing friends ever, are coming Sunday night into Monday. I'm excited to see them. We're having a hair dye party, although I think K is the only one who has her dye (it had to be ordered online). Fingers crossed mine comes tomorrow!

So anyway, I know in my last post I talked about how no one would notice if I was gone (J apparently doesn't like the fact that I'm living alone because of this) and then I realized her and B are coming tomorrow... and I have rehearsal. I would need someone to take over my piece for me. I know who I would want to do it... but then I would have to leave a note asking already busy people to do things for me and that's not right. Although I'm kind of numb right now, it's when I get into those really bad moods were I just don't think that I'm afraid I may do something. Even though I think about it all the time, it's not like I would plan it... if it happens it happens. 

Then I told myself "you'll never kno what could be unless you stick around to find out"... I wouldn't know anything about my future. What if someone is actually interested in me (chuckle), what if I have kids one day,

what if I can be happy? And that stopped me from doing anything tonight... but then I realized that I didn't care.

I was thinking today, because we were talking about guys and boyfriends and I was so afraid my teacher was going to ask if I had a boyfriend because we had covered everyone else's guy situation. And I was in a shitty mood all day so I would've probably just said the truth which is; no, no guy can handle me and I wouldn't want them to.  I've kind of decided to leave it that was because I always feel bad for the situations I put people in and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. Not to mention I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, or close at all. But I really, really do with that I had a boyfriend who I could depend on... or someone who loved me. I dunno...

I think sometimes I make excuses for not going out, other than the "I'm fat, have nothing to wear, don't want anyone to see my ugly ass face excuse. I think that I don't want to be around guys or go out with guys because I'm afraid of the rejection. I mean, I already know I hate seeing people I haven't seen in a while and often avoid it because I just can't handle how they may react to the fact that I've gained weight. I don't want them to look at me, to see who I used to be, to see what I've become, to see my disguising body. I hate it all so much. There are people who that doesn't matter to, but it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter... because it matters to me. I'm not making much sense am I?

Anyway, here's a good (but extremely sad song... I guess depending on how you interpret it). I've had it on pretty much all day.

I can't stop or give it up. I need to feel the pain.

So I had a bit of a minor freak out last night. I say minor because it wasn't like the previous night where I almost downed a bottle of pills. I don't really know what happened... it was just such a long, tiring day. I was exhausted and of course I never sleep. So anyway, I literally THREW every item of food I had into the trash. This includes but is not limited to: unopened boxes of cereal, juice, fruit, anything that I had cooked and frozen, jell-o, bread, etc. I am now left with coffee and alcohol. That's it. I don't even have water right now because I need to buy a case... for now I'm just buying bottles when I'm thirsty or on my way back to my apartment after class every night. 


I always feel bad when I do things like that because it's such a waste and there are people who can't afford food and I'm just the selfish bitch who willingly throws it all away. Literally, down the trash chute. I am now living off diet pills (which I need to buy more of) and water. I have, but usually don't finish, one cup of coffee in the morning... and I have the alcohol for bad days or parties. 


The last few days have just been so rough. All I can think about is how easy it would be to kill myself and how long it would take before anyone even noticed... even if I didn't live alone it's not like people would really care to find out why I had been missing. It's not that I think I ever will kill myself, I just think about it a lot more... and I guess I come closer, but I wouldn't do it. I don't think so.


Two nights ago was probably the worst... I was actually still shaking when I woke up the next day. I don't know what happened, sound familiar? All I know is I ended up locked in my bathroom attempting to purge, cutting (totally defeats the purpose of the tattoo, but I guess it'll be a slow process?), and almost taking every diet pill or any other pill I could find. I did take a handful of water pills and a few hydroxycut max's. And as I sat there starring at the open bottles all around me, all I could think was "I'm scared". I'm scared of myself, of what I might do to myself. I turned my phone on and started texting people to distract me from myself but trying not to let them know anything was wrong. The one person I really wanted to talk to didn't respond until two hours later, but he didn't know anything was wrong... it's better that way, especially with him. I think he might have known something was up though because I just text him saying, "can you talk?" He knows me too well... and he did apologize for the late response which he doesn't usually do. Either way, I was scared and alone... I ended up turning off all of my lights and getting into bed, before 8pm. I also turned my heat off so I would be too cold to even THINK of leaving my bed. I left the razor on my bedside table and there were tons of pills in my purse right by my side. But I just covered myself up and tried not to think. 


