I can't eat the rest of the week. I just can't.
I need to study. I need to go tanning. I need to work out... A LOT.
Shit.
Oh... I cut.
Whoomp. 40 days down the drain.
Took more ex lax... should take more...
So fucking fat.
I'll be away next week... it'll be easy to not really eat while I'm away.
I'll work out there too...
Gym, gym, gym.
Gonna go see what hours the hotel gym is open and where it's located right now.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Fat. All I am is fucking FAT!
I can't stand this. I fucking hate it.
Tomorrow... coffee... ballet (9am)... work on case study for class... nutrition... skip music history for gym... improvisation... gym... adv. jazz... GYM.
Maybe a short gym trip or tanning on my way back from class (depending on how I feel mood-wise).
Then finish my english paper and turn it in BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
Go to bed. No food. I don't need it.
Fuck my life.
Tomorrow... coffee... ballet (9am)... work on case study for class... nutrition... skip music history for gym... improvisation... gym... adv. jazz... GYM.
Maybe a short gym trip or tanning on my way back from class (depending on how I feel mood-wise).
Then finish my english paper and turn it in BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
Go to bed. No food. I don't need it.
Fuck my life.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
SO behind on Updates!!!
Okay... well, I'm super behind... I got the semi colon tattoo a few weeks ago. I absolutely LOVE it!!
It's now been 36 days without cutting (ohmygod.... SO hard!!) and 35 days without diet pills.
Although I did have some laxatives last week and I think they ALL caught up with me Saturday... I was SO sick.
So I've started rehearsing my piece... I can talk more about that another day but what I really wanted to update everyone on was today.
So I had my pilates private and I was in a mood and my teacher always knows when I'm stressed out or whatever and will ask if I'm okay and what's going on and I usually just like... ignore it. But I thought it was mostly just school stressing me out so I wasn't gonna say anything after she asked, I just said I'm stressed out and then she stopped like mid-exercise and was like... 'are you gonna tell me what you're stressed about?' so I figured it's just school... whatever. So I started talking about grad school and the two classes I'm failing and all the sudden I'm sobbing and like we pretty much spent my entire private talking and I told her about my eating disorder, depression, self injury, and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I told her I tried to kill myself last year and just like everything. It was total word vomit which like... never happens with me so it was weird but she was so happy I told her cause she's always worrying about me, like... really bad and she told me I can call or text her whenever I need to.
It was just like... one of those weeks I guess and it just all came out and she told me I'm under a lot of pressure and then I put even more pressure on myself and I need to work on seeing the things I've accomplished because I suck at it... legit, her words. But yeah... anyway... I'm a bit tired right now so I'm not gonna say much more but I need to get on her more often... there's too much I'm realizing and not keeping track of.
Like the whole grad school thing and feeling like I'm running away from my problems and I think I did that when I transferred high school and college and I can't keep doing that (I think this is why I got so emotional this morning)... but anyway, I'll talk about that another time.
It's now been 36 days without cutting (ohmygod.... SO hard!!) and 35 days without diet pills.
Although I did have some laxatives last week and I think they ALL caught up with me Saturday... I was SO sick.
So I've started rehearsing my piece... I can talk more about that another day but what I really wanted to update everyone on was today.
So I had my pilates private and I was in a mood and my teacher always knows when I'm stressed out or whatever and will ask if I'm okay and what's going on and I usually just like... ignore it. But I thought it was mostly just school stressing me out so I wasn't gonna say anything after she asked, I just said I'm stressed out and then she stopped like mid-exercise and was like... 'are you gonna tell me what you're stressed about?' so I figured it's just school... whatever. So I started talking about grad school and the two classes I'm failing and all the sudden I'm sobbing and like we pretty much spent my entire private talking and I told her about my eating disorder, depression, self injury, and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I told her I tried to kill myself last year and just like everything. It was total word vomit which like... never happens with me so it was weird but she was so happy I told her cause she's always worrying about me, like... really bad and she told me I can call or text her whenever I need to.
It was just like... one of those weeks I guess and it just all came out and she told me I'm under a lot of pressure and then I put even more pressure on myself and I need to work on seeing the things I've accomplished because I suck at it... legit, her words. But yeah... anyway... I'm a bit tired right now so I'm not gonna say much more but I need to get on her more often... there's too much I'm realizing and not keeping track of.
Like the whole grad school thing and feeling like I'm running away from my problems and I think I did that when I transferred high school and college and I can't keep doing that (I think this is why I got so emotional this morning)... but anyway, I'll talk about that another time.
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