Later one of my friends figured out I wasn't having the best night, yet again. I think when she text me I was complaining about not being able to sleep and she told me to try these sleeping pills because I basically have insomnia most of the time. I responded to her by saying I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to have any kind of pills at the moment. I kind of wish I did have sleeping pills though, they really would help... but I don't think I can risk the fact that I may have other nights like that (there have been a lot of those recently actually). But having sleeping pills would just make it so much easier, I mean yeah, diet pills are an easy way to go into cardiac arrest... but... yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking about that now.


I almost wish someone knew how much pain I was really in... I wish someone actually cared. I'm absolutely insane though. People don't want to have to put up with me, and no one cares enough about me to do it anyway. I dunno. Really though, I know this sounds lame and I've never been the dependent type, but it's times like these when I really wish I had a boyfriend. Someone who would hold me through the night. Someone who could protect me from myself. Someone who I could trust.


So much for a better New Year. 


I don't know if I've mentioned how I get into agruments with people when they tell me I'm pretty, but I do. I want to share this conversation from yesterday with you guys. I was literally too exhausted to argue. I don't deny the fact I don't think I'm pretty. Everyone knows I hate the way I look. It's just always been that way. I've sort of accepted the fact that I'm not. Anyway, heres the conversation (it's this guy I've been talking to for a while, a friend of a friend, but who I've yet to meet because of my own excuses):


Me: heyy sorry i just realized i never responded to your text last night, whats up?
Him: Nothing much, just resting. U?
Me: trying not to die
Him: Lol, that's a good game plan. I was wondering since its so difficult to see you, why don't you send me pictures.
Me: i don't take pictures... the only ones i have are on my facebook
Him: Oh, why don't you take pictures?
Me: i dont like them
Him: But you're so pretty.
Me: eh
Him: What?
Me: nothing
Him: You don't think so?
Me: nopee
Him: Well I'm telling you.
Me: that doesnt mean ill believe you
Him: Why would I lie?
Me: people lie. its a fact.
Him: I know that but there's usually a reason to lie and right now I have no reason to lie! But what will help you believe me
Me: nothing. i dont believe anyone that says that. never have, even when i was a little kid. you got lucky, i usually yell at people.
Him: Why do you yell at people, that's so mean for saying something nice.
Me: cause i dont like being lied to
Him: Nicole, I'm not lying to you. I really do think you're pretty.
Me: ok then thats your opinion
Him: Yep, I' not the one to give out a compliment for the fun of it.


(Later that night after some small talk and him saying he's still trying to figure me out, to which I wished him luck since I don't even know myself.)


Him: Oh well at least I figured out something about you today
Me: ?
Him: I honestly don't know how to explain it to you.
Me: haha.. oh well anyway im gonna turn my phone off for the night
Me: oh and btw it would be totally legit to just say that im crazy.... everyone else already does. night!

This was just on my ipod and I was thinking as I sang along how this song is so true for me. Every last word... and then I realized it's not all true anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I've been broken so many times that I don't know if I can put all the pieces back one more time.

Well, that's enough of my ranting for now. I'm sure I have more to say but I'm not going to. I hope you're all doing well <3

My Friends are Amaziiing

So I have to tell you how truley amazing the few friends that I do have are. Now, the last couple of days have been sucking big time and it's just everything I'm not going to get too into it because I don't wanna think about it. But basically the usual, I feel gross and disguisting, no guy is ever going to want me, I'm never gonna get married, blah blah blah. So my best freind, J, the one that I talk about a lot and get into a lot of fights with because we're similar (yes I'm finally giving names so it's less confusing) kind of knows whats going on.

So last night I was texting her and I was just really sad the last few nights... so I told her 'I don't know how not to hate myself' and she told me that I was going to learn... and that she was going to help me. I also, knowing the answer to the question asked her, 'Is it bad that i wish I didn't care so much about other people because if I didn't I would've killed myself by now?' and she didn't say yes like I was expecting but she said no because she feels the same. So my response was how all I can think about ever, is how easy it would be. She said, 'It is, but you go, I'm going after you'. Talk about a reason to stay alive, I would never want anything to happen to her! So eventually I was like why am I bothering her with all my problems so I told her to stop making me talk to her and to go out and do something fun. She told me that she was here weither I liked it or not.

So  really didn't respond to texts after that except for two people, one who I texted because I tried to go to sleep and couldn't becasue I was thinking so much, and another because he text me and I needed a distraction. So I text my guy friend, S, and he was really sweet. He's not the type of person I can talk to about things but I can talk to him about nothingness and be distracted from my life. So he was like 'I hope I'm your favorite guy friend to talk to'. So I told him that he didn't have to worry because pretty much all the guys I knew where being complete assholes, and then when he asked why I told him it was for different reasons but basically I feel like guys are nice to me and pretend to care because they know I'm crazy. His response: 'I think you're perfect <3'. Sweet, even coming from him. I said 'far from it' and he goes, 'well that's my opinion'. 

So then I get a phone call from my friend B, who is a mutual friend with J, and about two years younger than us. We really don't know each other that well yet, but he's a sweetheart and I absolutely love him! I didn't pick up but I listened to the voicemail right away. He said he was talking to J and that's why he called me, he was also a tad bit drunk :)

Anyway, I asked J later what she told him and I think that she told him more than what she told me she did, but I actually don't think I minded that much because it was him and his voicemail totally made up for it and it really did but me in a better mood. J called after I was texting her about his voicemail and we laughed on the phone for a good two hours about nonsense. But anyway he was like... he told me I'm hot like 20 times and that I'm the shit and I'm amazing and I have nothing to worry about because I'll get married and I'll get fucked (the part J isn't telling me she told him, only about two people in the world know how sensitive I am about being a virgin and how at 21 I already feel like I'm never gonna get married) and that I'll have kids and I'm an amazing dancer and he loves me. He started out with, 'I'm talking to Jen and I know you're having some problems right now but don't worry because...'. And just, it was just a hysterical voicemail. The two of them are coming down in a few weeks for my dance performance and then we're gonna go out that night after the show :)

My other two friends, T (I've known he since I was 3) and K (the one I spent NYE with) are also amazing and I think I've wrote of other times they were there for me and how they tell me they always will be. I didn't text either of them last night because I hate to bother people but K was the one that gave me the NYE lecture. So yeah, I woke up feeling a little bit better, although when I went to relisten to the voicemail I came across the voicemail from Renfrew summer of 2009 or whatever saying I needed to be in their IOP. I got a new phone so I was not expecting that, but it's whatever. Don't ask me why I don't just delete it, I really don't know.

I also talked to my friend S during the day, he's the one that transferred out of my school and left the country, but he always makes me laugh and I don't even have to tell him if anythings wrong he just always makes me feel better like he has a sixth sense of something, even online.

I love these people <3

I don't get it. I was doing so well...

New Year. New Me?

So I'm back at school now. Sitting alone in my apartment. I feel kind of sad right now... but I really don't want to let that get to me. I would have come later but my parents had to help me with some technical stuff and I just had a lot of crap to unpack. 


So anyway, I haven't really done an update in a while so I thought I would tell you about me year so far... starting from New Years Eve of course.


A group of us (4-5) were planning on doing something together New Years Eve and like a day or two before I got in a huge fight with one of the girls (I've talked about her a lot in the past). Anyway because of that I didn't spend New Years with her in NYC. I ended up having absolutly nothing to do and during the day got an e-mail from her listing 20 things she can no longer talk to me about (ED, cutting, sex, boys, dance, the gym... it was basically everything). So that put me in a really bad mood (I had already been in a shit mood since Christmas Eve, which I'm sure you can tell from some of the last few posts). I starred at the e-mail for over an hour hysterical in tears thinking about what I horrible person I was and I was texting people to tell me jokes and just keep me distracted and whatever. 


So anyway, one of my other friends who was going to be with us NYE but had strep a few days earlier also had kind of a rough day. So we decided to get shitfaced together. Now, it doesn't take much to get me drunk... and I don't need to be wasted so I didn't get wasted, I got drunk. We missed the ball drop. She was lecturing me to ring in the new year. I really needed it though and I felt so much better after talking to her. She tried to get me to name three things about myself that I like, that when I look in the mirror I wouldn't want to change. I couldn't come up with anything. So she said that I need to find those things and in the mean time do things that make me feel good about myself, tanning is one of those things. She also assured me that, yes, while we don't talk as much as we used to... nothing has ever changed and she will always be there for me and would drive two hours to come see me and spend a weekend whenever I needed it. She also told me that our other friend would do the same. Now, the girl I spend NYE with really does know pretty much everything about me, always has. The other one... knows bits and pieces because I don't ever want her to worry... she will, she has. 


So she left and I went to bed, woke up the next morning drunk. I had some coffee, got dressed, and was really in the mood to go shopping at the mall (I bought a new mascara for $25, it's good... but I don't know if it's $25 worth good). So the girl I had been in the fight with wanted to stop by and drop of Christmas gifts for me and my mom... yeah. I hate when my friends are friends with my mom. Everyone likes her better than me but whatever. She came by and I was like I want to go to the mall, so a few hours later after she had showered we went to the mall. I got my mascara, and almost smuggled the most adorable puppy home! I named him Stanley. He is a puggle. And he's absolutely adorable! 


After leaving the mall we decided to see if the guy that was going to do our tattoos was in today. He said he would be around 4. So, we went back to her house for a little bit (first time I've ever been in there) where I got to hold a kitty and then we headed to the tattoo place. We went to school with the guy (her for 4 years and me for 1 because I transferred in and out of high school). He did remember my face though and he is amazing! Like, I want to hang out with him all the time. We spent almost 5 hours there because I couldn't figure out what font I wanted and the size was hard, but he did it little for me! It was so much fun though like seriously I could hang out there all day. He came in just for me so it was just the three of us and he let me put my ipod in so the whole (little) tattoo parlor was blasting Blood on the Dance Floor songs... to which I was dancing the ENTIRE time. 


I seriously love when I meet people and can immediately be myself with them because it's extremely rare for me. And we talked a lot and he's pretty good looking :) 


But it was just the most amazing experience of my life. I was like his 60th tattoo ever! And it was free I just gave him a tip. Oh my God, he was so so patient! And he was just like you two are insane it was so much fun I can't even describe it I would live those few hours over and over again if I could. Some of the stuff you just had to be there, like the sound effects he was making, especially when we left. Hysterical. 


It was hard for me though and super awkward because it's on my forearm/wrist where I have scars and obviously he could see them and to get it in the spot I want it I was like 'you see that line, that's where the E goes' because the tattoo does overlap with the scarring. The last E was the most painful and is still a little red and looks kinda odd because it's on the old scar tissue but it's fine. I think I like it more that way. He didn't ask about the scars either, he just said he saw it and lined it up the way I asked. My friend said she was proud of me for letting someone stare at my wrist for so long (and so closely) because I get this weird feeling when my wrist is exposed. I also feel so close to him now because he knows that now and has seen my wrist and because he gave me an awesome tattoo and was just the most amazing guy ever to hang out with.


So after that we planned on drinking with the girl I spent NYE with. She text me on our way back she had the worst night so we picked her up immediately and went to my house to drink. Didn't get wasted. But it was so so much fun. She had to leave that night and the other girl stayed over. Sometime in the night we skyped a friend of ours which was so fun and I was talking to another friend I haven't talked to in a while from school and we're going to try to get together more. I really hope it works he's so sweet and amazing. He knows about the ED now because I showed him my new tattoo and then told him how I almost got a second one right there. But my second one is the red/purple NEDA thing on the back of my neck. I want to be fully recovered when I get that one so it's a symbol of my recovery and what I've overcome and I told him it was a recovery thing but wouldn't say anymore. And he goes 'oh wait, is that the NEDA symbol?' So yeah, and he's been around me with food in the past and told me he was worried about me and always wanted to make sure I was eating. 


But he was so sweet about it and asked if I was recovered, I said no I was working on it and he said he's cheering for me. I really do hope I get to see him more. I miss him. So that was the end of my night last night, attempted to youtube the ball drop and had the PERFECT timing but our video just showed coupled making out so it was a total fail. 


Then I just packed and headed back to school where I am sitting now and writing to all of you :)
I really do like that I got my tattoo on the first day of the year, and part of the reason it's there is a) dance and b) so I'll be less likely to cut my wrist.
Haha, before he started I was freaking out with the sound of it and him and my friend AT THE SAME TIME just said 'breathe'. It made my day, really. 

So things may be looking up for me a little bit. The new year so far has been treating me well. And now I have this amazing permanent reminder so I don't go and fuck things up again.